Chapter 50: “After All, We Have a Lifetime…”

At this moment, Si Jin seemed to sense Xiao Rong’s emotions.

Nervousness, fear, withdrawal.

Fear of being rejected by her, worry that he might lose control of his emotions.

Even the pressure of his fingers pressed against hers was fading, starkly contrasting with the imposing sternness on his face and contradicting his audacity to abduct her in broad daylight.

Si Jin’s fingertips twitched slightly, causing the fingers that seemed about to retreat to hastily entwine with hers again.

She lowered her gaze to look at their tightly clasped hands.

She hadn’t been particularly afraid of him for some time now, and the frustration she had suppressed for days surged within her. Deliberately provoking him, she said, “You were the one who turned and walked away that day. What do you mean by grabbing me now?”

Xiao Rong’s grip tightened. His tense emotions made him unable to bear even the slightest provocation: “So, if I retreat even a little, you’ll leave without looking back. But if I cling to you, you’ll struggle and resist, wanting to escape. No matter what I do, you’ll never truly be willing to stay by my side.”

Xiao Rong had remained silent for a long while before suddenly speaking, leaving Si Jin stunned by his words.

She had merely visited the Shen Mansion, with his full knowledge—it wasn’t hiding or escaping. How could he describe it as leaving without looking back?

“You… what nonsense have you been thinking about all by yourself these days?”

Si Jin thought she had already overthought things due to Xiao Rong’s unusual behavior.

She never used to dwell on such complicated and trivial matters.

Feeling somewhat embarrassed by her overthinking, she felt as if she were becoming capricious and peculiar, obsessing over matters that might or might not be significant.

But she never expected that her trivial worries were nothing compared to Xiao Rong’s.

“Is this nonsense? Then why is it all true, from the past until now, always like this?”

“You’ve forgotten, you don’t remember. You haven’t recalled me, nor have you remembered how it all began—how you asked if you could see me every time.”

Si Jin: “…Did I… say that?”

The question slipped out unconsciously, but Xiao Rong visibly flinched as if stung the moment the words left her lips.

Si Jin didn’t know from which old memory Xiao Rong had dug up those words.

Perhaps it was in some corner of a Banquet, or in some courtyard of a Mansion.

She might have truly said it, but no matter how she thought about it, it was likely just a careless remark from childhood.

The next moment, Xiao Rong suddenly leaned in, pressing closer.

A shadow flickered before her eyes. Having experienced such sudden assaults multiple times, her body froze while her mind instantly grasped what he intended to do.

Si Jin subconsciously pressed her lips together, but Xiao Rong stopped just short of her.

His fingers, which had been encircling her wrist, had also loosened completely at some point. He loomed over her but made no further contact.

As if to prove his earlier words—he had released her and retreated, and soon she would grow panicked and resistant before his eyes, then push him away and flee.

Si Jin’s gaze flickered briefly before settling on Xiao Rong’s shadowed, unreadable face.

They were very close, partly due to the cramped space inside the carriage and partly because he had deliberately moved in.

How was this any form of retreat

He should just lower his gaze and see for himself—there wasn’t the slightest gap for her to escape.

“I want to calm down.”

Xiao Rong spoke slowly.

Si Jin was about to say that he didn’t look like he wanted to calm down at all.

But Xiao Rong continued, “But I realized I couldn’t.”

At the moment his emotions spiraled out of control, he forced himself to suppress them.

Unlike before, when he would let the dark thoughts in his heart run wild, this time he didn’t grab her, cling to her, or do anything to try and confine her.

So he turned and left, heading to Songlan Courtyard to calm down, not wanting to frighten her again.

Xiao Rong hadn’t intended to claim credit for this—he didn’t even have time to.

The moment he turned away, he could barely restrain the restlessness in his heart, wanting to immediately turn back and encircle Si Jin.

In the past, suppressing his emotions to the extreme brought him a strange sense of pleasure, but now it felt like heavy shackles binding his body.

“If it’s because I’ve done too many wrong things in the past that made you unwilling to think of me, then I want to work hard to change.”

Xiao Rong raised his eyes, which were filled with intense emotion.

“But you didn’t even glance at my efforts to change. You turned and left, leaving the estate and not returning home for two full days.”

His long, thick eyelashes trembled slightly as he spoke, casting a shadow under his eyes.

It made him look like a child who had been abandoned and was utterly aggrieved.

Though he looked quite pitiful—an expression Si Jin rarely saw on Xiao Rong’s face—she couldn’t help but say, “But didn’t you also turn and leave, going to Songlan Courtyard and not returning to the room for an entire day?”

“I did return.”

Xiao Rong frowned, replying righteously, determined to completely dominate this argument.

Si Jin was taken aback, clearly seeing that Xiao Rong, with his lips pressed tightly, wasn’t going to elaborate further.

But she had already figured it out.

“You came back at night?”

“When? I didn’t notice, and I didn’t see you in the morning either. The servants also…”

Si Jin trailed off.

She had been asleep, of course she wouldn’t have noticed.

Xiao Rong had left again before dawn, so naturally, she wouldn’t have seen him in the morning.

As for the servants…

It was better not to mention them.

Si Jin fell silent for a moment. Though completely unconvinced by his twisted logic, her tone softened nonetheless: “But you didn’t face me either. That day, we never properly talked it out. Did you think keeping it bottled up would solve the problem on its own? Or do you plan to avoid me forever?”

“Not forever!”

Xiao Rong’s voice suddenly rose, his tone urgent.

After the sharp fall of his last word, it gradually softened again: “If you hadn’t come out of the Shen residence today, I was planning to directly tonight…”

His voice grew softer and softer until it was completely inaudible.

Si Jin’s brow twitched heavily.

What was he planning to do directly tonight?

Si Jin waited a moment, but seeing that Xiao Rong had no intention of continuing, she decided not to press further.

She sighed silently, watching Xiao Rong’s clenched fist, and reached out her hand toward him.

The moment her fingers touched the back of his hand, that clenched fist suddenly opened, fingers spreading like a lurking monster baring its claws as it pounced.

But in reality, it was just his hand tightly gripping hers in return.

Si Jin didn’t move or struggle, and the large hand enveloping hers gradually relaxed.

It seemed that, compared to her past self—always fearful, full of resistance, and desperate to escape—Xiao Rong was more like the startled bird, the one who could only claim she could never escape and that he would always find her.

Si Jin’s heart suddenly felt struck by something.

The sour and tender sensation instantly dissolved her conflicted and competitive mood.

She leaned slightly forward as if moving toward Xiao Rong’s embrace, but only closed the distance between them without fully resting against him.

“Then now, can we properly discuss that matter?”

Before her words fully faded, Xiao Rong suddenly pulled her into an embrace, as if his restraint had failed once again, ultimately holding her tightly against his chest.

But then he abruptly buried his face in the crook of her neck, his voice muffled as he said: “No.”

Si Jin froze, about to turn her head away.

But Xiao Rong’s large hand pressed against the back of her neck.

“You should comfort me first.”

Si Jin struggled briefly, quickly shaking off the hand at her neck.

She still turned to look at the dark head beside her. Unable to see his face, she reached up to force him to lift his head.

The moment she saw Xiao Rong’s dark eyes – already glistening with moisture after being pressed against her neck – she immediately wanted to push his head back down.

It was truly unsettling.

Si Jin restrained herself, only averting her gaze: “Why should I comfort you again?”

Though Xiao Rong hadn’t buried his face this time, his voice grew even more muffled: “My heart aches.”

Si Jin couldn’t help suspecting this was another of Xiao Rong’s tricks.

This wasn’t the first time – last time he’d similarly pretended to be pitiful, leading her astray until she didn’t know which way was up.

Si Jin frowned, steadying her resolve: “I can’t recover my memories, yet I have to worry about whether to tell you this truth, and fear you might be hurt by it. Clearly none of this is my fault, yet you still give me the cold shoulder. You turned and walked away in that atmosphere – do you think my heart doesn’t ache too?”

The moment she spoke, Si Jin regretted it.

She’d chosen the wrong way to counterattack. Xiao Rong would surely say that then he should comfort her.

The outcome would be the same, and this wasn’t what she wanted to say.

“I’m sorry…”

Si Jin’s thoughts stuttered, her pupils contracting slightly.

“I’m sorry, Xiao Jin.” Xiao Rong’s voice was tense, though his body relaxed.

Holding her, he buried his face against her neck again, as if only through skin-to-skin contact could he continue speaking.

“In the past, I made many mistakes.”

“I married you against your will, deceived you into acting as loving spouses, threatened you not to leave me, and drove you to live in fear wanting to escape.”

“I’m sorry.”

Xiao Rong apologized again, pausing for a long moment as if considering how else he could apologize.

Since their youth, his ways of apologizing had always been clumsy.

He didn’t know if his apologies had improved at all now, but he still wanted to express himself better, to earn more chances of forgiveness, and to truly follow through.

To do what he could.

Xiao Rong lowered his gaze, his voice deep and subdued: “I will change, I will learn. You can punish me, discipline me. Even if you truly can never… remember me, could you please not leave me?”

Si Jin’s thoughts suddenly stalled.

It felt as if something familiar had brushed through her mind.

Too fleeting to grasp.

But Xiao Rong’s apology had already moved her, her already tender heart completely melting into a puddle.

The adjustment they had undergone to come together hadn’t been easy, but since she’d already opened her heart to let him in, if they could develop in a positive direction, why deliberately drive him away?

She slowly moved her arms, gently returning his embrace around his waist.

“I never intended to leave anyway. I told you that.”

Si Jin spoke softly: “If you had said this earlier, perhaps I would have been willing to be with you even before I lost my memory.”

“Not a chance,” Xiao Rong said. “I used to say exactly that.”

Si Jin was taken aback: “Huh? Really? What did you say?”

She had actually just said it casually.

Could that fleeting thought that had crossed her mind moments ago be something that had actually happened in the past?

Xiao Rong answered very seriously, as if remembering it vividly: “I said, as long as you don’t divorce me, anything else is acceptable.”

“And then?”

“And then you ran away.”

Si Jin awkwardly twitched the corner of her mouth: “Oh, is that so…”

After a moment of embarrassment, she suddenly realized she was about to be led into Xiao Rong’s trap again – was he going to start accusing her once more?

But Xiao Rong instead tightened his arms, holding her securely before speaking: “Have you decided how to punish me?”

Si Jin hadn’t expected him to say this.

“I… why would I punish you? I’m not an executioner.”

“Is that so? Then are you going to forgive me directly?”

Si Jin narrowed her eyes slightly, lifting her head from Xiao Rong’s chest to look at him.

Was she being overly suspicious, or had Xiao Rong employed too many tricks on her before, making her feel like he was setting another trap?

Nothing could be that easy.

“Of course not.”

Si Jin put on a stern expression and said seriously: “Why must I be the one to think of how to punish you? Shouldn’t you be the one to think of how to make it up to me?”

Si Jin felt she made perfect sense.

Who knows if whatever punishment she eventually came up with would actually feel like punishment or reward to him.

After all, he was the one who said anything was acceptable except leaving him, and of course she wouldn’t use leaving as punishment either.

Upon hearing this, Xiao Rong showed no particular reaction, only nodding after a moment’s thought: “You’re right. That’s how it should be.”

“But I need to think carefully. Give me some time to consider how to make it up to you, alright?”

Seeing how obedient and sincere he appeared, Si Jin agreed: “Alright.”

Feeling gradually more relaxed, she casually asked: “So how long do you need to think?”

“Not too long.” Xiao Rong tilted his head, nuzzling against her hair as if to please her, then took a deep breath. “I’ll tell you once I’ve thought it through.”

Si Jin felt somewhat ticklish from his faint touch and agreed without much thought: “Okay.”

Xiao Rong caught a strand of hair that had brushed past his nose, holding it in his palm and rubbing it with his fingertips while speaking very softly: “After all, we have a lifetime.”

When Si Jin looked down and saw her hair entwined around his fingers, she suddenly realized.

Had she still been trapped after all?