Chapter 38: Groping for Ways to Love Her…

West Street was broad and bright.

Si Jin lifted the carriage curtain, leaning out to scan her surroundings.

After a few glances, she withdrew her gaze, only to lean out again moments later.

After repeating this several times, the carriage came to a halt before Wangyue Inn.

After alighting, Si Jin still turned to look back.

The air was tinged with the chill of late winter, yet it did nothing to dampen the lively atmosphere of the street.

Carriages and pedestrians bustled about, street vendors hawked their wares, and children played in small groups.

Si Jin finally withdrew her gaze and gestured to Lan Xin, who immediately entered Wangyue Inn to make arrangements.

Qiu Ya said, “Madam, the master sent people two days ago to make preparations. The private room is ready.”

“Mm, let’s go.”

Just as Xiao Rong had previously informed her, Shen Xuzhi arrived in the capital three days later.

Si Jin had arranged to meet her here today.

The tavern, private room, meals, even the carriage she used this morning—all had been prepared in advance by Xiao Rong.

Extremely thoughtful, thoroughly considerate, without a single flaw to be found.

But coming from Xiao Rong, how could this not seem strange?

Throughout the journey, Si Jin kept looking back, yet she detected no trace of Xiao Rong’s presence or anything else unusual.

A maid pushed open the door to the private room.

The interior was spacious, tidy, elegant, and quiet—an ideal place for leisurely conversation.

Shen Xuzhi had not yet arrived. Si Jin entered the room and sat down to wait.

Naturally, she felt both anticipation and nervousness.

She had no memory of Shen Xuzhi, yet during this period she had repeatedly heard others speak of their shared past.

Those memories not retained in her mind were faintly stirred by others’ words—no images came to mind, yet there was a vague sense of familiarity.

During what was actually not too long a wait, Si Jin’s emotions fluctuated back and forth several times.

Until finally, sounds came from beyond the door.

Si Jin instinctively stood and turned, her gaze fixed intently on the doorway.

The door seemed to have been pushed open abruptly from outside, emitting a sudden noise.

Mixed with the unfinished words of several maids at the door.

“Shen…”

“Wait…”

“Xiao Jin!”

Si Jin’s eyes trembled, her lips parting slightly as she unconsciously moved toward the newcomer.

In a blur of motion, she found herself enveloped in a tight embrace.

“Finally, I get to see you!”

“Mmph… Xu, Xu Zhi, I can’t breathe…”

Shen Xuzhi released Si Jin, gripping her arms as she looked her up and down repeatedly.

Indeed, the news she had received during this period had been too shocking—her worries and suspicions had led her to believe the situation was extremely grave.

But soon, her breath hitched slightly as she blinked.

Si Jin’s bright eyes sparkled, her complexion rosy. Having deliberately dressed up to meet her friend today, her originally exquisite and beautiful face was lightly made up, presenting a lovely appearance that showed no signs of the so-called serious condition.

Shen Xuzhi: “…”

After a moment of stunned silence, she let out a heavy sigh.

Si Jin had also been studying Shen Xuzhi all this while.

Unlike Shen Xuzhi’s nervous urgency, the face before her was unfamiliar, yet carried an uncertain familiarity—as if she had seen it somewhere before, but couldn’t recall no matter how hard she tried.

She stared at her, desperately searching her mind for images.

Suddenly, a throbbing pain spread through her head.

“Xiao Jin, Xiao Jin.”

Shen Xuzhi’s voice snapped her back to attention.

“Sit down first. Did you remember something just now?”

“It seems…” Si Jin slightly furrowed her brow, then finally shook her head. “I couldn’t recall anything.”

The atmosphere grew heavy for a moment, as if the two who should have been intimately familiar were now trapped in awkward unfamiliarity due to Si Jin’s memory loss—a heartbreaking realization.

But the next moment, Shen Xuzhi suddenly covered her mouth and let out a soft “pfft” of laughter.

Si Jin: “What are you laughing at?”

“At how even with amnesia, you’re still the same as before—whatever’s on your mind is written all over your face.”

Shen Xuzhi mimicked Si Jin’s earlier expression: “One moment thinking ‘What should I do? I can’t remember anything,’ the next worrying ‘Am I being too stiff and distant? Xu Zhi came all this way to see me, but I don’t even recognize her. Will she be angry with me?’ And also…”

“Alright, alright, stop talking!” Si Jin interrupted urgently, her cheeks slightly flushed.

Her reaction perfectly confirmed Shen Xuzhi’s speculation—every thought had been accurately guessed.

The atmosphere relaxed again amidst their playful banter.

It felt less like a tense reunion under dire circumstances and more like an ordinary meeting between old friends.

Shen Xuzhi rested her chin in her hand, tilting her head to look at Si Jin: “So my second brother wasn’t exaggerating either? Xiao Chongyun really brought you back like that?”

Si Jin lowered her gaze and nodded gently: “He said we’ve known each other since childhood, developed secret feelings in our youth, and naturally became husband and wife later. After marriage, we were deeply in love. The reason I left the capital was because we had a big argument after a conflict.”

Shen Xuzhi remained silent for a long moment before saying: “Well… that version actually sounds quite reasonable.”

Si Jin stared in surprise: “Huh? So it’s true?”

“Yes… and no.” Shen Xuzhi explained, “You did grow up together. Xiao Chongyun did harbor secret feelings for you since youth. He did scheme to marry you eventually. You two did maintain an appearance of marital bliss publicly. And you did leave the capital because… you had an argument with him.”

Si Jin listened blankly as Shen Xuzhi repeated her account almost verbatim.

Even Shen Xuzhi herself paused briefly after speaking, but quickly collected herself.

She shook her head urgently: “No no no, that’s not how it was! That Xiao Chongyun! That was entirely his own delusion. He was the one who developed feelings—you never liked him at all. His ‘method’ was begging the Emperor for an imperial marriage decree, then telling you that refusing would constitute defying the Emperor’s order, leading to impeachment and execution. The only way to avoid disaster was to pretend to be a loving couple. You only discovered the truth later, which sparked the argument, and you fled the capital to escape him.”

So that was how it happened.

These were events from before Si Jin’s memory loss, separate from her previous conflict with Xiao Rong.

Xiao Rong hadn’t mentioned it, and she hadn’t inquired deeply.

Now she finally learned the full story from Shen Xuzhi’s account.

Shen Xuzhi: “Xiao Jin, why do you seem completely unsurprised?”

She had been wide-eyed earlier, but after hearing the full story, she appeared calmer instead.

“I…” Si Jin parted her lips, wanting to express her current feelings, but found herself momentarily at a loss for words.

She was indeed calmer than she had originally anticipated.

The experiences she later went through personally brought about changes in the emotions within her heart.

All of this seemed completely different now.

Lost memories might one day return, but genuine emotions that have arisen would not simply vanish into thin air.

After a long while, Si Jin heard Shen Xuzhi ask her: “Xiao Jin, do you still want to leave now?”

Afternoon, Eastern Palace.

Zhao Yan fiddled with the teacup on the table: “Things are progressing much more smoothly than I imagined. It won’t be long before this matter can finally be concluded.”

“Your Highness, after this matter is resolved, I need to leave for some time.”

Zhao Yan frowned upon hearing this: “What are you planning to do now?”

Xiao Rong remained expressionless and didn’t respond.

His gaze was fixed outside the window, as if while his body remained here, his thoughts and heart had already drifted away.

Zhao Yan couldn’t decipher what he was thinking and couldn’t help feeling somewhat anxious: “I’ve advised you before – saving her was originally a good deed, but you insisted on deceiving her to stay by your side. Once the truth is exposed, you might never gain her forgiveness. Now that we can resolve this matter, perhaps we can still make some amends. Don’t create additional complications.”

Xiao Rong finally responded, but said: “Once exposed, how could true forgiveness ever be obtained?”

“What do you mean by that? Does she already know?”

Xiao Rong remained silent, his expression obscure and unclear, leaving others uncertain what he was thinking again.

He lowered his head, the shadows in the dim light concealing the expression on his face.

But his expression was actually quite faint, his gaze calmly fixed on the shadows cast on the ground, as he probed with his tongue to lick lips that no longer retained her warmth.

He had stolen a kiss from her lips this morning, and this time she probably hadn’t noticed.

So he couldn’t control himself from slipping his tongue inside too.

She had unconsciously moaned and responded to him in her sleep.

In that moment, it felt as if all the blood in his body had boiled, barely restraining the urge to lock her in the room and prevent her from going out to meet anyone today.

But in the end, he did nothing, leaving the residence before she woke up.

She was probably meeting with Shen Xuzhi by now.

Were they talking about the past? Would they discuss leaving him?

How would Si Jin respond? Would there be even the slightest hesitation in her heart?

Xiao Rong suddenly regretted the order he had given this morning.

Suppressing his inherent desire for control, he had instructed no one to watch her, no one to follow her, and even her two personal maids were ordered not to eavesdrop on their conversation.

Zhao Yan looked utterly exasperated: “Given the previous circumstances, it was indeed safer for her to stay by your side, which is why I turned a blind eye. But what are you trying to do now? This is no way to court a young lady. If you’re going to torment people like this, how am I supposed to explain this to Si Qing who has gone all the way to Xiqiu!”

“I don’t intend to do anything.” Xiao Rong’s eyelashes fluttered slightly, his voice gradually deepening. “Nor do I intend to torment her.”

Was that torment? Perhaps it could be considered so.

He was merely learning how to court someone.

Wrong ways, right ways.

On this continuous path of approaching her, he was groping his way to discover how to love her.

He didn’t know how many more chances for correction he had left, or whether he had never been given any opportunity from the very beginning.

But he couldn’t stop, nor would he.

“Anyway, after this matter is concluded, I need to leave for some time.”

Zhao Yan helplessly raised his hand to rub his temples, words of advice still lingering on the tip of his tongue.

A sudden knock sounded at the door.

Xiao Rong’s attendant hurried into the hall with a grave expression, too rushed to observe proper etiquette, and hastily reported, “Sir, the men who accompanied Madam to Wangyue Inn today have reported that Madam… has gone missing.”

The dense bushes rustled faintly as Si Jin trembled.

Si Jin held her breath abruptly, her body stiffening.

“You few, search over there.”

“You, come with me this way.”

Voices from not far away drifted in and out of clarity.

Footsteps continuously sounded around her.

Si Jin forced herself to calm down, contemplating her chances of escape if her hiding spot were discovered.

The footsteps grew more numerous and chaotic.

There were more pursuers than she had initially thought, and the possibility of escape dwindled to nearly nothing.

“That area hasn’t been searched yet. You few, go check it out.”

Si Jin’s pupils contracted sharply as she clearly heard several sets of footsteps approaching her hiding place.

Clutching the hairpin in her palm, she pressed so hard her fingertips turned white.

The moment a pair of black boots came into view, she sprang up and thrust the hairpin toward the approaching figure with all her strength.

“Ah—”

A scream erupted, instantly causing chaos to break out in the woods.

Not daring to look back, Si Jin gritted her teeth and desperately ran forward.

Suddenly, the sound of hoofbeats mixed with the footsteps reached her ears.

Her heart turned cold, and despair washed over her.

In her panic, she stumbled over a protruding rock and fell heavily to the ground.

The dull thud of her fall was drowned out by the sharp clang of weapons clashing.

Wincing in pain, Si Jin lifted her head and, through the disordered undergrowth, saw a group of riders on horseback surrounding the scattered pursuers who had been chasing her through the forest.

A black horse charged straight toward where she had fallen.

Her vision blurred, Si Jin faintly saw Xiao Rong dismount and stride hurriedly toward her.

Before she could speak, a shadow fell over her as Xiao Rong’s cool, firm form enveloped her tightly.

The familiar scent made her tense heart finally relax. The composure she had forced upon herself unraveled, and her eyes welled up with the ache of fright.

With a soft clink, the hairpin she had been clutching tightly in her palm fell to the ground.

The tall man in front of her trembled slightly.

“Are you hurt?”

Si Jin parted her lips but found her throat too dry from tension to speak.

She could only shake her head against Xiao Rong’s chest, then felt the heartbeat in her ear grow even more erratic, drowning out all other sounds.

Xiao Rong bent his arm and lifted her horizontally into his embrace.

Instinctively, Si Jin wrapped her arms around his neck and nestled obediently against him.

Xiao Rong, however, stiffened noticeably. His expression darkened, his gaze inscrutable, and he stood rooted for a long moment before finally stepping toward his horse.

Mounted, Si Jin remained curled in Xiao Rong’s embrace.

Terrified and exhausted, her body felt too weak to muster any strength—or perhaps the sense of safety made it unnecessary to stay tense.

Yet the more pliant she became, the more rigid the arm encircling her waist grew.

Lost in thought, Si Jin paid little attention along the way. It wasn’t until Xiao Rong brought her back to Xiao Fu on horseback and lifted her down that she realized he hadn’t spoken a word the entire journey.

Si Jin instinctively looked up and met Xiao Rong’s frighteningly dark, intense gaze.

But he only glanced down at her briefly before quickly averting his gaze, his lips pressed into a tight line as he carried her with long strides into the residence.

Si Jin’s heart skipped a beat, belatedly realizing something was amiss.

She attempted to shift slightly, and the arms holding her abruptly tightened, as if they had been poised all along to counter any resistance or struggle from her.

“Chongyun?” Si Jin’s voice was soft and unhurried, but it elicited no response from Xiao Rong. Instead, she felt his steps quicken.

Xiao Rong carried Si Jin all the way back to Qiu Shui Courtyard.

After entering the room, he set her down on the bed, then turned and headed toward the door.

Frowning slightly, Si Jin sat on the edge of the bed and tilted her head to watch his retreating figure. She saw him walk purposefully to the cabinet beside the door, pull open a drawer, and retrieve the brass lock that had been used before.

Si Jin froze, instinctively preparing to rise.

Then came a dull thud—the brass lock was tossed back into the drawer by Xiao Rong, as if in frustration or simply because he could no longer control his strength.

Xiao Rong shut the door, and the sound of his heavy, resolute footsteps echoed sharply in Si Jin’s heart.

The dim light in the room made the man walking against it appear even more somber.

Xiao Rong came to a halt beside the bed, his tall frame casting a shadow that enveloped Si Jin entirely, darkening and oppressing the already faint light.

Si Jin looked up at Xiao Rong, but he, unusually, avoided her gaze, not even letting his eyes rest on any part of her.

Si Jin remained silent, and Xiao Rong’s expression grew increasingly gloomy.

The atmosphere seemed to grow more tense by the moment.

Suddenly, Xiao Rong crouched down, his brows furrowed as he grasped Si Jin’s ankle.

Si Jin felt his grip was somewhat forceful—not enough to hurt her, but clearly meant to guard against any struggle.

Xiao Rong removed her embroidered shoes, then lifted her legs and placed them on the bed.

Si Jin watched quietly as he, his entire body taut, finished these actions and was about to turn away, presumably to do something else.

Suddenly, she reached out and seized the front of his robe, which was still close and hadn’t yet pulled away.

Si Jin’s grip wasn’t strong, but she leaned in at the same time.

Xiao Rong’s movements halted abruptly, her face suddenly magnified before his eyes, his breath warming with the heat radiating from her.

A dull thud sounded—

With a sudden exertion of force, Si Jin pulled Xiao Rong off-balance, causing him to stumble forward and kneel on the edge of the bed, his knee braced against it.

“Speak. What silent anger are you holding onto now?”