Chapter 25

Chapter 25: He Wants Love At this moment, Xiao Heng before her was perfectly calm. Compared with the Xiao Heng from the previous year—the one who would constantly pour out his feelings to her, try to make amends for the past, and pull her into his arms—he seemed like an entirely different person. He seemed like an entirely different person, yet in reality, he was still the same person. It was only that the Xiao Heng from the previous year had been as single-minded as a handful of wildly burning flames, while the Xiao Heng before her now appeared as still and deep as an abyss. In truth, however, his obsession had already sunk into his very bones, like an illness that had reached its terminal stage. “...Your Majesty...” Shaoyin truly did not know what to say. She had felt helpless and powerless toward the crazed Xiao Heng from the previous year, and she felt the same toward the Xiao Heng before her now, who appeared calm but remained incomparably obsessive at heart. The previous year, she had not been able to resolve anything. She had merely waited for Xiao Heng to recover his senses on his own. Could Xiao Heng... recover his senses on his own once again? “...Your Majesty...” Shaoyin carefully considered her words, doing her best to persuade Xiao Heng to come to his senses. “...The bond between you and me was severed long ago...” Xiao Heng did not directly respond to her words. Instead, he brought up Xiao Yu. “In the past, when you went out of your way to avoid Xiao Yu, did you ever imagine that one day you would admire flowers and drink tea with him, stroll through the streets and go sightseeing with him, chat and laugh happily together, and become so close?” “This shows that even though people may live long in this world, the bonds between them do not remain unchanged forever.” Seeing that Xiao Heng knew everything about her interactions with Xiao Yu, Shaoyin thought that the figure she had spotted in the crowd at West Market in the capital that day had actually been Xiao Heng himself. At that thought, her heart, already sunk deep into despair, seemed to plunge straight to the bottom. The Xiao Heng she had believed had recovered his senses... had never existed at all. And Xiao Heng continued to persuade her with single-minded obsession. “You and I are both still alive in this world. If that is so, how could our bond have been severed?” “The way I treated you in the past did not come from my true feelings. At that time, because of certain matters, I wanted to love you but could not. I was always suppressing my true feelings, always forcing myself to treat you with coldness and distance.” “The me of the past was unable to treat you normally or truly love you. I want you to see the real me, to see the real Xiao Heng, and then make your decision.” “I am not insisting that you accept me. I only hope that you can give me a chance, just as you gave Xiao Yu a chance.” Shaoyin remained silent as she looked at Xiao Heng’s calm expression and the deep obsession in his eyes. If she flatly refused him now, would she be unable to enter the palace to visit her Aunt from then on? Would she never again have the chance to care for her Aunt in this lifetime? Xiao Heng, however, took Xue Shaoyin’s silence for hesitation. To the Xiao Heng of today, even her hesitation was an excellent sign. At least Xue Shaoyin had not flatly rejected him or immediately pushed him thousands of miles away. Thus, Xiao Heng did not say anything more, lest he remind Xue Shaoyin of something unpleasant and provoke the resistance and refusal buried in her heart. He merely advised her gently, “Think about it, all right?” Since Xiao Heng was not asking her to give him an answer immediately, and since she was worried that he might turn against her if she refused and forbid her from entering the palace to visit her Aunt, she decided it would be best to muddle through the matter for now. After remaining silent for a moment, Shaoyin softly answered, “Yes,” indicating that she would think about it. In any case, she was only going to think about it. Yet in Xiao Heng’s heart, her answer had already caused joy to leap up like scattered gold dust. Behind that joy, however, was still endless regret—regret that would entangle him for the rest of his life and leave his heart forever without peace. Xiao Heng thought that Xue Shaoyin had agreed to think about it not because of anything he had said or done. The main reason was the final words of her late husband. Because Muyan Helan had hoped that his wife would emerge from her grief after his death; because Muyan Helan’s wife hoped that her late husband could rest peacefully beneath the earth, Xiao Yu had received an opportunity, and he, Xiao Heng... perhaps still had an opportunity as well. Should he be jealous? Everything that had belonged to Muyan Helan should originally have belonged to him, whole and complete. The loving everyday life Xue Shaoyin had described to her Aunt today should have taken place between Xiao Heng and Xue Shaoyin. It was he who had personally destroyed everything in the past. And yet it seemed he did not even have the standing to feel jealous. Now, he still had to be grateful to Muyan Helan. Grateful for Muyan Helan’s deep love and generosity. Grateful that Muyan Helan had shielded Xue Shaoyin from wind and rain for the past five years, and that after falling gravely ill, he had magnanimously let her go, urging Xue Shaoyin to put him down and, after his death, forget her grief and embrace new love and happiness. While Xiao Heng’s emotions were in turmoil, he heard Xue Shaoyin softly ask beside him, “May I ask, Your Majesty—will I still be allowed to enter the palace to visit my Aunt in the future?” “Of course.” Xiao Heng naturally hoped that Xue Shaoyin would come to the palace often so that he could see her. He said, “Whenever you wish, you may come to Chongqing Palace.” Shaoyin had originally dared only to hope that she might be able to visit her Aunt at most once a month. Upon hearing Xiao Heng say this, she was immediately overjoyed and hurriedly bent at the waist to thank him for his imperial grace. When Xiao Heng reached out to support her, lightly taking hold of her sleeve, Shaoyin instinctively wanted to retreat. But because she did not want to lose the “boundless imperial grace” Xiao Heng had granted her today, she forcibly endured it and did not step back, allowing Xiao Heng to help her rise without actually touching her. Now that she had obtained Xiao Heng’s permission to visit, and since she did not want to remain alone with him any longer, Shaoyin respectfully requested leave. She explained that since she had entered the palace, she needed to visit Shou'an Palace and pay her respects to the Noble Consort Dowager. “The Noble Consort Dowager previously asked Prince Chu to give me a gift. As her junior, now that I have entered the palace, I ought to pay my respects and offer my thanks in person, both out of courtesy and reason.” Xiao Heng now indulged Xue Shaoyin in everything, so naturally he would not stop her. Although he did not wish for Xue Shaoyin to meet the Noble Consort Dowager, since doing so might further deepen the bond between Xue Shaoyin and Xiao Yu, he was even more unwilling to obstruct her at every turn and give her a poor impression of him. It was for this reason that he had allowed Xue Shaoyin to enter Chongqing Palace whenever she wished. He hated the person imprisoned in Chongqing Palace to the bone. He had originally hoped that person would spend every day in loneliness and misery until death. But compared with hatred, he now seemed to desire a trace of love more. He had hated for too many years. From the moment his mother died, hatred had filled his heart, and for so many years, it had blinded him to everything else. The hatred of the past had cut him off from the love he could have possessed. He did not want things to remain that way. He wanted love—the love of Xue Shaoyin. Even a little would be enough. As Shaoyin bid farewell to Xiao Heng, she suddenly remembered something else. After hesitating for a moment, she still asked, “May I ask, Your Majesty, is Consort Yi still confined to her palace to reflect on her mistakes?” Although Xue Shaoyin had insisted on the day of the flower-viewing banquet that she had fallen into the water herself, Xiao Heng remained suspicious and had still issued an edict ordering Consort Yi to remain in seclusion and reflect on her conduct. If Consort Yi had truly pushed Xue Shaoyin into the water, then even confining her for life would not have been too severe a punishment, much less merely ordering her to reflect behind closed doors. But if Consort Yi was innocent, she had been the hostess of the flower-viewing banquet and had failed to properly care for the guest she had invited, nearly allowing that guest to suffer a calamity after falling into the water. She ought to be punished as well. Xiao Heng answered, “Yes,” then said to Xue Shaoyin, “She deserves this punishment.” But Shaoyin said, “Please pardon Consort Yi, Your Majesty. Not only was my life never in danger on the day I fell into the water, but the cold I caught that day has also completely recovered. Why should Consort Yi continue to be punished?” She continued, “It is the New Year season. I imagine Consort Yi is also looking forward to seeing her family and reuniting with them.” It was better to dissolve an enmity than deepen it. Shaoyin only wanted to settle her old grievances with Consort Yi Wei Jinshu once and for all; she did not want to create new ones. This was also for the sake of the Xue family. Her Older Brother had never had any conflict with the Wei family in official circles. If the Xue family and the Wei family inexplicably became enemies because of the matter between her and Consort Yi, what benefit could that possibly bring her family? Xiao Heng naturally went along with Xue Shaoyin. He granted her request at once, ordering palace attendants to carry his oral decree to Yunxi Palace and pardon Consort Yi. Xiao Heng was truly too easy to speak with today. He was so agreeable that Shaoyin could not help feeling somewhat frightened. Thinking again of Xiao Heng’s request that she “think about it,” Shaoyin felt even more eager to leave his side and once again respectfully bid him farewell. This time, she did not stop or look back. Shaoyin truly went far away, all the way to Shou'an Palace, the residence of the Noble Consort Dowager. In Shou'an Palace, the Noble Consort Dowager had been personally pruning plum branches. When she saw Shaoyin arrive, she set down the small silver scissors in her hand and smiled, telling Shaoyin that there was no need to be so formal and urging her to come closer so she could have a proper look at her. Although the Noble Consort Dowager said there was no need for formalities, Shaoyin still performed the proper ceremony with meticulous care, respectfully paying her respects and thanking the Noble Consort Dowager for bestowing the pair of pink hibiscus-jade bracelets upon her. “There is no need to thank me. If those bracelets had stayed here with me, they would only have gathered dust. I merely found them a good owner.” The Noble Consort Dowager smiled. “I am old now. Wearing that pair of pink bracelets makes me look as though I am trying to appear young. They are best worn by someone of your flower-like age and beauty.” “How could that be? You are almost no different from how I remember you, Your Ladyship.” Shaoyin was not flattering her against her conscience. Compared with her Aunt, whose beauty had withered and whose temples had turned gray after suffering the blows of worldly affairs in Chongqing Palace, the Noble Consort Dowager merely had a few fine lines at the corners of her eyes. There were still traces of the beauty that had once crowned the Imperial Harem in her features and eyes. The Noble Consort Dowager smiled and patted her hand. “The County Princess has become even more pleasing with her words than she was before.” She took Shaoyin’s hand and led her to sit by the window couch inside the palace, then ordered the attendants to serve tea. “Try this. It is not tea from the palace. A-Yu sent it here. It is called Xuexuan tea. I do not even know where he obtained it.” The Noble Consort Dowager said with a smile, “It tastes lighter than the tea from the palace, and its mouthfeel is delicate, but it has a fresh sweetness and lingering aftertaste all its own. It is quite delicious.” It was tea made from Luotuo stock that Xiao Yu had grown on the estate belonging to his princely residence. Shaoyin had already tasted it before, and Xiao Yu had sent her quite a lot the previous year. But under the Noble Consort Dowager’s expectant gaze, Shaoyin still lowered her head and took two sips as though she were trying the tea for the first time, then praised it with a faint smile. The Noble Consort Dowager said, “Since you like it, take some home and enjoy it slowly.” As she spoke, she ordered the attendants to bring over two jars of Xuexuan tea. Seeing this, Shaoyin could only hurriedly decline, honestly explaining that she already had quite a lot of it, since Prince Chu had given it to her. The Noble Consort Dowager could not help clapping her hands and laughing. “I must be getting old and muddleheaded. Since there was something good, and A-Yu remembered to send some to me, how could he have forgotten to send some to you?” As she listened to the Noble Consort Dowager, the half cup of tea in Shaoyin’s hands seemed to suddenly grow heavy. She lowered her eyes slightly and said nothing. The Noble Consort Dowager continued laughing for a moment, then gave a soft sigh. “After the late emperor passed away, my heart has held only A-Yu. That child is good in every way; there is just one matter that causes me great worry.” The Noble Consort Dowager sighed. “He is nearly twenty years old, yet he still refuses to marry.” “I know where his heart lies. In the past, I always told him not to indulge in foolish thoughts and to marry and establish a household as soon as possible—that was what truly mattered. But A-Yu listens to me in everything, and this is the one matter on which he refuses to listen to me in the slightest.” “There is nothing I can do about A-Yu. I thought he would spend his entire life alone. I never imagined that you would return from Shuobei.” The Noble Consort Dowager’s words of emotion contained unmistakable joy. She gently urged Shaoyin, “You are still so young. Do you truly intend to remain a widow for the rest of your life? A-Yu is a good child. He will treat you well for your entire life and will absolutely never let you suffer.” When Shaoyin remained silent, she continued to persuade her patiently. “Why not give it a try? Think of it as giving A-Yu a chance. You have no idea how many years A-Yu has waited for this opportunity.” “...I...” Under the Noble Consort Dowager’s almost pleading gaze, Shaoyin gripped the teacup tightly and said in a low voice, “...I am afraid I will hurt Prince Chu’s feelings...” “He is a grown man already. How could he be so fragile?!” The Noble Consort Dowager laughed. “If he were truly that fragile, he should have given up long ago. How could he have waited until today?” At that moment, the Noble Consort Dowager seemed not like the exalted former consort of the late emperor’s Imperial Harem, but simply a mother hoping for the best for her child. “Even if it does not work out in the end, it will not matter. Just let him have a dream. Perhaps after waking from a beautiful dream, he will be able to move on, let go of his obsession, and look ahead. He can see the other beautiful scenery and women in this world, instead of remaining bound by the pain of having sought something he could not obtain in the past.” Even after she left the palace and returned to the Xue family, some of the Noble Consort Dowager’s words seemed to linger in Shaoyin’s ears. The Noble Consort Dowager’s words, Xiao Yu’s words, and the hopes her late husband Helan had held for her before his death constantly intertwined and wandered through her heart. Even while she was copying scriptures for her late husband and their children, they would occasionally rise from the depths of her heart, causing her mind to wander. In the end, Shaoyin still picked up her brush and wrote an invitation, asking Xiao Yu to join her in viewing the lanterns on the night of the Lantern Festival. But when that night arrived, as she and Xiao Yu strolled together along the lantern-lit streets during the Lantern Festival, they encountered someone. This time, it was not a vague figure hidden among the crowd. Xiao Heng was truly standing right before her and Xiao Yu. Author’s Note: Emperor: I’m here to join you!