Chapter 48: Can’t He Avoid Going Mad?

How much had she remembered?

Everything except him. But Si Jin didn’t dare say this aloud.

It wasn’t fear of Xiao Rong that stopped her, but whenever she met his gaze, the words simply wouldn’t form.

Thus, though she had remembered for quite some time, she hadn’t breathed a word of it to Xiao Rong.

Yet memories that had already surfaced in her mind—unlike stories learned from others—would inevitably reveal themselves unconsciously, to some degree.

Si Jin didn’t know when Xiao Rong had noticed the anomaly.

Had he suspected earlier, or did he only realize the truth now because she had slipped up?

But regardless, Xiao Rong was far too perceptive; this matter clearly couldn’t be concealed any longer.

Si Jin’s face stiffened, and she remained silent.

Xiao Rong narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. Though he already knew the answer, he insisted on voicing it: “You’ve remembered the past—everything except what involves me, haven’t you?”

Hearing Xiao Rong’s cold, heavy tone, Si Jin couldn’t help but recall what he had said before.

“I don’t want to lose any part of my existence in your mind. More than anyone, I wish for you to remember, to reclaim my presence. I want to remain complete in your memories.”

Si Jin’s heart felt stifled, as if the intense conflict they had previously shared was descending upon her once more.

“Yes.” At this point, she had no choice but to admit it. “I don’t remember you. My memories of the past concerning you are blank.”

“Why?”

Si Jin felt even more suffocated.

Since realizing this fact, she had been constantly worried—worried about how Xiao Rong would react upon learning the truth, and worried about how it would affect their relationship.

But when the moment actually arrived and he questioned her, she only felt wronged.

“How should I know why?”

She stared fixedly at him, her emotions slipping out of control. “You should ask yourself what you did in the past that makes me instinctively unwilling to remember now.”

As soon as the words left her mouth, Si Jin regretted them.

Though true, they were harsh.

If she wanted to end her relationship with Xiao Rong, she could afford to be confrontational like this. But if not, such words would only tighten the already strained atmosphere.

Sure enough, Xiao Rong’s expression darkened ominously at her words.

His eyelashes flickered slightly, unable to conceal the chill gradually rising in his eyes.

Si Jin felt an intense pressure spreading from nearby, creeping up from her toes until it enveloped her completely.

“Instinctively…” Xiao Rong murmured under his breath.

He suddenly stood up.

Si Jin was startled, and again, instinct took over—she assumed a defensive posture.

Xiao Rong’s eyes were deeply wounded by her stance. He stared down at her from his height, his tall frame casting a heavy shadow like a confining cage.

Si Jin’s heart raced wildly, certain he was about to do something she would resist.

Her defensiveness heightened. Gripping the armrests of her chair tightly, she looked ready to flee if he took another step forward.

But the next moment, Xiao Rong pressed his lips together, turned expressionlessly, and strode out.

Si Jin was taken aback and instinctively called out, “Where are you going?”

Xiao Rong paused, his broad back still tense, but ultimately didn’t turn around.

“Songlan Courtyard.”

With that, he strode away again, quickly exiting the study and slamming the door shut with a bang.

Si Jin was dazed for a long moment before suddenly remembering something. She quickly rose and hurried toward the door.

Not to chase after Xiao Rong.

In a fluster, she pulled at the study door, prepared to be locked in, but it opened easily with one tug.

Stumbling slightly, she steadied herself and stared blankly outside.

A servant waiting nearby timidly pointed in a direction: “Madam, His Lordship… went that way…”

That was the direction of Songlan Courtyard.

It took Si Jin a long while to collect herself.

She lowered her gaze to the doorknob in her hand, then lifted her eyes to the empty courtyard.

The fact that she hadn’t been harshly treated made her feel a twinge of guilt and embarrassment.

Along with the embarrassment came confusion and bewilderment.

She closed the door with a soft click—a stark contrast to the loud slam when Xiao Rong had left earlier.

Frowning and pursing her lips, she trudged back to the desk in low spirits.

On the desk lay an unfinished letter. The last sentence read: “I will come with my husband to reunite with my parents and older brother.”

Seeing these words reignited her anger.

On one hand, she fumed that this couldn’t possibly be her fault—losing and recovering memories were beyond her control.

Moreover, as she had said, the fact that she alone couldn’t remember him surely indicated some issue on his part.

On the other hand, she was angry at his gloomy expression, as if he were about to have a huge argument with her, only to turn and leave without a word.

What did he mean by slamming the door like that?

Si Jin sat at the desk for a while. The room remained silent, and no further sounds came from outside.

She knew Xiao Rong’s thoughts tended toward extremes. Him staying alone in Songlan Courtyard likely meant he was brooding over some dark notions again.

Reason told her she shouldn’t let Xiao Rong indulge in wild speculations alone. If he continued down that path, he might do something unreasonable again.

Yet, when it came down to it, this wasn’t her fault. To prevent a rift between them, she had been carefully concealing the truth.

She felt both anger and grievance.

Could it be that from now on, she would have to coax him through every minor issue, constantly fearing he might lose his temper?

Couldn’t he just not lose his temper?!

What should have been an explosive confrontation was stifled by Xiao Rong’s cold treatment, leaving Si Jin’s thoughts swirling until she felt like the one overthinking.

Realizing this, she abruptly reined in her thoughts, took a deep breath, resumed her composure, picked up the brush, and continued writing the letter.

After all that had happened, her emotions were naturally no longer as calm as before.

Even so, she suppressed her feelings and finished the letter.

After putting the letter away, Si Jin left the study.

As soon as she opened the door, she noticed the servants waiting outside had been replaced.

Most faces were unfamiliar to her.

After scanning the group, she gradually recognized a few slightly familiar faces and realized these were usually the servants stationed at Songlan Courtyard.

Xiao Rong had gone to Songlan Courtyard, but its servants had all come here.

Si Jin couldn’t understand the meaning behind Xiao Rong’s actions. Pressing her lips together, she stifled the urge to ask questions and strode directly toward Qiu Shui Courtyard.

The two servants at the end exchanged glances, then quickly turned to look back.

“Wh-what should we do? Why didn’t any of you say anything just now?”

“Madam left directly without asking anything. How could we speak up…?”

“Then… who will go back and report to His Lordship?”

“You go.”

“No, I won’t go. You go.”

“I don’t dare go. You should go instead.”

Qiu Shui Courtyard appeared as tranquil as ever.

After Si Jin returned to her room, the little bird preening its feathers by the windowsill immediately fluttered its wings and flew toward her upon hearing the sound.

Si Jin raised her hand to catch it: “You’re still the best, never throwing tantrums with me.”

Xiao Bai didn’t understand, only happily nuzzling her fingertips.

After playing with Xiao Bai for a while, Si Jin let the little creature return to its cage.

The hour wasn’t too early now, and it would soon be time for the evening meal.

Si Jin leaned against the beauty couch reading. At first, she occasionally glanced toward the door, but soon the story in the book completely captured her attention.

She became immersed in it without further distraction, until Lan Xin entered the room and softly called out: “Madam, it’s time for the meal.”

Only then did Si Jin put away the book and look up, noticing Lan Xin wasn’t bowing her head but rather staring at her with eager eyes.

Si Jin paused mid-rise from the couch, her peripheral vision confirming no one else was in the room, and the courtyard seemed unchanged from when she had returned.

Meaning, Xiao Rong hadn’t come.

Resuming her movement as she rose from the beauty couch, Lan Xin’s gaze remained fixed on her, as if trying to speak through her eyes: “Ask me, ask me quickly.”

Si Jin asked: “Is the meal prepared?”

Lan Xin: “…Y-yes, it’s prepared.”

“Then serve it.”

When the evening meal was laid out, the dishes were abundant—clearly enough for two—yet only one set of bowls and chopsticks graced the table.

Several more attendants had gathered nearby now.

Lan Xin, Qiu Ya, and several other maids—all usually attended to her personally, though they typically took shifts and wouldn’t all appear here simultaneously.

Si Jin said nothing more, nor did she dismiss them, simply picking up her chopsticks and eating bite by bite.

The surrounding maids occasionally glanced up, not daring to stare directly at Si Jin, quickly lowering their heads again.

The atmosphere in the room felt strangely tense, yet Si Jin seemed completely unaffected.

The meal was halfway through.

Suddenly, a servant spoke up at the door: “Madam, the kitchen has prepared an extra dish today. This humble servant presents it to you.”

An extra dish?

How abrupt.

Without her instruction, the kitchen would never take such initiative.

Si Jin nodded slightly, allowing the servant to enter.

The attendant carrying the tray hurried into the room, as if afraid the mistress in a foul mood might change her mind and bar his entry.

But Si Jin showed no sign of displeasure whatsoever.

She even leaned forward curiously to peer at what the servant was carrying.

As the servant approached, Si Jin frowned slightly: “What is this?”

“It’s… it’s Peach Blossom Cake.”

Peach… Blossom Cake?

Si Jin observed the plate of pink-and-white pastries presented by the servant.

Five pieces, each a different shape—less like variety and more like the dough-kneader failing to control the fermentation size of each portion.

But they looked… rather endearing.

Si Jin extended her chopsticks and poked one of them.

The pastry yielded softly, leaving a small indentation.

She speared it with her chopsticks, making the nearby servant hold his breath in alarm.

Si Jin brought the Peach Blossom Cake to her mouth.

The taste was acceptable—not as refined as the kitchen chefs’ usual skill, but without any odd flavors.

After eating two pieces, Si Jin felt quite full.

She raised her hand, signaling the servants to clear the table, and rose to retreat to her bedchamber.

The attendant who had been waiting all along widened his eyes, mouth slightly agape, still unsure how to speak up before the retreating figure vanished behind the screen.

Qiu Ya stepped forward, patted the servant’s shoulder sympathetically, shook her head silently, and began clearing the dishes and utensils from the table.

In truth, Si Jin, who had quickly retreated behind the screen, was not as composed as she appeared in front of others.

She wasn’t foolish—she knew perfectly well that the plate of Peach Blossom Cake earlier couldn’t have been made by the kitchen cooks.

So, did Xiao Rong make it?

Instead of showing up to clarify their unfinished conversation from today, he was secretly making Peach Blossom Cake?

Si Jin wasn’t the least bit appeased by Xiao Rong’s petty gestures; on the contrary, she grew even more irritated.

From the moment she opened the study door and saw servants from Songlan Courtyard, to the maids crowding around her during her meal, and now this Peach Blossom Cake—every single thing was Xiao Rong’s attempt to make her take the initiative to ask about him or directly go to Songlan Courtyard.

He had turned and left so decisively back then, and now he was resorting to such tricks.

After stewing in frustration for a while, Si Jin simply decided to stop thinking about it.

She ordered the servants to prepare water for her bath.

By the time she finished bathing, there was still no sign of Xiao Rong in the room.

Was he planning to sneak back in the middle of the night?

Because of this, Si Jin remained somewhat alert before falling asleep. It wasn’t that she feared he would climb into her bed in the dark, but the sudden appearance of a shadow in pitch blackness—even if she knew it was him—would startle anyone caught off guard.

When she opened her eyes, it was already dawn.

Si Jin stared blankly at the familiar ceiling beams, then turned to look—the space beside her was empty.

“So he sent lotus seed soup in the morning and mushroom soup in the evening?” Shen Xuzhi widened her eyes in surprise. Seeing Si Jin nod with her chin propped in her hand, she couldn’t help but remark, “Does he only know how to make soups?”

Si Jin looked up. “Is that the point?”

Shen Xuzhi snapped out of her astonishment but couldn’t suppress her smile. “I just find it hard to imagine Xiao Chongyun cooking. Judging by his actions, his intention to curry favor is quite obvious.”

Si Jin shook her head again. “It’s not about currying favor. He wants me to take the initiative to seek him out.”

The way she said it made it sound as if they were living far apart.

In reality, they were in the same mansion, merely residing in two courtyards separated by a small path.

“True,” Shen Xuzhi conceded. “If he really wanted to curry favor, he should have come to you directly. After all, he was in the wrong about what happened before. It’s only natural that you don’t want to recall it.”

It wasn’t that Si Jin didn’t want to remember.

Ultimately, perhaps it was because those events felt unreal—like stories told by others rather than her own experiences—or perhaps it was because she had developed feelings for Xiao Rong during their later interactions. Thinking back now, she no longer blamed him for what happened.

But if her memories refused to resurface on their own, there was nothing she could do about it.

“I know what he’s thinking,” Si Jin said discontentedly. “He believes I’ve remembered everything from the past except him. He feels wronged, but I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong… At most, I might apologize for keeping this from him.”

“You mean Xiao Rong… feels wronged?”

Shen Xuzhi twitched the corner of her mouth. “That’s also hard for me to imagine.”

Was it really so hard to imagine?

Si Jin’s thoughts drifted, and she could easily picture Xiao Rong alone in the main room of Songlan Courtyard, doors and windows shut tight, sitting silently in the shadows with an unreadable expression.

Wasn’t that exactly what feeling wronged looked like?

It had already been two days since Si Jin left Xiao Fu and came to Shen Fu.

Including the first day of their cold war, today was originally supposed to be the day they departed for Xiqiu.

She had also thought that if she didn’t stubbornly hold onto her pride, but instead followed Xiao Rong’s subtle hints by asking him a question and giving him a way out, this matter might have passed just like that.

After all, Xiao Rong had always been easy to coax.

But this matter was a barrier between them. The part of her memories related to Xiao Rong that she had lost wouldn’t miraculously return just because they went from this stalemate to reconciliation.

Xiao Rong cared about this matter and couldn’t accept it.

She could apologize for keeping it from him, but she didn’t think losing her memories was her fault.

There was no way that after all the things he had done in the past that made her feel wronged and angry, she should now be the one to take the initiative to coax him.

What they needed was a proper talk, not to brush it aside.

“Anyway, I don’t think this is my fault, and I don’t want to take the initiative to find him.”

Shen Xuzhi asked: “Then what do you plan to do? Just remain in this stalemate with him?”

Si Jin blinked at Shen Xuzhi.

Shen Xuzhi quickly clarified: “Although I think it’s already a big improvement that Xiao Chongyun hasn’t done anything extreme this time, the original matter was his fault to begin with. You don’t need to lower your head to him. You can stay with me as long as you want. I support your thoughts.”

Si Jin laughed: “I thought when you said that earlier, you were trying to persuade me to take the initiative to find him.”

“I would never persuade you to do that.” Shen Xuzhi slightly raised her chin and snorted lightly. “Xiao Chongyun needs to understand that when you were still in Xiao Fu, he didn’t know to seize the opportunity. Now that you’ve come to my place, he shouldn’t expect me to speak well of him. It’s not like I’ve received any benefits from him.”

Si Jin teased: “If you did receive benefits from him, would you speak up for him then?”

“…Well, no, I still wouldn’t.”

As soon as Shen Xuzhi’s words fell, hurried footsteps suddenly came from outside the room.

“Miss, miss, something bad… no, it’s not exactly bad, miss!”

The person arriving was a maid from Shen Xuzhi’s courtyard.

The two women in the room were momentarily stunned.

Shen Xuzhi: “What’s all this rush about? What has you so flustered?”

“Miss, Lord Xiao from Xiao Fu sent a team of carriages and horses. They’re moving things into the residence without any explanation. Several groups have already come, and we can’t stop them no matter what.”

“What? What is he having people bring?”

“Jade ware, silk fabrics, famous wines, premium teas, calligraphy and paintings, antiques…”

Before the young maid could finish speaking.

Si Jin’s expression changed, and she suddenly grabbed Shen Xuzhi’s hand.

She had just said that even if she received benefits, she wouldn’t speak up for him.

Shen Xuzhi slowly turned to look at her, tentatively asking: “How about… we go to the front courtyard to take a look first?”