Chapter 31: “You Never Actually Intended to Let Me…”

Si Jin furrowed her delicate brows. Seeing the character “Shen,” her mind instantly thought of Shen Xuzhi.

But Shen Xuzhi wasn’t in the capital, and had no reason to send her a message in such a covert manner.

Was it a coincidence?

Had it accidentally fallen from the man who just passed by?

Numerous possibilities flashed through Si Jin’s mind in that moment.

West Pavilion.

It was the building directly opposite this very spot.

Was the person who wrote this note seeking to meet her, or had she unintentionally picked up someone else’s message?

She didn’t know, but she couldn’t help caring.

Should she go and see?

Suddenly, Si Jin heard footsteps approaching, deliberately lightened as if to avoid detection.

Her heart fluttered with panic, and she randomly grabbed two books from the shelf.

Turning around, she saw Qiu Ya standing before her.

Si Jin’s expression darkened as she took the initiative: “Why did you follow me? Didn’t I tell you to wait outside?”

Qiu Ya immediately bowed her head: “We waited outside for a long time without seeing you come out, and grew worried about you, Madam, so I thought to come in and check.”

“Besides books, there are only books in this pavilion. What could possibly happen to me? Are you spying on me?”

Hearing this, Qiu Ya was so frightened she immediately wanted to kneel: “Please forgive me, Madam. How would I dare?”

“Enough, this isn’t the residence. Don’t kneel. Go wait outside. I’ll come out after I’ve made my selection.”

Not daring to say more, Qiu Ya kept her head down and quickly turned to leave.

Watching Qiu Ya’s retreating figure, Si Jin felt a chill in her heart.

Once suspicion takes root, everything begins to seem strange.

In a hidden spot within the forest.

Though a mature man well past thirty, he completely lost control of his emotions.

Second Master Xiao anxiously and frantically tugged at his hair: “He knows. He saw us that day. He must know about our affairs. He’ll kill me.”

Standing before him was Si Yue, whom he had been caught with that day.

Si Yue looked at him coldly, his face showing clear disgust: “How would he kill you? In broad daylight, in public, just take your head?”

The absurdity of the statement terrified Second Master Xiao, making him even more hysterical: “No, you don’t understand. He will, he definitely will. Xiao Sheng is still missing. After what he said to me that day, I’m afraid Xiao Sheng is probably already dead.”

Hearing this, Si Yue’s expression finally shifted slightly.

He frowned slightly, his gaze sharp.

Did Xiao Rong kill Xiao Sheng?

Si Yue’s gaze gradually shifted away from Second Master Xiao’s face.

He silently stared deep into the forest for a long while before speaking: “What is there to fear? Everyone has weaknesses. As long as we grasp Xiao Rong’s weakness, we can control him.”

Second Master Xiao said in terror: “You—what do you want to do? Control Xiao Rong? What kind of person is he? Don’t joke, that’s impossible.”

Si Yue let out a cold laugh.

Why was it impossible? It merely required paying some price.

To achieve the goal, just a small price.

Find someone to bear it for him.

Si Yue’s gaze returned to Second Master Xiao’s face: “I have my plans.”

On the other side of the forest, a group of men and horses had halted.

Soon, a scout returned: “Sir, the trail to the east has disappeared. Should we head further north?”

Xiao Rong glanced up at the sky and ordered in a deep voice: “Rats in the gutter, only know how to hide. Don’t waste any more time on them.”

Before long, they would no longer even have the chance to hide.

Si Jin soon emerged from the pavilion.

Lan Xin stepped forward and said, “Madam, a private room has been prepared for you. You may read there.”

“No, I’d like to look around some more.” As she spoke, Si Jin naturally placed the books she had just selected into Lan Xin’s arms. “I’ll go this way.”

“Madam, that area is… historical records.”

Si Jin tilted her head. “Did I not read historical records before?”

“This… I wouldn’t know.”

“Then I should go take a look. If I find them dull, I simply won’t choose them. After all, my husband hasn’t arrived yet—it’s just to pass the time.”

This time, Si Jin gave no further instructions, and no servants followed behind her.

She stepped into the West Pavilion and found its layout nearly identical to the previous pavilion.

Second floor.

She glanced upward, catching only a glimpse of half the staircase.

Si Jin took a deep breath, her heart harboring both anticipation for something to happen and a contradictory wish for nothing to occur.

She even felt an impulse to turn and leave, as if fleeing from something, yet she could find no reason for this urge to escape.

Uncertain why she felt this way, Si Jin nonetheless quickly stepped forward, bypassing the bookshelves and heading toward the second floor.

The West Pavilion was even quieter, the sound of her embroidered shoes on the wooden staircase echoing distinctly throughout the building.

As Si Jin reached the midpoint without looking up, a low voice suddenly came from above: “Miss Si.”

Startled, Si Jin looked up with wide eyes.

The person standing there was actually Shen Chi.

“You…”

Shen Chi glanced behind her to confirm no one was there before moving. “A word in private.”

He turned and walked deeper inside. After a moment’s hesitation, Si Jin quickly followed.

They reached a corner, the dim and silent surroundings evoking a sense of unease.

The distinction between men and women made Si Jin already regret her impulsive and rash decision.

Just then, Shen Chi spoke: “Miss Si, you don’t remember me.”

Si Jin frowned, puzzled by why Shen Chi had led her here with such circumlocution only to say this.

But soon, Shen Chi continued: “It’s not a question but a statement. Miss Si, you no longer remember me.”

Si Jin froze, her breath catching for a moment. “Wh-what are you saying?”

Shen Chi stopped beating around the bush and came straight to the point: “Last time we met at the Flower and Bird Market, I employed a bit of cunning. I falsely claimed that my younger sister hadn’t informed me of her whereabouts and had only written to you to explain the matter. But you noticed nothing amiss and believed it to be true. That’s how I deduced you might have forgotten the past.”

Si Jin’s heart pounded heavily against her chest, her intuition telling her that what she was about to learn would be entirely different from her current understanding.

“Half a year ago, my sister and I helped you escape the capital and flee from Xiao Rong. The difficulties were nerve-wracking, and my sister and I were certain you would never return. Yet now, you’ve been brought back to his side.”

“Escape…” Si Jin heard her own voice tremble.

Leaving home in a fit of pique and fleeing were two entirely different concepts.

Shen Chi gazed steadily at her, speaking gravely: “Since that day we met, I haven’t been able to find another opportunity to see you. When I discovered there was no news whatsoever about your departure from the capital, your return, or even your memory loss, I began to suspect that these matters—and perhaps you yourself—were under Xiao Rong’s control.”

Si Jin stared blankly, her ears buzzing as if she hadn’t quite caught Shen Chi’s words, yet in reality her mind had registered every syllable with perfect clarity.

Xiao Rong was controlling her?

For a moment, Si Jin felt surprised—but what surprised her was the realization that upon hearing someone else voice this notion, her heart responded with a sense of already knowing.

Yet she had never consciously entertained such thoughts before.

Had she not thought of it, or had she never allowed this idea to surface…

Suddenly, heavy, measured footsteps echoed through the pavilion.

Si Jin’s expression changed instantly.

Shen Chi immediately stepped closer, his voice dropping to an urgent whisper: “This isn’t the place to talk. Meeting today was already risky. If you’re willing to trust me, I’ll tell you everything you want to know. We’ll meet again at Si Manor during your family’s patriarch’s birthday celebration next month.”

Si Jin snapped back to awareness. Without time for further thought, she quickly pulled a book from the shelf and turned to leave.

The servants accompanying her seemed to operate under someone’s orders to watch her every moment.

Whether at home or outside.

In barely any time at all—less than she’d spent in the previous pavilion—they had tracked her down again.

What exactly were they trying to accomplish…

Si Jin’s breath caught, her footsteps halting midway down the staircase.

Her lips parted, unable to suppress the slight tremor in her voice: “H-husband?”

Xiao Rong’s tall, straight figure stood at the bottom of the stairs.

The dim light rendered the shadow stretching behind him indistinct, concealing even the expression on his face.

He looked up at the figure on the stairs, and as if concerned she might not see clearly, took another step forward to ensure she could witness the smile gracing his lips.

“Why that expression when you see me? Don’t you want me here?”

“No, that’s not it.” Si Jin denied quickly, her heart twisting into knots. “Of course I’m surprised you appeared so suddenly. How did you get here so fast? Didn’t you say you wouldn’t arrive until noon?”

Xiao Rong began ascending while speaking: “I’d already kept you waiting too long. When I finished early, I came as quickly as possible.”

Si Jin hurried down the remaining steps, blocking Xiao Rong’s path at the staircase landing within two or three steps, preventing him from going further up.

Xiao Rong’s smile gradually faded as he asked gently, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Since you’re here, I don’t need to wander around killing time anymore.”

“What were you looking at up there? Should we go take another look?”

“I’ve already seen everything. This area only has history books. I skimmed a few randomly, but they didn’t interest me.”

Though Si Jin had a slender frame, the staircase landing happened to be narrow.

Standing there blocking Xiao Rong’s path, with no intention of going back up herself, she effectively prevented him from continuing his ascent.

Xiao Rong fell silent for a moment at her words, his gaze sweeping past her to glance upward.

Si Jin realized she seemed to be holding her breath.

She hurriedly tried to resume normal breathing, but Xiao Rong suddenly reached toward her.

Si Jin froze, looking down to see Xiao Rong taking hold of the book she held against her chest.

“You took one to read even though they don’t interest you?”

Si Jin’s heart sank.

In her panic, she had contradicted herself.

But it was just a book. She moved her lips and whispered softly, “Just browsing casually. I can’t return empty-handed after all.”

Xiao Rong remained silent for another moment.

Perhaps there was nothing at all, and nothing had been detected.

But the longer his silence lasted, the more uneasy Si Jin became.

Just as her heart felt like it was about to leap from her chest to her throat, Xiao Rong finally spoke.

“You’re right. Let’s go out then. I’d like to see what other books you’ve picked earlier.”

With that, Xiao Rong turned away from the stairwell and headed toward the pavilion’s door.

Si Jin quietly breathed a sigh of relief. Upon seeing Xiao Rong’s back, she instinctively wanted to glance back toward the upper floor.

But she quickly restrained herself from making any strange movements, taking a few quick steps to catch up with Xiao Rong and actively reaching out to hold his hand.

Xiao Rong’s gaze shifted slightly. He glanced sideways at their joined hands before quickly looking away.

Nothing happened. Everything remained ordinary and uneventful.

Today was just one of their rare outings together. Xiao Rong had been delayed by affairs and arrived late, but now the couple had reunited and would continue spending the latter half of the day together.

That’s how it seemed. That’s how it should be.

Si Jin lowered her gaze and followed Xiao Rong step by step out of the West Pavilion.

Tangled thoughts surged more chaotically in her heart when no one spoke anymore.

Xiao Rong was the person who had been with her day and night since she lost her memory, while she had only met Shen Chi once before that.

Shen Chi had tested and deceived her, making her genuinely believe that Shen Xuzhi had sent letters, causing her to dwell on it for several days.

Today’s invitation had been even more suspicious, with him speaking strange words from the very beginning.

He asked her to trust him, but how could she believe things that completely contradicted her understanding?

Unable to dismiss Shen Chi’s words from her mind, she could only repeatedly suggest to herself internally.

Those might not be true, and he might not be a kind-hearted person either.

Si Jin didn’t know why she needed to think this way.

But if she truly didn’t believe Shen Chi’s words at all, why had she hidden this matter from Xiao Rong?

After Xiao Rong arrived, they browsed through another pavilion, selected some books, and then went together to the prepared private room for reading.

Si Jin was somewhat distracted. She could hardly take in half a word from the book in her hands, yet still had to maintain a calm and composed appearance.

Fortunately, Xiao Rong didn’t seem to notice anything unusual at all.

As usual, he stayed close to her in a somewhat clingy manner. While attending to his own matters, his free hand would occasionally reach over to hold hers, sometimes playing with her palm, other times intertwining their fingers.

As noon approached, it was time for them to return home.

Si Jin barely had to worry about anything. The selected books had all been prepared for her under Xiao Rong’s instructions. He seemed to have chosen some additional ones too, giving her more reading options back at the residence.

In the returning carriage, Si Jin had just sat down when an arm circled her waist, effortlessly pulling her over.

The momentary sensation of nearly being lifted into the air made Si Jin gasp softly.

Turning her head, she found herself already nestled in Xiao Rong’s embrace.

“Can you focus on me now?”

The familiar daily dialogue made Si Jin not overthink it.

She curved her lips into a smile for him. “As if I’ve been neglecting you.”

“Yes, you have,” Xiao Rong responded, his voice gentle and calm as usual.

“You were so focused on reading earlier that I wanted to speak with you, yet feared disturbing you.”

Si Jin was momentarily surprised, unconsciously remarking, “Since when have you become so considerate?”

This was undeniably true—Xiao Rong seldom displayed such “consideration.” When he wished to pester someone, there was no shaking him off.

Yet in saying this, Si Jin forgot she hadn’t been particularly focused earlier either.

Xiao Rong let out a soft chuckle, as if openly acknowledging her accusation.

“I want to kiss you.His thin lips parted, and his tone was one of utter entitlement when he spoke again.

Yet he merely tilted his head slightly lower, making no further move, as if waiting for Si Jin to come to him.

On ordinary days, Si Jin would mostly refuse.

Once caught by Xiao Rong for a kiss, it would be impossible to break free for quite some time.

But now, her mind was in turmoil. Perhaps emptying her thoughts was the only way to truly calm herself.

She reached out and cupped Xiao Rong’s face.

His face was right before her eyes, yet she hadn’t paid attention to his expression.

Much later, whenever Si Jin recalled this moment, she couldn’t help but feel a twinge of regret.

If only she had been calmer, more composed—if only she had steadied herself and taken a proper look at Xiao Rong.

But at that moment, she saw nothing. Gently closing her eyes, she leaned in and pressed her lips to his.

Xiao Rong’s pupils contracted slightly, the light in his eyes flickering. The warmth and softness of her lips met his, yet his expression remained dark and inscrutable.

His brooding demeanor did nothing to diminish the tenderness of the kiss.

He slid a hand to the back of her neck, pressing her head closer to his, allowing no retreat.

Seizing control, Xiao Rong’s tongue pried past her lips, swiftly stealing her breath.

He kissed her fiercely, savoring every inch of her mouth.

Soon, the carriage filled with the soft, ambiguous sounds of their kiss, unmistakable in the confined, narrow space.

As the heat between them intensified, Xiao Rong wrapped an arm around her waist and lifted her onto his lap.

Si Jin felt as if she were being devoured. Her lips swelled with a dull ache from his suction, her chest grew tight, and she struggled to breathe, yet she couldn’t turn away to gasp for air.

Sitting limply on his lap, she felt her body grow weak, and beneath her, she gradually became aware of his arousal—burning and eager, as if he intended to satisfy his desires right there in the carriage.

When her skirt was pushed aside, Si Jin trembled, her eyelashes fluttering as she let out a muffled whimper.

But Xiao Rong merely spread his palm and gripped her firmly.

His skillful, provocative kneading and squeezing of her softness below the waist nearly made her lose her balance, and the sounds she made could no longer be contained by her lips.

The carriage jolted to a halt, snapping Si Jin back to reality, but a soft moan had already escaped her throat.

The kiss ceased, and all sound came to an abrupt end.

Inside and outside the carriage, silence fell instantly.

Si Jin’s face flushed crimson, her gaze darting nervously, unsure whether her earlier sounds had been loud or soft.

The silence lingered for a moment.

When her eyes met Xiao Rong’s dark gaze, she found no warmth in them—no trace of the passion from their deep kiss.

They were flat, cold as ice, staring directly at her.

Si Jin’s heart tightened, her already suffocated chest losing the ability to breathe once more.

Frozen in place, she felt her body temperature plummet.

A chill crept up her spine, spreading to the nape of her neck and then to her scalp, leaving her tingling and numb.

Xiao Rong looked at her tense form and suddenly smiled.

His thin lips curved into a pleasing arc, the lingering moisture and rosy flush from their kiss still visible on their surface, lending him a strikingly handsome allure tinged with sensuality.

Yet there was not a trace of warmth in his eyes—only a chilling darkness that seemed to drag the reflection within them into an abyssal gloom.

His voice was low and deliberate as he said, “We’ve arrived. Once we’re home, you can tell me exactly what you and Shen Chi discussed earlier in the upper level of the West Pavilion.”

Si Jin’s heart, which had been suspended in dread, plummeted instantly, striking her chest with a painful thud.

He knew. He had known all along that she was hiding something.

Yet throughout all that time before, he had revealed nothing, said nothing.

Even on their way back to the estate, they had been intimately entwined as if nothing were amiss.

That had not been an alternative method to calm her racing thoughts—it had been Xiao Rong’s premeditated indulgence, a fleeting pleasure savored before this moment.

Si Jin found her voice trapped in her throat, aware only of the trembling of her lips.

Her mind raced, scrambling for a suitable explanation.

But before she could speak, Xiao Rong spoke again, “Don’t bother with excuses. I want to know everything you discussed with him.”

Si Jin’s spine stiffened further. She saw that even the slight smile at the corner of his lips had vanished, his expression now cold and unfamiliar.

It felt as though he were interrogating her like a criminal, the overwhelming pressure threatening to shatter her composure before their conversation had even properly begun.

Gradually, Si Jin began to regain her senses—hearing her own breathing, the frantic beat of her heart, the whisper of the wind outside, and the rhythmic clatter of hooves.

Steadying herself, she frowned slightly. “What do you mean? Are you questioning me?”

“Not questioning—inquiring.”

“But I expect your answer.”

How was this not questioning? It felt more like an interrogation.

The guilt of her hidden secrets threw Si Jin off balance.

Eager to brush past the matter, she grasped at the first explanation that surfaced in her mind: “It was just a chance encounter. He mentioned Grandfather’s birthday celebration next month.”

Xiao Rong’s gaze darkened. “Is that so?”

Having spoken, Si Jin couldn’t take it back. She could only press on stubbornly, “That’s all it was.”

Xiao Rong fell silent, not speaking again for a long while.

The atmosphere inside the carriage grew heavy and still, the reason for this impasse elusive.

Amid the silence, the conflict Si Jin had long suppressed resurfaced.

She knew she shouldn’t say any more—whether asking or answering, continuing down this path led only to uncertainty and unease.

Yet she felt as if a veil had been draped over her eyes, blurring her vision. Her eyelids fluttered, and her body instinctively yearned to lift that thin gauze.

Before she realized it, she had already spoken unbidden: “But why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

Xiao Rong broke his silence without hesitation, his tone flat and detached. “I’ve already told you—your current situation makes it inappropriate for you to appear in public. Therefore, you won’t be attending the banquet.”

“But it’s my grandfather’s birthday! How can I not go?”

Xiao Rong watched her with an inscrutable expression, his face seemingly devoid of emotion, yet his eyes held a complex, shadowed depth.

He raised his hand and gently stroked her cheek, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear with delicate fingers. “Don’t worry. No one would dare say a word.”

“Not for that reason, but because I wish to attend. My health has long recovered, yet my memories show no signs of returning. So much time has already passed—I cannot remain hidden from the world forever.”

“Forever…” Xiao Rong murmured under his breath, his expression softening unexpectedly, yet the words bitten off at his lips carried an undeniable authority.

“Perhaps I truly should keep you hidden from the world forever.”

“You… what did you say?”

Xiao Rong’s gaze coiled around her like vines—no longer a playful metaphor, but a tangible presence that felt suffocatingly tight.

His thin lips moved as he told her once more: “You need not attend this banquet.”

Not “should not,” not “cannot,” but “need not.”

Just as with all matters before she could even contemplate them, Xiao Rong had already made the decision for her.

She shouldn’t ask. She shouldn’t continue speaking.

She even instinctively resisted thinking about why Xiao Rong would do this.

Yet the unstoppable answer, along with countless thoughts from recent days, surged into her mind unbidden.

Had it not been mentioned today, Xiao Rong would never have informed her about this banquet.

When the day arrived, she would simply assume Xiao Rong was out on official business as usual. Even upon his return, she would remain unaware of what she had missed that day.

It was the Si family banquet. All members of the Si family would attend. There, she would see familiar relatives from her past, meet the parents she hadn’t seen since awakening.

Seeing them might help her remember something.

Her memories had remained elusive, perhaps precisely because she remained confined within this mansion day after day.

Yet Xiao Rong forbade her from going.

Long-rooted suspicions, glaring inconsistencies too obvious to ignore, and countless subtler details from daily life.

Even the most oblivious person would have noticed the anomalies—earlier, without needing others’ guidance.

At this moment, Si Jin clearly realized she had sensed it all along, but cowardly chose to ignore it.

She had no memories, no past, not even a visible future.

Since awakening, aside from Xiao Rong, she had no one else to trust. Trusting and relying on him had become an instinct, a self-deceptive form of self-preservation.

If the truth were exposed, she would be lost in a dilemma with no direction.

Xiao Rong had trapped her, yet she couldn’t break free from him.

Though her mind warned against seeking further answers, her body moved beyond control.

Si Jin’s lips trembled unconsciously as she spoke: “You never actually intended for me to recover my memories, did you?”