Chapter 37

Chapter 37: It Seems… There Is Shaoyin’s words were sharp. It was as though thorns had spread densely through her heart. She could manage well enough when facing others, but whenever she faced Xiao Heng, those thorns rooted in the depths of her heart seemed to grow wildly in the darkness, raising spike after spike to stab toward him. It was as though she wanted to hurt Xiao Heng. Or perhaps raising those thorns was not meant to harm anyone at all—she had simply erected them instinctively, forming a defensive stance against something. Shaoyin spoke with words as sharp as knives, but Xiao Heng listened as though nothing had happened. His expression and voice remained calm and gentle. “I will naturally never forget what happened in Lizhou.” “Throughout the journey to Lizhou, I thought I was merely trying to stop you from forming a marriage alliance with Shuobei and stop you from marrying Muyan Helan for some other reason.” “But when I walked into the wedding ceremony and saw you standing beside Muyan Helan in that bright-red wedding attire, just as you were about to perform the husband-and-wife bow with him, I could no longer deceive myself.” “In that instant, I suddenly realized that I loved you. In truth, I had loved you all those years.” “And yet I wasted so many years. It was only when I saw you about to marry someone else, when it seemed I was about to lose you forever, that I suddenly understood—understood it… far too late.” “The person who should have been standing beside you was me… That day, my heart was filled with jealousy and hatred, and I could not restrain myself. It felt as though Muyan Helan had taken my place from me, had taken the wedding that should have belonged to me.” “That day, the vivid red of your wedding attire was so glaring that it felt as though it would stab my eyes until they bled. Later, I could never forget that day. I could never forget the way you stood there in your wedding clothes, facing me with such resolute dignity.” “On many nights afterward, I would dream of that scene. I would dream of you standing not far in front of me in your wedding attire, yet between us there seemed to be an endless expanse of wind and snow. No matter what I did, I could not cross it. I could not reach you.” “I regret it deeply. I regret that I did not take you away that day, that I did not truly stop that wedding, that I did not bring you back to the capital.” “If I had not been misled by a moment of pride back then and had brought you back to my side, could many things have changed…? Between us… would we have…” Shaoyin interrupted Xiao Heng’s speculation. “Your Majesty need not regret it. Even if you had wanted to take me away that day, I would not have obeyed you. Even if you had resorted to force, I would have resisted with all my strength. That day, I would have completed the wedding ceremony without fail, married Helan, and then returned to Shuobei with him.” “…Is that so…” Xiao Heng murmured softly. He did not seem surprised, as though he had understood it long ago. “So that was how it was.” Xiao Heng raised his hand and gently stroked the cloud-and-phoenix-patterned wedding robe before him, running his fingers over the baoxiang flower patterns embroidered on its sleeves, as though caressing an irretrievable passage of time. “If you like this one, then use this one.” Xiao Heng looked up at her with a smile. “But I did not specifically order anyone to reproduce the one from Lizhou. It was merely a coincidence.” “If you feel that this one is still not similar enough, I can have them reproduce an identical one,” Xiao Heng said. “As long as you like it.” Shaoyin did not ask for another identical wedding robe to be made. The wedding robe from five years ago held memories that belonged solely to her and Helan. It was now stored in one of the chests at Yurong Court, nestled together with the black cloak Helan had vomited blood onto before his death, resting together in the depths of the chest, nestled together within the years that had passed. She did not want anything connected to Xiao Heng to stain her memories of herself and Helan. Yet what she was doing now seemed destined to stain them anyway. Shaoyin’s heart was a tangled mess. She did not want to remain in Zichen Palace any longer. Before leaving, she said, “Your Majesty may make all the decisions regarding the wedding rites. Please do not summon me again. There is a custom among the common people that a man and woman should not see each other before the wedding.” After leaving the palace and returning home that day, Shaoyin remained in peace and quiet until the eve of the wedding, without being summoned by Xiao Heng again. Then, on this night—the night before the wedding—Shaoyin was in Yurong Court, leaning against the window and gazing at the moon in a daze, when she suddenly saw someone enter Yurong Court. It was Xiao Heng. His hair was bound with a jade hairpin, and he wore a moon-white informal robe. As he approached beneath the moonlight, he looked nothing like the lofty sovereign he was, but rather like the young master of some household. The moment he entered the courtyard of Yurong Court, he saw her through the open window. A smile immediately lit up his eyes, and he quickly walked to a spot not far from her window before asking with a smile, “Would you like to go for a walk?” “Tomorrow’s ceremony will be complicated, and neither of us will have a moment’s rest all day,” Xiao Heng said. “Why don’t we go out for a walk together tonight and clear our minds?” Shaoyin was silent for a moment, then actually agreed, as though she truly wanted to go outside for some fresh air. Although she was sitting by the window with her eyes on the bright moon, her thoughts seemed entirely fixed on the black cloak in the chest deep inside her bedchamber. Her heart was full of Helan, and she wondered what he would think. If she had merely found another place where she could feel at peace and chosen to marry the person she loved, beginning a new life, Helan would naturally have been happy for her. But that was not the truth. The closer the wedding drew, the more chaotic her heart had become. At such a time, on the night before she was to be married, she seemed to truly want to go out for a walk. They left the Xue family home without seeing her older brother and sister-in-law or any of the servants along the way. It seemed that Xiao Heng had ordered everyone to avoid them the moment he entered the Xue family residence. After leaving the gates of the Xue family home, they neither took a carriage nor mounted horses. They simply walked slowly toward the nearby streets, entering the stream of people amid the occasional laughter and chatter. It was already warm spring, and the nights were not cold. Although the night market could not compare with the extraordinary bustle of festival days, there were still plenty of people in the streets, and business was thriving. Shaoyin and Xiao Heng walked slowly through the crowds. Neither of them said much. The lights around them flickered brightly, and the laughter and conversation drifting over from time to time floated along with the lights on either side of them. When a mischievous child ran past them, kicking a vine-woven flower ball through the street, Xiao Heng’s voice sounded beside her. “Do you remember? Once, when we were out together, a child nearly kicked a ball into you. I raised my foot and kicked it away, but I sent it flying too high and kicked it into a tree, making the child start crying.” It seemed that there had indeed been such an occasion, when Xiao Heng had accompanied her on an outing in their youth. That time had been somewhat unusual. She had not gone to the Eastern Palace to pester Crown Prince Xiao Heng until he agreed to accompany her out for fun. Instead, she had been staying at home when Xiao Heng had, unusually, come to the Xue family residence. Her father had already been dead for quite some time, but she still could not emerge from her grief. Every day, she stayed at home, unwilling to go anywhere. Then, one evening, Xiao Heng suddenly appeared before her, just like… tonight. Xiao Heng had said he would accompany her outside for a walk. She had not needed to think about it at all to know that the reason he had suddenly done such a thing must have been an order from His Majesty, her Imperial Father, or her Aunt. She had been unhappy about it, but she had still gone out with Xiao Heng. Just as she seemed to want to go out tonight to get some air and clear her mind. Yet at that moment, she heard Xiao Heng say, “The truth is, I went out to look for you of my own accord that time. It was not because of an order from Imperial Father or because your Aunt asked me to do it.” “At the time, I did not even know why I wanted to do it. I found myself a reason in my heart, thinking that if I did not come to see you and keep you company, Imperial Father or your Aunt would order me to do so anyway. Since it was something I would have to do, there was no harm in taking the initiative.” “I was truly foolish back then. I was clearly thinking of you and worrying about you, yet I could not see my own feelings clearly. I had clearly taken the initiative to go to the Xue family home to find you, yet I still acted as though I had been forced to go.” Shaoyin recalled the circumstances of that night. Although Xiao Heng had suddenly come to see her, his expression, words, conduct, and indifferent attitude toward her had been no different from before. How could she possibly have guessed that he had come of his own accord? Xiao Heng continued, “When you were always by my side in the past, I seemed to feel restless and irritated, always wanting peace and quiet in my heart. But after you truly stopped coming for several days, I did not find peace. Instead, it felt as though something inside me had become empty—so empty that it could hold nothing at all.” “No matter what I was doing, I would suddenly think of you. When I was writing, I would suddenly look up, as though you were just nearby. When I was reading, my gaze would unconsciously drift toward the window, as though you were in the courtyard picking flowers and chasing butterflies. No matter what I did, I could not settle my mind. It was as though… I had developed a heart demon.” “I was always thinking of you and worrying about you, worried that you would be unable to bear your father’s death. I knew that you had very deep feelings for your father. You were so young and innocent, and had never experienced the cruelty and hardships of this world. I was afraid you would not be able to endure it.” “I only came to understand these things later. At the time, I knew none of them. That night, I simply could not resist the impulse in my heart and went to see you in a muddled state. After I saw you, I did not even know what I should do or say.” Shaoyin thought that although Xiao Heng said he had not known what to say back then, he had in fact said several things to her that night—things he had never ordinarily said to her. But by then, Xiao Heng’s years of coldness had already left her nearly brokenhearted. After the accumulation of one disappointment after another, she had long since stopped placing too much hope in him. Thus, when she heard those words from Xiao Heng that night, she had simply assumed that he had been forced to say them by the Emperor and Empress, forced to come and keep her company and console her. That night, Xiao Heng had spoken to her about his birth mother. It was something that had never happened before. Prior to that night, Xiao Heng had never taken the initiative to mention his birth mother to her—not even once. Moreover, Xiao Heng seemed extremely resistant to any mention of his birth mother. Several times, when Shaoyin had asked about her, Xiao Heng had reacted with utter coldness. She had even copied a sutra for guiding the dead for Xiao Heng’s birth mother. Yet when Xiao Heng burned the scripture papers, he had deliberately kept the one she had copied instead of throwing it into the brazier. But that night, Xiao Heng had done something entirely out of the ordinary: he had taken the initiative to tell her about the time his birth mother died. He told her how deeply he had grieved when his birth mother passed away, and how he had once been trapped in sorrow, unable to free himself. Xiao Heng said that after his mother’s death, he would often dream of her at night—dream of the way she had looked before her death, dream of the final instructions she had given him before she passed away. He told her how he had gradually emerged from his grief. His departed loved ones in the Nine Springs would surely hope that their children could let go of their sorrow and live well in this world, always looking ahead. Xiao Heng had not directly tried to console her. He had simply spoken of his own experience of losing a loved one. At the time, she had believed that Xiao Heng had been forced by the Emperor and Empress to come and comfort her. Yet she had indeed found some consolation in his words, as though she had vaguely begun to understand how she should face the loss of a loved one. The Author’s Note: None.