Chapter 30: She Forgot the Past, But Not Entirely…

After extreme exhaustion came a deep slumber bordering on unconsciousness.

Si Jin felt like she was dreaming, yet no images appeared before her eyes.

Heavy, oppressive, suffocating confinement.

It was no pleasant dream—even with nothing visible, it made her want to escape immediately.

Leave, leave this place, leave this dream.

Si Jin ran, stumbling through endless darkness, yet couldn’t find an exit no matter how hard she tried.

How could she escape?

And where should she flee?

Her foot caught, tripping herself.

As she lost balance, the crisp sound of clinking chains seemed to echo in her ears.

A taut pulling sensation abruptly tightened around her ankles.

Terrified, Si Jin scrambled up from the ground and tried to run again.

The chains restricted her steps, tightening the more she struggled.

Tears welled up as she wept helplessly, but she dared not stop running despite the restraints on her feet.

When the chains reached their limit, her refusal to halt made her completely lose balance.

Her body uncontrollably pitched forward.

In the darkness, someone appeared before her.

A broad chest caught her fully, the familiar scent instantly enveloping her tightly.

Si Jin slowly lifted her head in the gloom.

Everything around was blurred, yet only the face before her pierced through the darkness, imprinting clearly in her eyes—the sole visible image in her vision.

Si Jin’s eyes snapped open.

As her vision cleared, she blinked dazedly.

“Another nightmare?”

A familiar deep voice sounded nearby.

Turning her head, she saw Xiao Rong lying sideways, propped on one elbow, gazing steadily at her.

She froze momentarily, her mind blank for an instant. Opening her mouth to answer, she realized she’d already forgotten what had appeared in the dream.

“Probably… but it didn’t quite feel like a nightmare, just that I…”

While trying to recall the dream, other memories surfaced first in her mind.

Si Jin’s eyes widened abruptly, and she kicked the blankets with strong reaction: “You yesterday…”

Before she could finish, the displaced blankets already revealed her legs.

Her skirt had ridden up, exposing porcelain-white calves marked with varying shades of red—clear evidence of their previous passionate lovemaking.

Perhaps the sight of her legs stimulated the other’s senses, as every mark now seemed to proclaim how uncontrollably she had been cherished.

Heat rushed to Si Jin’s face, yet her eyes held more bewilderment than embarrassment.

Both her slender ankles were bare, showing no traces of any imprisonment-like torment.

Her newly awakened thoughts remained somewhat muddled, making her blink blankly—even beginning to wonder if that had been the real dream.

“Looking for the gift I gave you?”

Si Jin snapped back to awareness at the sound.

How could that be a dream!

She really had been fastened by Xiao Rong like that, and all night…

Then Xiao Rong spoke again: “I took it off for you after you fell asleep, worried it might hinder you turning over at night.”

Si Jin was surprised by his calm composure afterward, as if he found nothing unusual about such matters—rather treating it as perfectly ordinary.

As the feverish waves that disturbed her thoughts receded, her legs felt empty, and that fear of being restrained seemed about to dissolve into the intimacy between lovers.

Si Jin had many words brewing at her lips, but her thoughts were in disarray, and she finally managed only one sentence: “Didn’t you say it could never be removed again?”

“You want to keep wearing it?”

With that, he actually seemed inclined to get up and retrieve something.

Si Jin quickly grabbed him: “No! I meant to say…”

She frowned slightly—bringing up such a matter in the current atmosphere felt somewhat hard to articulate.

Xiao Rong waited quietly for a moment. Seeing that she seemed to have no follow-up, he continued for her: “Want to say you still don’t like the gift I gave you?”

Si Jin: “…”

The marks on her legs and the man’s seemingly aggrieved tone were utterly incongruous.

How dare he say such a thing!

Si Jin’s brows furrowed, then relaxed, then furrowed again. Images wrapped in the damp heat of desire flashed through her mind once more, and it took her a long moment to force out the words: “How can you have such… preferences?”

Xiao Rong shifted slightly, reaching to pull back the quilt Si Jin had kicked away and gently covering her, as if thoughtfully preventing her from catching a chill.

But once her body was back under the covers, his body warmth quickly coiled around her.

He leaned close to her and stated with a straight face: “But last night… you sprayed so much, the bedding was soaked through. You actually liked it too.”

“That’s not true!” Si Jin instantly denied it, the heat in her face seeming about to flare up again.

But after her denial, she suddenly fell silent.

The warmth on her cheeks enveloped her, but the temperature in her heart was entirely different.

Si Jin gazed quietly at Xiao Rong.

A tranquil silence fell over the morning bed.

Their eyes met, but neither spoke further.

Xiao Rong’s breath hitched for a moment.

In that instant, he couldn’t discern the emotion in Si Jin’s eyes.

But soon, as Xiao Bai’s call came from the windowsill.

Si Jin’s gaze shifted, the expression in her eyes vanishing without a trace.

Only her usual lazy murmur remained: “Xiao Bai is calling. You should go feed him.”

Dreaming again.

It had been a month since that day, and Si Jin didn’t know how many times she had dreamed of Xiao Rong.

The events in the dreams varied, but each time they grew clearer.

It might sound like shy, sweet longing—her husband was by her side every day, yet at night she couldn’t help but bring him into her dreams.

But these were not sweet dreams.

Once again in pitch-black darkness, Si Jin felt herself curled up on the bed.

She should be asleep, yet she couldn’t close her eyes.

She was already in a dream, but there was no peace within it.

A faint sound came from the direction of the door. Si Jin instinctively grew curious, wanting to turn and look, but her body wouldn’t move.

What’s happening?

Who’s outside?

Clang—

A sudden noise, particularly conspicuous in the still night.

It didn’t sound accidental, but more like a deliberate act to alert whoever was inside.

He was coming.

Si Jin’s breath caught.

Tears welled in her eyes for some reason.

“Locked the door?”

Si Jin clearly heard a low voice from outside—muttering to himself, tinged with an ambiguous hint of mockery.

Then came sounds from the side door, then the window.

Even the wooden shelf embedded in the wall as decoration was pushed from the outside.

Who had locked her inside the room? It was so airtight, leaving no gaps.

Yet it was fortunate someone had locked her in. The person outside tried every possible entrance but couldn’t find a way in.

The outside fell silent.

Si Jin heard herself quietly let out a sigh of relief.

But the next moment, a deafening crash made her eardrums ache.

Si Jin’s previously paralyzed body suddenly regained mobility, involuntarily turning around.

“Ah!”

A scream tore from her throat, tears streaming from terrified eyes.

Si Jin jolted upright from the bed.

Wiping her cheeks, she found no trace of the damp tears from her dream.

She sat frozen, her heart pounding violently in her chest.

Lan Xin’s voice immediately came from outside the door: “Madam, what’s wrong?”

Though awake, Si Jin couldn’t quickly recover from the fright.

She responded woodenly, unsure if her voice trembled: “It’s nothing, I’m fine. No need to come in.”

Uncertain of the time, she noticed bright daylight outside and Xiao Rong’s absence from the room.

Moving stiffly, she reached under the bedding beside her, withdrawing her hand quickly upon touching the cold emptiness.

What was this dream trying to tell her this time?

Si Jin tried to recall Xiao Rong’s expression when he broke through the door.

But the entire dream was fading upon waking, making his shadowy figure particularly elusive.

As her thoughts returned to the present, her heart inexplicably trembled. The rhythm of her heartbeat grew erratic, pounding chaotically in her chest until she felt short of breath.

Five months had passed since she began living with Xiao Rong, three months since returning to the capital with him.

Though deep winter now, Si Jin still hadn’t recovered any memories. She wondered if her frozen memories would only thaw with spring’s warm sunshine.

Throughout this period of memory loss, Xiao Rong had always been by her side.

Even without these dreams, Si Jin had long sensed something.

Perhaps Xiao Rong’s possessiveness was too intense.

What he suppressed, concealed, and what overflowed.

She had forgotten the past, but she wasn’t completely unaware.

This possessiveness often made her feel suffocated, though it could be explained away as deep marital affection.

Yet the recent recurring dreams kept planting doubts in her heart.

Had they truly been a deeply affectionate couple?

The fright gradually dissipated in her daze.

Si Jin exhaled heavily, patting her chest before fully recovering.

When Lan Xin and Qiu Ya entered, they noticed nothing unusual.

Si Jin asked as usual: “What time is it? Has my husband left the residence?”

“Madam, it’s just past the hour of Si. But the master hasn’t left today – he’s currently in the study.”

Si Jin nodded thoughtfully without further questions.

After the two finished dressing her and she had breakfast, she prepared to visit the study.

Qiu Ya: “Madam, shall I announce your visit first?”

“No need.” Si Jin paused, then added, “Prepare two portions of lotus seed soup. My husband mentioned before that the kitchen makes it exceptionally smooth. He must be tired after working all morning.”

On the first day back at the capital residence, two maids had told Si Jin that she used to often accompany Xiao Rong while he worked in the study.

Yet since her return, Si Jin had never once accompanied him.

It wasn’t that she was unwilling—she simply never had the opportunity.

When Xiao Rong was busy, he wasn’t at the residence; when he was home, he would always cling to her side.

This made Si Jin wonder: when exactly had she found time to accompany him in the study before?

But now was that time.

Walking along the corridor toward the study, Si Jin suddenly realized this seemed to be her first visit to the study since returning to the capital.

Since it was primarily Xiao Rong’s workspace, she had no reason to go there when he was absent.

Halfway down the corridor, the tiled roof of the study came into view ahead.

For no apparent reason, Si Jin suddenly craned her neck and leaned forward.

Just as the greenery along the corridor passed behind her, the side window of the study facing the corridor abruptly appeared before her eyes.

The window was wide open, revealing the figure of a man seated at the desk inside, his profile visible from the corridor.

Si Jin’s footsteps faltered.

“Madam, is something wrong?”

Si Jin stood frozen in place, silent.

She was startled by her own inexplicable action moments before, and even more astonished that this action had actually allowed her to catch a glimpse of Xiao Rong from where she’d leaned forward.

It was as if she’d known all along that this spot offered a view through the study window.

Had she often peeked at him from here in the past, leaving her body with muscle memory even after amnesia?

Si Jin’s eyelashes fluttered as she lowered her gaze and murmured, “It’s nothing. Let’s continue.”

She resumed walking, a faint sense of embarrassment stirring within her.

But before warmth could spread across her cheeks or embarrassment fully settle in her heart—

A stranger, more uncontrollable emotion suddenly surfaced, surging forth relentlessly.

Si Jin stopped again.

Here, shaded by trees, the study window was no longer visible, but the curve of the courtyard gate was just ahead.

A sudden resistance welled up inside her.

For some reason, Si Jin instinctively resisted going to this place.

She didn’t want to move forward, didn’t want to enter that room.

She didn’t even want to see the man currently inside.

This feeling seemed to more accurately explain why she had never visited this place in three months.

It wasn’t for lack of opportunity—but instinctive avoidance.

What was happening…

Why did she feel this way?

Si Jin’s expression grew flustered, the unknown resistance making her uneasy.

As if something frightening had once happened here.

“Madam…”

Si Jin quickly interrupted the maid’s inquiry.

Frowning, she even felt physically uncomfortable, but still pressed forward: “I’m fine. Wait here—no need to follow me inside.”

With that, she quickened her pace and soon entered the courtyard.

Servants in the courtyard bowed respectfully upon seeing her.

Just as Si Jin slightly raised her hand, the study door opened from within.

“Xiao Jin.”

Si Jin paused, temporarily setting aside her physical resistance. “How did you know I was coming?”

Even if he’d heard the servants greeting her, he couldn’t have moved from the desk to the door so quickly.

Xiao Rong stepped forward to meet her, taking her hand to lead her inside. “If you could see me through the window, why couldn’t I see you?”

Si Jin parted her lips: “But… you didn’t turn to look just now, did you?”

He had appeared completely absorbed, his gaze fixed intently on the book in his hands, his finger tracing the pages as if reading word by word.

Recalling the scene she had just witnessed, Si Jin couldn’t help but let her mind wander. That spot was truly bright, with sunlight streaming through the window and falling upon one side of his face.

She had to admit, he looked quite handsome.

“What are you thinking about?” Xiao Rong reached out and pinched her cheek.

Pouting, Si Jin retaliated by poking his cheek: “I’m wondering if you have eyes on the sides of your head. Otherwise, how could you have seen me?”

Xiao Rong chuckled softly, neither avoiding nor resisting, allowing her soft fingers to play mischief on his face.

Only when they entered the room together did he lead her to sit beside his desk: “I don’t have eyes on the sides of my head, but I could see you in my peripheral vision.”

Si Jin didn’t believe this at all.

While peripheral vision exists, how could anyone constantly pay attention to it? Especially when he had been focused on something else at the time.

Before she could say anything more,

Xiao Rong suddenly turned to face her directly, his gaze calm and his tone serious: “Whenever you’re within my line of sight, I’ll notice you immediately.”

Si Jin’s heart skipped a beat. She stared blankly for a moment before forcing an unnatural smile: “Don’t say things like that. It sounds rather frightening.”

“Why frightening?”

Indeed, why should those words be frightening? They merely indicated his special attention toward her.

But Si Jin was reminded of last night’s dream.

When she had jolted awake this morning, her first instinct had been to immediately tell Xiao Rong about the nightmare, to let his real, awakened self dispel her illusory fears.

Yet now, looking at Xiao Rong before her, she suddenly found herself unwilling to share her dream with him for some reason.

Si Jin lowered her gaze and changed the subject: “Let’s not talk about this. I came because I have something else to discuss with you.”

Xiao Rong looked at her deeply, his expression revealing no emotion, though his fingers tightened slightly, enveloping her entire hand in his palm.

“What did you want to say?”

Si Jin tilted her head in thought, then unexpectedly withdrew what she had originally intended to say and instead asked: “You still haven’t received any letters from Xu Zhi for me these days, have you?”

Xiao Rong narrowed his eyes slightly, his gaze lingering on Si Jin’s face for a moment: “Didn’t I tell you last time? Your letters would naturally be delivered directly to you by the servants. They would never come to me first. Why are you still asking me about this?”

His tone sounded normal, even carrying a hint of indulgent helplessness.

Si Jin lowered her gaze momentarily, feeling complicated inside.

Once again, she had unconsciously tested Xiao Rong, whether influenced by those dreams or for some other reason.

Soon, she raised her eyes and smiled: “I’m just anxious because there haven’t been any letters at all.”

“What’s there to be anxious about? Is there something important between you two?”

“I’ve forgotten, so how would I know? I just thought she should have written to me by now. I never expected there wouldn’t be any news at all.”

Si Jin maintained her smile and hooked her finger with Xiao Rong’s. “Alright, now I’m really getting to the main matter. I heard there’s a bookstore in the northern suburbs of the capital with extensive collections. Since I often have nothing to do at the residence, I’d like to make time to visit and select some books to pass the time.”

Before Xiao Rong could speak, Si Jin preempted him: “Will you come with me?”

Xiao Rong’s breath hitched, the words on the tip of his tongue stilled.

In his line of sight, Si Jin was gazing directly at him with clear, bright eyes, carrying a mix of delight and anticipation that made her pupils exceptionally beautiful.

“Did you figure out how to make it impossible for me to refuse?”

“Why would you say that? Was this originally something that would be rejected?”

Xiao Rong’s gaze swept over those eyes, somewhat coveting the light within them.

Just as that light was gradually dimming in his silence, he finally spoke softly: “No, I’ll accompany you.”

Si Jin’s eyes lit up with joy again: “Good!”

Since her last visit to the Flower and Bird Market, Si Jin hadn’t left the residence.

Unfamiliar with this place and its people, she had unintentionally cut off contact with the outside world for an extended period.

This trip to the Bookstore was merely a sudden whim – she didn’t know if she had been a book lover before, only that compared to immersing herself in books, she simply wanted to go out, nothing more.

However, compared to her, Xiao Rong seemed particularly cheerful.

Several nights, he had unexpectedly accommodated her wishes – slowing when she asked, gentling when she requested, content with just once without pressing for more.

As if transformed, he became remarkably obedient.

Even that so-called gift of his was never brought out again.

This left Si Jin several times, after blurting out “don’t,” suspended in mid-air, unable to proceed or retreat, left wide-eyed with flushed cheeks in a mix of embarrassment and frustration, yet unable to utter another word.

On the day of their planned bookstore visit, which coincided with Xiao Rong’s scheduled day off, he had disappeared early in the morning.

According to the servants’ report, some urgent matter had delayed him, leaving Si Jin no choice but to wait patiently at home.

As the sun climbed high and the hour reached mid-morning, Xiao Rong still hadn’t returned.

Already dressed and groomed, Si Jin had waited from inside her room to the courtyard, from the courtyard to the gate, before finally returning to the rocking chair in the yard – though without any leisurely rocking intentions.

Lan Xin reported: “Madam, we’ve sent someone to inquire. His Lordship should be delayed a while longer, but he’ll certainly finish before noon. There’s still most of the afternoon – we’ll have plenty of time.”

Si Jin couldn’t help frowning: “We have to wait until noon?”

Just as Qiu Ya beside her was about to add something.

Si Jin suddenly stood up and decided: “Then let’s set out first. When my husband finishes his work, he can meet me at the bookstore. This will save considerable time.”

The two maids were taken aback.

“Madam…”

“But…”

Under Si Jin’s gaze, they immediately fell silent.

“What do you mean? Can I not go out without waiting for him?”

“O-of course not.”

“Quickly prepare the carriage, and send someone to inform His Lordship.”

Si Jin watched steadily as the servants moved about the courtyard following her decision.

Some went to prepare the carriage, others to inform Xiao Rong.

A quietly emerging thought began to grow and spread within her.

Unknown to anyone, unnoticed by all, only Si Jin herself slowly pressed it back deep into her heart.

Soon, the carriage was ready, and Si Jin set off for the northern suburbs with several servants.

Though she was already on the road instead of waiting idly, the delayed departure had somewhat diminished her initial enthusiasm.

Or perhaps it was because she had left behind the person who should have been accompanying her.

Si Jin tilted her head and asked, “Has someone been sent to inform Chongyun?”

“Yes, madam.”

She muttered again, “I wonder what he’s busy with.”

“His Lordship should be here soon.”

“Didn’t you just say it would be noon?”

Qiu Ya fell silent, unsure whether she couldn’t find the right words or had spoken out of turn.

Si Jin didn’t take it to heart.

After traveling for a while, the carriage finally left the city.

The bookstore in the northern suburbs was not far from the city gate, and soon the building came into view.

Si Jin lifted the carriage curtain and peered outside.

“It seems there aren’t many people here.”

“Madam, the northern suburbs are outside the city after all. Although it houses numerous books, not many would make the extra journey for it.”

“That’s true. But it’s better to have some peace and quiet. While waiting for my husband, I can browse and select some books in the bookstore to pass the time.”

The carriage passed along a small path and stopped in front of the bookstore.

Lan Xin stepped down first to make arrangements, while Qiu Ya stood by the carriage, waiting for Si Jin to step out slowly.

Si Jin distractedly surveyed the bookstore. Indeed, there were few people around. After a few glances, she withdrew her gaze.

“Madam, everything has been arranged.”

Si Jin nodded slightly and walked toward the bookstore.

The bookstore was surrounded by three pavilions. In the courtyard, a few people passed through the corridors and soon disappeared from sight.

The bookstore housed a wide variety of books, and the storybooks Si Jin had known about in advance were separately placed in the pavilion on the right.

After scanning the area, she had no intention of wandering around and was about to head directly in that direction.

Suddenly, a hurried footsteps echoed distinctly in the quiet courtyard.

Si Jin paused and instinctively turned to look.

A dark shadow flashed before her eyes, followed by a dull thud.

“Ah…”

“S-sorry.”

“How are you walking! Are you blind?”

“I-I didn’t mean to.”

The newcomer was a plainly dressed young man, resembling either a bookstore attendant or an ordinary commoner.

He had rushed over hastily and collided directly with Si Jin, prompting her accompanying servant to scold him sharply.

Si Jin took a moment to catch her breath, her expression dazed, as if she had been frightened.

The young man bowed his head almost to the ground, repeatedly apologizing.

Si Jin snapped back to her senses and awkwardly raised her left hand to stop her servant. “Enough, don’t be so harsh. Let him go.”

“Yes, Madam.”

Lan Xin stepped closer. “Madam, are you alright? Were you hurt?”

Si Jin shook her head. “It didn’t hurt me. It was just a bit startling.”

She quickly added, “Don’t let a small matter ruin the mood. Stay here. I’m going into the pavilion to select some books.”

“Madam, let me accompany you.”

“No need. A crowd would be distracting. I’ll go alone.”

Si Jin did not pay much attention to the reactions of her servants, and they did not insist.

After speaking, she resumed her earlier pace and walked toward the pavilion on the right.

The pavilion was even quieter. Light streamed in through several windows, but it was not as bright as in the courtyard.

After entering, Si Jin gradually quickened her steps until she rounded several bookshelves, stopping abruptly in a spot that was out of sight from the door and where no one else was passing by.

Her expression gradually tightened, and her gaze trembled slightly.

Her hand, which had been tucked in her sleeve all along, stiffened for a moment before slowly lifting.

She did not recognize the man at all. He had rushed out and collided with her, seemingly an urgent accident.

But at the moment of impact, he had slipped a note into her hand.

While he pretended nothing had happened, Si Jin had also kept her composure, not revealing anything.

Perhaps it was because she already had doubts in her heart, or for some other reason.

Si Jin had no time to ponder further.

In any case, she had to read the contents of the note first.

Her heart pounded wildly as she finally unfolded the note in her hand under the dim light of the corner.

[Upper floor of the West Pavilion. Shen]