Chapter 14

Chapter 14: In Her Heart, There Had Long Since Been No Place for Him… “For the rest of our lives, I will never let you shed even half a tear because of me again. I swear to Heaven that I will never fail you—not in this life, nor in the next.” As he poured out all the love he had carried over the years and passionately made his promise for this life and the next, Xiao Heng’s heart burned with fervor. He could hardly restrain himself. As he murmured his words, he unconsciously drew closer to Xue Shaoyin. Yet the moment he moved even slightly nearer, Xue Shaoyin desperately dodged him. It was as if she had suddenly awakened from a long dream. As she retreated from him, her expression was one of utter shock and bewilderment. In her frantic retreat, the medicine bowl slipped from Xue Shaoyin’s hands. The remaining medicinal liquid splashed onto her skirt, and with a loud clatter, the porcelain bowl shattered beside the charcoal brazier. “Ayin…” Worried that Xue Shaoyin might have injured her hand, Xiao Heng hurriedly reached out to take it and examine it. But Xue Shaoyin fearfully hid her hand behind her back and retreated step by step. The shock in her eyes as she stared at him made her seem to be looking at a stranger—as if she had never known Xiao Heng at all. As Xiao Heng murmured his confession, Shaoyin felt as though she were trapped in a strange dream, listening to him say countless things that he could never possibly have said. Xiao Heng said that he loved her deeply, that he had liked her from the moment they first met. He said that he regretted it—that he regretted causing her so much pain and sorrow in the past—and that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to her. Xiao Heng said that he wanted to love her properly, and that he would never fail her, not only in this life, but in the next as well. How could this possibly… be something Xiao Heng could say? Overwhelmed by shock, Shaoyin was so stunned that she could neither speak nor move. Just as she began to wonder whether she was dreaming, she suddenly saw Xiao Heng seeming to want to draw closer to her, and she hurriedly came to her senses. This was not a dream. It was an utterly… utterly absurd reality. Xiao Heng assumed that Xue Shaoyin still did not dare believe him, and that was why she refused to respond and kept avoiding him. He once more swore to her with utter sincerity, “There is not a single false word in what I have said today. If I am lying, may Heaven strike me with lightning, and may I die a terrible death.” He seemed to wish he could tear open his heart and show it to Xue Shaoyin. Again and again, he spoke with earnest sincerity. “Ayin, believe me. You have to believe me.” Shaoyin did not believe him. In the past, she had merely indulged in wishful thinking, convincing herself that Xiao Heng secretly liked her. In reality, she had never felt the slightest affection from him. If there was love, it would inevitably find expression, just as it had between her and Helan. Yet in all those years when she had been hopelessly in love with Xiao Heng, all she had received from him was endless sorrow and tears. The strange things Xiao Heng had done when they encountered each other at Puan Temple could finally be explained by what he had said today. And yet, once they had an explanation, everything seemed to become even stranger. In Shaoyin’s eyes, what Xiao Heng had done and said today was simply… simply like a tale from another world. Xiao Heng wanted her to believe him. But whether she believed him or not, whether Xiao Heng had feelings for her or not—what difference could it make to her now? There had long since been no place for him in her heart. Shaoyin gradually calmed herself. She stopped retreating in panic and instead bent at the waist in a respectful bow before Xiao Heng. “Thank you for Your Majesty’s affection, but ever since I married Helan, my heart has belonged to him alone. Even though Helan has already passed away, that has not changed. I cannot return Your Majesty’s affection. Please forgive me.” Xiao Heng had heard similar words before, at Nuanxiang Studio. At the time, he had not believed them in the slightest. He had been certain that Xue Shaoyin was merely lying. Because Xue Shaoyin feared him and mistakenly thought that he hated her, he had believed she did not dare reveal her feelings to him and had no choice but to speak against her heart. But today, he had made himself clearer than he ever could have been. He had lowered his head before her, practically cutting open his heart for her to see. What could she possibly still not understand? And why would she need to… continue lying to him? Or perhaps Xue Shaoyin had never been lying at all. That thought struck Xiao Heng’s heart like a heavy hammer. In the excruciating pain, as if flesh and blood had been torn apart, the taste of blood seemed to surge straight to the crown of his head. His mind spun with a dull agony, and he could barely remain standing. Xiao Heng forced himself to calm down. He clasped his hands behind his back, tightened them into fists, and swallowed the blood welling in his mouth. Gritting his teeth, he said, “I don’t believe you.” “I don’t believe you have any feelings for that Muyan Helan.” Xiao Heng walked closer to Xue Shaoyin. Though his heart was in turmoil, twisted with pain, he forced his voice to remain gentle, as if patiently guiding her to see reason. “If you truly had feelings for him, why did you hurry back from Shuobei the moment he died? You were not even willing to remain in Shuobei for a few days to mourn him. What kind of love is that? Stop deceiving yourself and lying to me, all right?” Shaoyin sighed softly in her heart. She lifted her eyes to look at Xiao Heng and said, “If I told Your Majesty that not only did I leave Shuobei after Helan passed away, but that I also failed to see Helan one last time before he died and did not attend his funeral, would that make Your Majesty believe even more firmly that I had not the slightest affection for him?” “But Your Majesty, the truth is that I loved my husband, Muyan Helan. I loved him very, very much, and Helan loved me very much as well. It was precisely because we loved each other that Helan could not bear for me to watch him draw his last breath or see his body consumed by fire. He was afraid that I would grieve too deeply after his death. He wanted me to emerge from my sorrow as quickly as possible after he was gone, rather than sink into my pain and be unable to escape it for the rest of my life.” “In fact, when Helan was already seriously ill, he had begun urging me to return to my homeland as soon as possible. I refused and insisted on remaining by his side until the very end. After Helan passed away, of course I wanted to stay longer in the place where we had lived together for five years. But I also knew that Helan would not want me to remain sunk in grief like that, and I did not want Helan, in the underworld, to worry about me.” Shaoyin bowed deeply to Xiao Heng, who had already come to stand before her. “Your Majesty, there is not a single false word in what I have said today, either.” Before her, the young Son of Heaven of Daqi stood in silence for a long, long time. His body did not move at all, as if he were a lifeless stone carving or wooden statue, silently weathering and crumbling beneath the bitter winter wind. He appeared solid, yet seemed as though the slightest touch might send him crashing down like a pile of shattered stone. The bond between Shaoyin and Xiao Heng had ended completely five years ago, when he had personally erased her name in front of her. Whatever Xiao Heng thought now, and whether the words he had spoken today were true or false, none of it had anything to do with her, Xue Shaoyin, anymore. Shaoyin lowered her eyes and bowed to Xiao Heng once more. After offering several more words of thanks for the fact that he had gone into the water to save her earlier, she respectfully asked to take her leave. But just as Shaoyin was about to depart, Xiao Heng, who had stood rigidly motionless for so long, suddenly reached out and seized one of her arms. Shaoyin looked up in alarm. She saw that Xiao Heng’s eyes had somehow reddened. His gaze was fixed desperately upon her face, and the blood in his eyes seemed to have seeped between his lips and teeth. As if speaking each word through blood, he gritted out, “I don’t believe you.” Xiao Heng’s voice was completely hoarse. He gripped her arm tightly and pressed toward her, his voice rough, as though he were choking back bitter sobs. He sounded as if he were questioning her, yet also seeking confirmation—and pleading with her. “You said it yourself. You said you would always like me, that in this life, you would always, always like only me.” They were words she had once spoken—words she had said to Xiao Heng… so many, many times. Although Shaoyin regretted everything from her past that was connected to Xiao Heng, although she had long since let go of her feelings for him and wished to forget the past completely, things that had happened could neither be forgotten nor erased. They would always leave countless traces in the world. Shaoyin tried to pull herself free, but she could not break out of Xiao Heng’s hold. Thus, still trapped by him and unable to leave, she tilted her face up slightly and said, “Your Majesty, people change.” In that instant, it was as though invisible needles of ice had suddenly pierced Xiao Heng’s eyes. His gaze trembled violently, and his lips quivered as well. He seemed to want to say something, but his mouth shook too badly for any words to come out. Seeing that Xiao Heng still refused to let go, Shaoyin could only continue, “Your Majesty, the words I said when I was young and foolish were merely childish remarks. They cannot be taken seriously.” “…Childish remarks?” Xiao Heng finally spoke, but his voice was even hoarser than before. “Are you saying that everything you said to me in the past was nothing more than childish remarks?” Before Shaoyin could reply, Xiao Heng seized her other arm as well. He pulled her tightly into his arms. His gaze was pitch-black and unfathomable, yet some unusual light and heat burst from his pupils, like a self-immolating flame burning deep within his eyes. “Xue Shaoyin, don’t lie to me. And don’t lie to yourself.” “You’re just angry, aren’t you? Angry at the way I treated you in the past, angry that I didn’t take you away from Lizhou, angry that I didn’t come looking for you for five years. That’s why you’re saying these things to me, why you’re deliberately punishing me—isn’t that right?” “You can punish me. Punish me until your anger has completely faded. I understand why you’re so angry. The way I treated you before was truly unforgivable. You don’t know this, but I like you. I always have. It’s just that back then… back then, I couldn’t like you… I was too stubborn and too foolish…” “I was wrong. When someone does something wrong, they should be punished. That’s only right. Punish me, then. I’ll change. I will never treat you the way I did before. I’ll be good to you. I’ll do everything I can to be good to you. Tell me what you want me to do—tell me how you want me to act, and I’ll show you right now!” More frightening to Shaoyin than Xiao Heng’s frantic words was the abnormal fervor in his eyes. It was like the sudden light that appeared in the eyes of a dying person at the moment before death—a light filled with the utmost obsession and unwillingness, like a whirlpool tempered in flame that would drag anyone caught within it down into the deepest depths, where escape was impossible. “No, Your Majesty! I am not deliberately trying to anger you. I don’t want to, and I would never dare to punish you!” Shaoyin struggled desperately as she tried her utmost to explain, seeking to break free from Xiao Heng’s feverish and dangerous embrace. Yet Xiao Heng refused to release her, nor would he listen to a single word she said. He simply held her tightly against him and murmured into her ear, “I’ll show you. Let me show you…” Author’s Note: None