Chapter 5

Li Yuan’an took three days to make her decision. During those three days, everything seemed no different from usual. She still prepared breakfast for Li Lehe as she always did, still saw her off in the morning, and still waited for her to come home at night. Only Zhou Wan noticed the dark circles beneath her eldest daughter’s eyes growing deeper, and the vacant look that sometimes settled over her face whenever her thoughts drifted elsewhere. On the morning of the fourth day, Li Yuan’an announced her decision at the breakfast table. “Dad, Mom, I’ve made up my mind. I’ll go abroad.” Li Caiwen’s chopsticks stopped in midair. Zhou Wan’s hand paused slightly as she poured the milk. “Really?” Li Caiwen set down his chopsticks and looked into his daughter’s eyes, searching for even the slightest trace of reluctance or unwillingness. “Mm.” Li Yuan’an nodded. “But I have one condition.” “Tell me.” “I won’t give up on Lele. Never.” Her voice was quiet, but every word landed like a nail driven into the table. “I’m going abroad not because I’ve come to my senses or because I’ve given up. I’m leaving because you think having me at home makes things difficult for you. If I go, it’ll make things easier for you. But my feelings won’t change.” Li Caiwen’s lips pressed into a thin line. Zhou Wan let out a soft sigh, the helplessness in it carrying a sense of Just as I thought. “All right,” Li Caiwen finally said. “Whatever you feel, we can’t control that. But as for you going abroad, it has to be done my way.” “Go ahead.” “You’re going to England. I’ve already started looking at schools. There are a few good ones. I’ll arrange a place for you to live, too, with a nanny, a driver, and a bodyguard. You’ll be alone in a foreign country, so your safety comes first.” Li Yuan’an heard the unspoken meaning behind her father’s words. A nanny, a driver, a bodyguard. They were there to take care of her, but they were also there to keep an eye on her. She didn’t call him out on it. “Fine.” “You’re not allowed to come back until you finish university. Not even during winter or summer break.” Li Caiwen’s voice hardened. “Your mother and I can go see you, but you cannot come back. And you absolutely cannot contact Lele.” Li Yuan’an’s fingers clenched tightly beneath the tablecloth. “Can’t contact her?” Her voice dropped. “No.” Li Caiwen’s tone was firm. “No phone calls, WeChat, or video calls. I’ll get you a British number, and I’ll take care of your number here. If you want to call home, you can only call me or your mother. You’re not allowed to have Lele’s number.” “What if Lele wants to contact me?” “I’ll tell her you went abroad to study and that you’re too busy with your coursework to keep in touch.” Li Caiwen said, “She’s still young. She’ll get over it after a while.” The words sounded as though he were speaking to Li Yuan’an, but also as though he were trying to convince himself. Li Yuan’an’s jaw tightened painfully. Zhou Wan watched her daughter’s clenched fist, her heart aching as though someone had seized it in their hand. She knew what this condition meant to Li Yuan’an. Not being allowed to contact Lele meant having the most precious thing in her life forcibly torn away from her. “Yuan’an,” Zhou Wan said softly, “your dad is doing this for your sake, too. If you keep contacting Lele now, won’t that only make her miss you more? Once she’s a little older, once she understands things better, then…” “When she understands things, will you let me contact her?” Li Yuan’an raised her head and looked at her mother. Zhou Wan opened her mouth, but no words came. Li Caiwen took over. “We’ll talk about it then. No one can say what the future holds.” Li Yuan’an heard the evasion in his words. We’ll talk about it then translated plainly to: We still won’t agree when the time comes. But she didn’t argue anymore. It wasn’t that Li Yuan’an had admitted defeat. She simply understood now that nothing she said would change anything. Li Yuan’an had no way to prove herself, nor did she have the standing to bargain with her parents. She was only seventeen, a high school student who couldn’t even support herself financially. What right did she have to say, I want to be with Lele? All she could do was wait. Wait until she grew up. Wait until she became stronger. Wait until she had enough to stand before her parents and tell them: I can give Lele the best life. I can protect her from every harm. “Okay.” Li Yuan’an said, “I agree.” Li Caiwen and Zhou Wan exchanged a glance, both seeing the surprise in each other’s eyes. Neither had expected Li Yuan’an to agree so readily. “You really agree?” Li Caiwen asked, just to make sure. “I do.” Li Yuan’an stood up. “But I have one more request.” “What is it?” “Give me one day. Let me say goodbye to Lele properly. Don’t tell her anything about what’s happening. Just… let me spend one whole day with her like we always do.” It wasn’t an unreasonable request. Zhou Wan’s eyes reddened, and she nodded. Li Caiwen was silent for a few seconds before nodding as well. That very afternoon, Li Caiwen began making arrangements for Li Yuan’an to go abroad. He had always been highly efficient. After a few phone calls, he contacted a friend who worked in overseas education consulting, then reached out to business partners in England to inquire about schools. In less than half a day, he had settled on a private girls’ school near London. It had excellent teaching standards, strict management, and was neither too close to nor too far from the city center. “I’m looking at houses, too. There’s a good apartment in Chelsea. The security system is fully equipped, and it’s about a twenty-minute drive from the school.” Li Caiwen spoke into the phone in his study. “Yes, she’ll need a nanny. Preferably someone Chinese who can cook Chinese food. The driver should be local and familiar with the roads. As for bodyguards… two. They can work shifts.” When Zhou Wan came in carrying tea, she happened to hear the words two bodyguards. “Old Li, is all this really necessary?” She set the teacups down and lowered her voice. “Yuan’an is going there to study, not to serve a prison sentence.” Li Caiwen hung up and rubbed his temples. “She’s going there to study, but I have to make sure she’s safe. And I have to make sure she doesn’t secretly come back. The bodyguards aren’t just there to protect her. They’re there to keep an eye on her, too.” Zhou Wan fell silent. She knew exactly what was behind her husband’s decision. He was afraid their daughter would run away. Afraid that she would agree to everything now, only to find herself thousands of miles away, where he couldn’t keep an eye on her, and fly straight back with nothing more than a plane ticket. “What about Lele?” Zhou Wan asked. “What are we going to tell her?” Li Caiwen leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, thinking for a long time. “Just tell her Yuan’an’s grades are good and she was accepted early by a school overseas. It’s a rare opportunity, so she has to leave immediately.” “Will Lele believe that?” “She’s still young. She doesn’t really understand what studying abroad means. She’ll believe whatever we tell her.” Li Caiwen opened his eyes. There was a trace of guilt in them, but it was quickly replaced by something harder. “It’s still better than telling her the truth.” Zhou Wan said nothing more. That evening, when Li Lehe came home from school, she was clutching a math test on which she had scored ninety-five points, practically bouncing with excitement as she announced that she was going to stick it on the refrigerator. The refrigerator door was already covered with her certificates and graded assignments. There was barely any of its original surface left visible. “Sis! Look! I got third in the whole class this time!” She ran over to Li Yuan’an, holding up the test paper, her eyes shining like stars. Li Yuan’an had been cutting fruit in the kitchen. At the sound of her voice, she stopped the knife and took the paper from her. “Ninety-five. That’s five points higher than last time.” The corners of her lips curved upward. “Not bad.” “Just ‘not bad’?” Li Lehe pouted. “I’m obviously amazing, okay?” “You are amazing.” Li Yuan’an corrected herself, reaching out to ruffle her hair. “Our Lele is the best.” Only then was Li Lehe satisfied. She snatched a strawberry and popped it into her mouth, her cheeks puffed out as she happily went to stick her test paper on the refrigerator. Standing in the kitchen doorway, Zhou Wan watched the sisters interact, her heart aching as though she had swallowed an entire lemon. She thought about how beautiful this scene would have been if she had never known about that diary. But now that she knew, watching them together only made her heart pound with unease. The way Li Yuan’an looked at Li Lehe, with that tenderness concealing something deeper, used to seem like nothing more than an older sister’s affection for her younger sister. Now, she could see it. There was far too much in that gaze that had no place between sisters. Yet she couldn’t bring herself to say, Yuan’an, don’t look at Lele like that. Because that look had already been carved into Li Yuan’an’s bones. It had become the only way she knew how to look at Li Lehe. After dinner, Li Yuan’an knocked on Li Lehe’s bedroom door. “Come in~” Li Lehe was sprawled on her bed, working on a craft project, with balls of yarn and beads in all sorts of colors scattered around her. Lately, she had become obsessed with making bracelets. She had already made several—red, green, yellow, each one more colorful and elaborate than the last. Li Yuan’an sat down beside the bed and picked up a half-finished bracelet. “What are you making?” “A bracelet!” Li Lehe snatched it back from her. “Don’t look. I haven’t finished it yet. It’s so ugly.” “It’s not ugly.” “It is.” Li Lehe muttered under her breath as she continued clumsily threading the beads. When she reached the third one, the thread slipped again. “Ugh!” She shoved the beads aside in frustration. “I’m not doing this anymore! It’s too hard!” Li Yuan’an gathered the scattered beads back toward her, picked up the thread, and lowered her head to begin threading them herself. Her fingers were far more nimble than Li Lehe’s, slipping each bead onto the thread quickly and neatly. Li Lehe lay beside her, watching with wide, blinking eyes. “Sis, you’re really good with your hands.” “Your hands aren’t clumsy. You just don’t have enough patience.” “I don’t have patience because I’m smart. Smart people don’t have patience.” Li Lehe declared, completely convinced by her own logic. Li Yuan’an was amused by her twisted reasoning. The corners of her lips curved into a smile, but she didn’t argue. The bracelet was finished. It wasn’t the flashy style Li Lehe had originally envisioned. Instead, it was a simple red cord with a tiny golden bead threaded into the middle. Simple, but beautiful. “Wow!” Li Lehe turned it over in her hands, admiring it from every angle. “Sis, you’re seriously amazing! This is a hundred times prettier than the one I made!” “It’s for you,” Li Yuan’an said. “Aren’t you just helping me make it? It was mine to begin with.” Li Yuan’an didn’t explain. What she had wanted to say was: I made this for you. Wear it, and it’ll be like I’m always by your side. But the words never left her lips. “Lele, do you have any plans tomorrow?” Li Yuan’an asked. “Nope! Why?” “I’ll take you out. Where do you want to go?” Li Lehe’s eyes lit up instantly. “Really? Anywhere I want?” “Anywhere.” “The amusement park! I want to go to the amusement park! Niannian went last time, but I couldn’t go with her. She said they just opened a new roller coaster, and it’s supposed to be super thrilling!” Li Lehe didn’t notice. All she knew was that her sis had agreed to ride the roller coaster with her, buy her cotton candy, and take pictures for her. She was completely immersed in anticipation of tomorrow, with no idea what this “tomorrow” would mean. At ten that night, Li Yuan’an got to her feet. “Go to bed early. We have to get up early tomorrow.” “Okay!” Li Lehe obediently crawled beneath the covers and pulled her stuffed bear into her arms. “Good night, sis!” “Good night.” Li Yuan’an walked to the door and turned off the light. The night-light came on, casting a dim, yellow glow across half of Li Lehe’s face. She stood in the doorway for a few seconds. Then she stepped out and quietly closed the door. Down the hallway, Zhou Wan was standing not far away, a cup of warm milk in her hands. When she saw her daughter emerge from Lele’s room, the tenderness on Zhou Wan’s face shifted into something almost painfully hollow. The change was so quick, it seemed almost instinctive. “Yuan’an,” Zhou Wan called, “your milk.” Li Yuan’an took the cup, drank a sip, and murmured her thanks before walking toward her own room. “Yuan’an.” Zhou Wan called after her again. Li Yuan’an stopped but didn’t turn around. Zhou Wan watched her daughter’s retreating figure for a moment. In the end, all she said was, “Tomorrow… have fun.” Li Yuan’an didn’t answer. She opened the door and went inside. The sound of the door closing was barely audible, almost as heavy as the sigh in Zhou Wan’s heart. The night deepened. Li Caiwen was still in his study, speaking on the phone and confirming the details of the apartment with the real estate agent in England. Zhou Wan lay in bed, tossing and turning, unable to sleep. The light in Li Yuan’an’s room remained on until two in the morning before finally going out. In the entire Li household, Li Lehe was the only one sleeping peacefully. She hugged her stuffed bear, a faint smile still lingering on her lips, unaware of what kind of sweet dream she was having. Perhaps there was an amusement park in it. Cotton candy. A roller coaster. Her sis. Just like every good dream she’d ever had before. Li Lehe didn’t know that this would be the last dream like it.