Chapter 34 “Only I, forever cannot…”

The door was pushed wider by the cold winter night wind, bringing the indoor light into the courtyard.

Si Jin stood silently before the door, the unidentified object in her vision now clear.

It was her drawers.

Si Jin suddenly came to her senses—could it be that Xiao Rong had dismissed all the servants from the courtyard because he was squatting here doing this?

Did he actually still care about saving face?

Xiao Rong remained unperturbed upon seeing Si Jin. Without speaking to her, he naturally lowered his head and continued scrubbing.

The sound of splashing water was quite noticeable in the quiet courtyard, but would be difficult to hear indoors with the door closed.

The silence continued to spread.

Si Jin didn’t advance further, but neither did she return inside.

Until Xiao Rong finished wringing out the washed drawers.

“Let’s go, I’ll accompany you back inside.”

His voice sounded deep, with a hint of hoarseness that blended into the night, inevitably stirring some imagination.

Yet he spoke with such a matter-of-fact tone that it infuriated Si Jin.

“I’m not going back.”

With that, Si Jin stepped across the threshold.

Xiao Rong showed no intention of stopping her, still fiddling with her drawers in his hands, openly clenching and loosening his grip on her intimate garment, stroking and smoothing it before her eyes.

Si Jin’s brow twitched slightly as she heard Xiao Rong lower his head and ask: “Then what do you want to do?”

The words “I want to leave” were already on the tip of her tongue, but Si Jin didn’t repeat this fruitless statement.

It seemed they had been arguing about this all day.

Whether intense or subdued, along with numerous other complicated thoughts pressing on her heart, made Si Jin feel utterly exhausted just thinking about it.

Her grandfather’s birthday was the only external matter she knew of recently that concerned her.

She didn’t know if Shen Chi was someone who could help her, but at the very least she needed to find an opportunity to meet him first.

Si Jin fell silent for a moment, then looked up at the night sky: “There’s no moon tonight.”

She wanted to say that she couldn’t even pass time by admiring the moon.

But Xiao Rong didn’t respond, whether because he didn’t know how to answer or didn’t want to.

Si Jin’s heart skipped a beat. She had only set up her first line, yet her palms were already sweating nervously from tension.

If not for the darkness of night, her expression would likely have been completely transparent to Xiao Rong.

Si Jin lowered her eyes, her eyelashes trembling slightly. After a long while, when she looked up again, she saw that Xiao Rong had already silently washed her drawers and hung them on a rack by the wall.

She twitched the corner of her mouth: “You’re… hanging them in a place like that.”

“No one will see.”

Even she had never known there was a rack there before.

Even if she had glimpsed it unintentionally, that empty spot wouldn’t have drawn her attention.

Xiao Rong was already walking toward her.

He reached out to take her hand, but Si Jin instinctively avoided it.

In an instant, Xiao Rong grabbed her hand again with a darkened expression, completely enveloping it in his palm.

Dominant and completely unreasonable.

They didn’t return inside, but sat down at the desk in the courtyard.

The moonless night sky was chaotic, making the silent atmosphere even more oppressive.

Si Jin pinched her free hand beneath her sleeve.

The winter night’s cold wind had long since turned her fingers cold and stiff, while her other hand was warming up within Xiao Rong’s large palm.

The interweaving of cold and heat was as uncomfortable as the tension in her heart at that moment.

After a long while, Si Jin took a deep breath and exhaled heavily, the air turning into a wisp of white mist that quickly dissipated.

Hesitation and cautious preparation filled her heart with waves of grievance. The more tense she became, the more starkly it contrasted with Xiao Rong’s calm composure.

What should have been a perfectly ordinary matter now required her to tread carefully with tentative probing.

She abruptly abandoned all reservations and snatched her hand back from Xiao Rong’s grasp.

“I’m going to attend my grandfather’s birthday banquet.”

Xiao Rong remained seated on the stone bench, head bowed as he stared at his now empty palm.

The night obscured the lines of his hand, a chill spreading from his fingertips in an instant.

He remained silent for a long moment, as if lost in his own thoughts, completely oblivious to Si Jin’s words.

Si Jin’s expression stiffened, and as the silence stretched on, she gradually grew restless.

“I said, I want to attend…”

Xiao Rong suddenly cut her off: “So you can meet Shen Chi?”

Si Jin’s heart instantly sank.

Xiao Rong’s thin lips moved slightly, his voice soft and slow, yet the unnaturally drawn-out tone mingling with the night air evoked an inexplicable sense of dread.

“Meet him, discuss with him, plot with him about how to escape from my side.”

Xiao Rong turned his head, his expression shrouded in shadows that cast a gloomy darkness across his features, yet the corners of his lips gradually curled into what seemed like a pleased smile.

As if proudly demonstrating that he could see right through her every thought, that she had nowhere to hide before him.

Si Jin felt her scalp prickle, the color draining from her face. As her vision alternated between Xiao Rong’s shifting gaze—now bright, now dark—a physiological fear surged through her, instinctively making her want to turn and flee.

She stiffly rose to her feet, her legs trembling as she took a step backward.

But Xiao Rong stood up as well, calmly taking a step toward her, closing the distance between them once more.

He looked down at her with tranquil eyes that seemed to pose no threat, yet made Si Jin feel as if he had mentally undressed her from head to toe, his gaze then transforming into coiling vines that climbed up her body and tightly wrapped around her.

Si Jin felt a moment of suffocation, her thoughts tangled into a messy knot by his stare.

But she refused to show fear in front of Xiao Rong, forcing her voice to remain steady as she enunciated each word clearly: “I told you, I don’t want to stay by your side.”

Upon hearing this, Xiao Rong’s breathing suddenly grew heavier, his Adam’s apple bobbing as if suppressing some inexplicable excitement.

He said leisurely, “Then let me tell you this: no matter how many times you run away, I will always catch you and bring you back. A lifetime is very long—I don’t mind engaging in this chase with you countless times.Hearing his low voice that seemed to crawl out from an ice cellar, Si Jin felt her scalp nearly explode.

She took a ragged breath, her chest heaving, and in the next moment, Xiao Rong suddenly reached out and grasped her neck.

It wasn’t the force of rage trying to strangle her, but the icy, sticky sensation against her skin made every hair on her body stand on end.

His large hand gripping her neck soon loosened, as if to fulfill his words—releasing her at this moment, letting her continue to run and escape.

Then, he abruptly tightened his grip, his entire palm pressing tightly against her skin without any gap.

“Until you no longer want to escape, until you can run no more—then we’ll be together forever.”

“In your dreams!” Si Jin screamed in furious denial.

Her eyes blazed with fury as she glared at him. Were it not for the certainty that slapping him would only make the corners of his lips curl higher, her hands beneath her sleeves would have done more than just clench into fists.

“Or you could strangle me right now! Get my corpse and achieve your goal directly!”

Xiao Rong’s smile instantly froze. A dark turbulence churned in his eyes before he withdrew his hand.

The crisis had passed. The suffocating vines that had entangled her seemed to temporarily retreat to their damp, shadowy corners.

Yet gaining the upper hand brought Si Jin no joy.

Though no real pressure had been applied to her neck, she still couldn’t control a gasping breath the moment she was released.

Xiao Rong looked down at the hand he’d just withdrawn from her throat, his fingertips rubbing together as if savoring the lingering sensation.

His voice was hoarse: “I can take you to the birthday banquet. Can you promise me you won’t meet with Shen Chi?”

Si Jin froze. The genuine sense of victory that had eluded her during their earlier struggle now gradually surfaced.

Had she actually persuaded him?

“I don’t want you to see him.”

“It displeases me when you meet with him.”

As if all his unreasonable behavior stemmed merely from jealousy.

Si Jin parted her lips, answering without thinking: “Fine, I won’t meet him.”

The moment she spoke, Xiao Rong let out a soft laugh.

He raised his eyes to meet hers, as if trying to discern the truth behind her words.

Yet after just one glance, he said coldly: “I don’t believe you.”

“You’re lying to me. Once at the banquet, you’ll find every possible way to meet Shen Chi.”

Si Jin’s breath caught. Her half-formed plans, not yet fully considered, were mercilessly exposed by Xiao Rong—who even thoughtfully completed them for her.

Yes.

Of course she needed to see him.

Shen Chi might be the only person who could help her escape Xiao Rong now.

“Therefore, since I’m taking you to the banquet, I can only ensure Shen Chi doesn’t attend.”

Si Jin’s pupils trembled in shock, feeling Xiao Rong was utterly unreasonable.

“What are you going to do to him!”

Xiao Rong’s eyes always seemed to carry invisible chains, locking her firmly within his gaze with a single look.

His eyes shifted between icy coldness, detached indifference, and damp stickiness.

But now, they held a sinister rage—just being stared at made it hard to breathe.

Yet his lips moved slowly, his tone eerily calm: “You’re raging at me like this… for Shen Chi.”

“It seems you care about him deeply.”

Si Jin’s lips quivered. She wanted to speak but couldn’t endure the oppressive atmosphere.

So suffocating. So stifling.

Like being held underwater in complete darkness—no bottom in sight, no end visible.

“Anyone can earn your care.” His voice grew softer, his tone more measured, yet each word was crystal clear. “Everyone except me. Never me.”

He watched her eyes—with that penetrating gaze that had so often discerned her thoughts—needing no answer to confirm the truth.

Yet he insisted on asking: “Am I right?”

Si Jin had no idea what he was thinking.

Gritting her teeth, she answered: “Yes.”

Xiao Rong’s eyes darkened further, the white specks in his pupils like snow submerged in winter nights—vanishing completely after a fleeting moment, leaving only an bone-chilling coldness that refused to dissipate in the endless darkness.

Si Jin, however, had no attention to spare for any of his expressions.

Emotions surged within her, and she yearned to unleash all the pent-up frustrations from the depths of her heart.

“You only know how to force me, deceive me, and now you even use Shen Chi to threaten me, completely disregarding my wishes. Everything you do is to satisfy your own selfish desires. Why should I care about you? Why must I stay by your side? Just because you want it, does that mean I can’t not want it?!”

“Your persistence, your control—they only make me disgusted!”

It was only then that Si Jin noticed Xiao Rong’s red-rimmed eyes, yet his eye sockets were unnaturally dry.

He tugged at the corner of his lips, his face as unreadable as an ancient well, but his icy gaze seemed intent on boring a hole through her.

“Is that so? Disgust is fine too.”

“After all, you don’t like me no matter what.”

Suppressing the flicker of retreat that nearly surfaced in her heart, Si Jin stiffened her neck and stubbornly pressed on, “Who would enjoy being controlled and restrained?! Why don’t you try being tied up and locked away by me instead!”

Unexpectedly, Xiao Rong suddenly curved his lips into a smile, and even the expression in his eyes shifted.

A twisted, gloomy yet seemingly genuine laughter crept into the corners of his eyes, stark against the crimson hue.

He said, “Alright.”

“Then you must stay by my side at all times, and never give me a chance to escape.”

“You…”

Si Jin’s fists clenched and unclenched.

Finally, she could bear it no longer and struck out at Xiao Rong.

A sharp crack echoed—

Xiao Rong turned his head aside, raising a hand to cover the spot she had struck, his eyelashes trembling faintly.

Si Jin snapped back to reality, belatedly overcome with panic, her expression frozen and unresponsive.

It wasn’t until Xiao Rong slowly turned his head back and lifted his gaze to meet hers that she tensed, about to retreat another step, only for him to seize her wrist abruptly.

His fingers, soft and cold like boneless snakes, slid down to the back of her hand, his voice so low it seemed shattered by her slap.

“Then tell me, what else am I supposed to do?”

“You despise the true thoughts I struggle to hide, yet no matter what I do, you always uncover them. You want to flee from my side—if I slacken even for a moment, you’ll vanish from my sight in the blink of an eye.”

“I worry, I stay vigilant, constantly wondering: should I stop hiding altogether, tear open my heart and show you, force it into your hands whether you’re willing or not? Or should I bury it even deeper, in a place so dark you’ll never find it, where it will never see the light of day, forever cowering in the shadows?”

“I’ve tried everything—pretending to be open and honest, upright and noble, restraining my greed, striving to be a gentleman without ulterior motives. I climbed to high positions, wielded great power, I tried hard to appear normal, even superior to others. Yet what I gained was less than when I once curled up in deserted corners, always waiting for you to come running to me, holding up the hem of your skirt.”

“Because it was all fake.” Xiao Rong’s eyes seemed steeped in black ink, so heavy that not a glimmer of light remained.

“I can’t control myself. No matter how much I pretend, I can never truly conceal the dark thoughts of wanting to possess you every moment. I can’t bear the fact that you don’t belong to me—not now, not the next moment, not any moment.”

Xiao Rong kept speaking, yet his voice remained completely flat. He uttered his obsessive words with unnerving calm, as if describing the most ordinary daily experience.

Si Jin felt her heart tighten as she listened, her mind flashing back to all the unusual signs she had indeed noticed before.

These thoughts seemed to have long been embedded in his flesh, only now crawling out from beneath the skin to surface completely, leaving no detail hidden from her view.

Si Jin’s temple throbbed several times before she finally blurted out: “Am I some object to be bought and sold? Just because you paid a price, I must belong to you?”

Xiao Rong lowered his gaze: “I could be that object too, but you’re unwilling to buy me.”

“I’m willing to belong to you without any price.”

Si Jin: “…”

His voice grew even softer: “I’m not even as good as that bird.”

“You hit me when I asked you for a cage.”

Si Jin: “…”

She wearily raised her hand to rub her temple, her mind in complete disarray, feeling it was impossible to continue this conversation with him.

Yet the oppressive feeling of being cornered by Xiao Rong earlier had now inexplicably transformed into another indescribable sensation.

It wasn’t suffocating, just stifling enough to make her dizzy.

Si Jin turned to leave, determined not to exchange another word with Xiao Rong.

But the moment her footsteps sounded, footsteps followed closely behind.

Si Jin’s expression darkened as she tried to ignore the persistent footsteps following her.

But with him so close—just a step behind—how could she possibly ignore it?

When Si Jin returned to her room and entered, she heard the person behind her close the door.

With an air of natural entitlement, as if his next step would be to join her on the bed.

Si Jin paused mid-step and suddenly turned around.

Xiao Rong had just finished closing the door. When he lifted his gaze, he quietly met her stare.

Si Jin parted her lips, feeling absurd even before speaking.

Yet the words still escaped her lips: “Didn’t you say I could lock you up too?”

This was completely unlike anything she would normally do, still beyond her comprehension, which made her voice sound stiff and strange.

She reached for the unlocked copper lock on the nearby cabinet and stiffly pointed toward the screen door not far away.

“Tonight, you sleep there.”

After silence and darkness enveloped the room, Si Jin lay on the bed and closed her eyes.

She didn’t know how much time had passed—perhaps until dawn was approaching, or maybe only a moment.

Suddenly, Si Jin sat up from the bed, her face filled with agony and fury.

She must have gone mad.

Xiao Rong was insane, and she had indulged him by joining in his madness.

What did he take this for?

Locking someone in a narrow room and fastening a copper lock from outside.

Was this something normal people would do!

Not to mention how Xiao Rong had shown no objection—even walking briskly toward the screen door while answering “Okay” after she spoke those words.

And she had actually fastened the copper lock after he entered.

Now everything was silent on the other side, as if no one was there.

But in reality, someone was inside—unable to come out unless she unlocked the door.

Si Jin’s expression shifted peculiarly for a long while before she finally took a deep breath. With extremely light and slow movements, she got off the bed and walked toward the screen door.

She was certain that if her door remained blatantly locked like this tonight, she would lie awake all night, unable to close her eyes. But if it were Xiao Rong…

He’d probably sleep even more soundly than usual.

As she walked forward, she pondered irritably.

How exactly had she managed to provoke someone like Xiao Rong in the first place?

Those memories he wanted to completely imprint in her mind, those past events he claimed were better than the present even in their darkest corners—whatever they were, she felt certain her intentions at the time and Xiao Rong’s understanding of her were completely different.

Si Jin stopped before the screen door, lowering her gaze to stare at the bronze lock hanging there.

For a moment, numerous emotions surged in her heart, only to instantly dissipate when the lock mechanism made a faint sound.

Swiftly unlocking it, she held her breath in the continuing silence, turned with the lock in hand, and walked away.

After returning to her bed, Si Jin finally felt somewhat relieved.

Indeed, not everyone could be as deranged as Xiao Rong.

The day’s exhaustion and prolonged tension, now eased, quickly brought on fatigue.

Closing her eyes, she intended to sort through her thoughts, but within moments, her consciousness drifted into deep slumber.

The next morning.

Upon waking, Si Jin glimpsed a strand of black hair in her vision.

Without much thought, she unconsciously shifted her body, turning her head away until the strand completely disappeared from view.

“Xiao Jin, turn back.” A deep voice immediately sounded beside her.

Her neck stiffened as she jolted fully awake.

Turning back with wide eyes, she saw both the previously ignored strand of hair and Xiao Rong’s entire face reflected in her gaze.

She nearly screamed.

Just as her lips parted, a solid arm draped over her waist, then encircled and tightened until the person beside her pressed completely against her.

Xiao Rong spoke first to explain: “I only came to bed at daybreak. I was in that small room all last night.”

Was that the point?

“Let go!” Si Jin snapped back to her senses and scolded him.

Xiao Rong’s arm began to move as if complying, but his movements were so slow that after a long while, it remained tightly wrapped around her waist—not to mention his entire body showed no intention of moving.

“You unlocked it for me last night. I know.”

He lowered his head to gently nuzzle her hair with his nose, his voice slightly hoarse, making his claim of only coming to bed at daybreak even less believable.

Si Jin’s morning peace was instantly shattered by Xiao Rong.

Frowning irritably, she pried his arm away, unwilling to explain why she hadn’t actually kept him locked in that room all night. Without a word, she got up and prepared to leave the bed.

Xiao Rong remained where she left him for a while without making any further advances.

Only when Si Jin actually moved away from him did he gradually begin to move, sitting up and throwing off the covers to follow her off the bed that would soon lose her warmth.

Si Jin could naturally sense Xiao Rong hauntingly following behind her again.

In this confined space, within this very room—even when she had no intention of passing the screen to head for the door.

What exactly did he intend to do by following her?

When Si Jin halted her steps, the movement behind her ceased as well.

She restrained herself from turning around to engage in a pointless argument with Xiao Rong while hesitating over whether to call for a servant to attend to her indoors.

After a moment of indecision, Si Jin ultimately turned back.

She had expected to catch Xiao Rong staring intently at the back of her head.

But unexpectedly, the person behind her was instead hanging his head low, not looking at her at all.

Xiao Rong’s gaze was fixed on the ground, appearing somewhat desolate.

Perhaps sensing her gaze, his eyelashes trembled slightly.

“I thought about it all night, but I couldn’t reach a conclusion.”

His eyelashes were long and thick, trembling like a row of soft brushes sweeping across his pale skin, casting a faint shadow.

“So I made a decision this morning. Could you please not be angry with me because of this?”

Si Jin stared wide-eyed in astonishment at his words, her mind momentarily unable to process it.

She hadn’t even had time to ask, “What decision?”

Xiao Rong continued speaking immediately, as if to demonstrate that this time it truly wasn’t a threat.

“I sent someone to the Shen residence. Shen Chi is already on his way here.”

“Wh-what?!”