Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Never Meet Again, in Life or Death Having received word from his informants about Xue Shaoyin’s whereabouts, Xiao Heng came to Puan Temple. Standing outside the Buddhist Hall, Xiao Heng’s gaze had already crossed the stream of people coming and going to find Xue Shaoyin. She was kneeling beneath a statue of Guanyin inside the hall, praying with devout sincerity. Wisps of smoke curled around Xue Shaoyin like clouds and mist. The flow of worshipers passing back and forth occasionally obscured Xiao Heng’s view. As he gazed at Xue Shaoyin and walked toward her, Xiao Heng felt as though he were walking through the countless dreams he had over the past five years. He could no longer hear the clamor of the people around him. Step by step, he approached Xue Shaoyin until he reached her side. He did not awaken from the dream, and Xue Shaoyin did not vanish like an illusion. She remained quietly beside him, vivid and real. Yet her clothes, white as snow, still made him feel an inexplicable sting in his eyes. Fortunately, Xue Shaoyin’s complexion looked all right. It seemed she had not caught a cold yesterday. Xiao Heng stood silently beside her for a long while, tracing the brows, eyes, nose, and lips of the woman beside him in his mind and comparing them one by one with his memories. The Xue Shaoyin of the past had been charming, bright, and unrestrained, like a rose covered in thorns. The Xue Shaoyin of today was quiet, gentle, and serene, like a handful of light snow that might softly melt in his palm if he was not careful. The past five years had not been kind to Xue Shaoyin. Pity welled up in Xiao Heng’s heart, along with even deeper regret that he had left Lizhou without a word back then. He could only be thankful that he still had the rest of his life to make amends—that he still had this chance. No matter how Xue Shaoyin had changed, she was still his Xue Shaoyin, the one who loved him. Just as she had told him again and again in the past, her feelings for him would never change. Xiao Heng stood quietly beside her, waiting. He had not wanted to disturb Xue Shaoyin while she prayed devoutly before the Buddha. Yet as he looked at the sincere expression on her face, at how she seemed unable to sense anything around her, he suddenly felt hollow inside. It was as though… he could not enter the world Xue Shaoyin inhabited. Although she was right beside him, she seemed to be… very, very far away. Unable to stop himself, Xiao Heng called out to her, wanting her to know that he was right there beside her. Although Xue Shaoyin once again intended to lie to him, he no longer needed to grow inexplicably angry. He knew that the first half of her answer had not been false. She had prayed for a similar wish on his behalf long ago. When he was young, Xiao Heng had once accompanied Xue Shaoyin out of the palace to visit a temple and offer incense, because of orders from Imperial Father and Empress Xue. After Xue Shaoyin had prayed silently before the Buddha for a long time, she turned her head toward him and asked with a smile whether he was curious about what wish she had made to the Buddha. At that time, he had not yet understood his own heart. He had always kept Xue Shaoyin at a deliberate distance and treated her coldly, so naturally, he did not ask a single word. Xue Shaoyin seemed accustomed to his indifference. Seeing that he did not ask, she was not upset. Instead, she took the initiative to tell him with a sweet smile, “I sincerely prayed to the Buddha that Cousin would be blessed with good health, free from illness and calamity, and that everything would go smoothly for him.” He was not surprised. He had long been accustomed to Xue Shaoyin thinking of him in everything she did, with his name constantly on her lips. Xue Shaoyin’s passionate feelings for him were like trumpet vines climbing up craggy rocks. Regardless of what happened around her, they continued to grow with fervor, blooming in brilliant, blazing splendor like burning flames. Even though he always acted indifferent, there were times when her ardent feelings still seemed to scald him. And so he became even more distant and even colder. Though he had clearly heard that Xue Shaoyin was praying for his blessings, he still remained silent, acting as though he did not care about her sincerity in the slightest. It was almost as though he were deliberately trying to anger her. Unlike their usual meetings in the palace, when there were always many palace attendants around them, whenever he accompanied Xue Shaoyin outside the palace, he had to walk and remain beside her at all times. This sort of intimacy, almost as though the two of them were alone together, made him deeply unaccustomed. It was as though he wanted to drive Xue Shaoyin away, yet it also seemed that he himself wanted to escape from this intimacy that made him feel as though thorns were pricking his back. But Xue Shaoyin did not cry or leave in anger as easily as she usually did. She seemed not to notice his coldness. Not long after telling him the wish she had made to the Buddha, she stuck out the tip of her tongue, looking both playful and regretful. “Oh no! Saying it out loud means it won’t come true anymore!” Xue Shaoyin hurriedly turned back toward the statue, took up more incense, and bowed in worship once again. The girl who was usually uninhibited and fearless even before the emperor and empress of the current dynasty wore an unusually serious and solemn expression when she faced the Buddha. With her palms pressed together, she bowed her head once more to pray for him. Though she did not utter a word, he knew that she was silently making the same prayer for him again in her heart, praying with utmost devotion. The girl’s expression was so serious that she seemed to be carrying out the most important task in the world. As he gazed at her composed, tranquil face, Xiao Heng was momentarily dazed. It was as though a speck of dust floating in the sunlight of the Buddhist Hall had quietly drifted down into his heart. He had not understood it then. Only many years later did he realize that it had been the stirrings of his heart. Over the many years that followed, he had no idea how many times his heart had been moved by Xue Shaoyin. Yet he had remained completely unaware, believing only that his heart was unsettled because he was annoyed with her, and wasting all those years in the process. Fortunately, he and she still had the long years of the rest of their lives ahead of them. Xiao Heng also took up incense and bowed before the Buddha. With the status of the Son of Heaven, he prayed to the divine beings that Xue Shaoyin would enjoy peace and prosperity throughout her life, free from illness and calamity. He also asked them not to hold Xue Shaoyin accountable for the oath she had foolishly made yesterday. And if they insisted on holding someone accountable, he asked that the punishment for Xue Shaoyin’s rash oath be imposed upon him, Xiao Heng, instead. Shaoyin stood quietly at his side, watching Xiao Heng pray silently before the statue. His expression was exceptionally serious and devout. He must be praying for peace throughout the realm and favorable weather, Shaoyin thought. Aside from that, he might also be praying for Jiang Ningyan’s safety and health, or praying that he and Jiang Ningyan would soon have a son and remain devoted to each other until their hair turned white. Why would Xiao Heng need an outsider like her to pray for them? Not long ago, she had merely tried to mention Jiang Ningyan, and Xiao Heng had interrupted her with a cold expression. It must have been because he believed that she, Xue Shaoyin, was unworthy of even mentioning his beloved Cousin. In Xiao Heng’s eyes, Jiang Ningyan was flawless and radiant, like the bright moon in the heavens, while Xue Shaoyin was immoral, frivolous, and burdened with one disgrace after another. For someone like her to say that she wanted to pray for Jiang Ningyan would probably seem to Xiao Heng like mud from the ground stubbornly trying to soil the bright moon in the sky. Naturally, he could not tolerate it. Could it be that Xiao Heng had left the palace in disguise today just to come to Puan Temple to offer incense, worship the Buddha, and pray for a child? Puan Temple was the most famous ancient temple in the capital, and it was said to be exceptionally efficacious. Xiao Heng had come here before as well. If he wanted to leave the palace to pray to the Buddha for a child, it was only natural that he would think of this place first. As for why he had come alone instead of bringing Jiang Ningyan, perhaps Xiao Heng could not bear to place the pressure of bearing a child upon her. For a long time in the past, Shaoyin had believed that Xiao Heng was overly simple and inflexible when it came to matters of love. She thought he did not know how to be gentle or how to please a girl, which was why he so often angered her and made her cry. It was not until she repeatedly saw with her own eyes how considerate and protective Xiao Heng was toward Jiang Ningyan that she understood. It was not that Xiao Heng did not know he should yield to her or did not understand how to care for and cherish her. He simply… did not love her. In truth, she had already recognized this fact clearly, even before Xiao Heng personally removed her name from the list of candidates. She had merely stubbornly forced herself not to acknowledge it, refusing to face it. By then, her repeated heartbreak and disappointment had accumulated over the years, pressing down upon her heart until it was like a small boat on the verge of capsizing, with only a thin thread holding it back. Yet the fixation in her heart still struggled on, refusing to capsize. She could not forget that many years ago, when she was about to drown in the water, lonely and desperate, a hand had reached out and held hers tightly. Until she saw the owner of that hand pick up a vermilion brush before her eyes and lightly mark the list of candidates. The hand that had once brought her back to the world of the living had so easily chosen to erase Xue Shaoyin completely from his life. When that final “death sentence” fell, was she more heartbroken, or more relieved? Looking back now, even she could not say. As Shaoyin recalled the past, she felt that the years between her and Xiao Heng had truly been a long, ill-fated entanglement. She had been exhausted and covered in wounds because of Xiao Heng. And Xiao Heng, having been harassed for so many years by a woman he deeply despised, must have suffered terribly in his heart as well. The best relationship she and Xiao Heng could have was never to meet again, in life or death. Why did Heaven love to toy with people so much? They had merely each come out to offer incense, yet they had still been made to encounter each other. She felt that she had been rather unlucky today. Xiao Heng probably felt equally accursed by the encounter. Shaoyin silently waited for Xiao Heng to finish praying. When he opened his eyes, she gave him a slight curtsy and quietly asked to take her leave. By rights, Xiao Heng should have waved his hand and ordered her to go as far away as possible. Yet Shaoyin heard him say, “I haven’t left the palace in a long time. I want to walk around and look at the capital. Come stroll with me.” Shaoyin could not help wondering whether there was something wrong with her ears. Otherwise, how could she have heard Xiao Heng say such a thing? It was not as though she had never strolled through the capital with Xiao Heng before. But every time in the past, it had been because the late emperor or Aunt had spoken up. Xiao Heng had been unable to disobey the orders of the emperor and empress, which meant that they had essentially forced him to go shopping with her. But Xiao Heng was the Son of Heaven now. Who could force him? Though she was filled with confusion and unwillingness, Shaoyin could not disobey an imperial command. All she could do was lower her head and answer, “Yes.” She had only just returned to Daqi when she had provoked Xiao Heng into reprimanding her coldly in the Imperial Study. Later, she had made him fly into a rage in Nuanxiang Studio, causing him to fling his sleeve and leave. Xiao Heng had let her off both times, likely because he was mindful of her former status as the Heir Princess of Shuobei and did not wish to punish her, a County Princess who had only just returned from a marriage alliance. But there was a limit to everything. If she angered Xiao Heng again, she would likely truly have to bear the wrath of the Son of Heaven. It would be one thing if the emperor’s anger punished only her. What Shaoyin feared most was implicating her family because of her. She could not disobey the imperial command and could only comply, while remaining cautious and careful with every word and action. Shaoyin genuinely did not know why she had angered Xiao Heng on the previous two occasions. All she could do while accompanying him on his stroll was to remain as silent as possible. The less she said, the fewer mistakes she would make. That saying was never wrong. Besides, she had long since had nothing left to say to Xiao Heng. After leaving Puan Temple, Xiao Heng led Xue Shaoyin around the nearby streets. Because Puan Temple was quite famous in the capital and attracted a constant stream of worshipers, several streets near the temple were packed with merchants. All sorts of stalls filled both sides of the roads, and the vendors’ cries rose one after another, loud enough to shake the heavens. Amid the noisy, bustling atmosphere, Xiao Heng felt that everything was astonishingly quiet. When he and Xue Shaoyin had walked here in the past, she had been curious about everything, wandering from one place to another and looking around. Her clear, lively laughter had followed them all the way, light and lovely as jade bells swaying in the spring breeze among the branches. Whenever she saw something new that she liked, Xue Shaoyin would immediately call for him to come and look as well. If he refused to go over, she would briskly run in front of him and grab him herself. Xue Shaoyin had always been uninhibited by nature. Once outside the palace, where no one was watching her, she cast all notions of propriety between men and women and all the etiquette expected of a well-bred young lady straight out of her mind. The hand that tightly tugged at his sleeve would gradually slide down until it reached his hand, warm and soft. She would clasp his hand tightly as they walked, as though she never wanted to part from him for the rest of their lives. Xiao Heng’s fingers moved involuntarily, but there was no warmth from those years ago at his fingertips. Only the cold winter wind, carrying a chill, passed mercilessly through the gaps between his fingers. His hand hung forlornly at his side. From the corner of his eye, he saw Xue Shaoyin keeping a certain distance from him as they walked, her hands tucked into her sleeves and far away from him. Xiao Heng secretly clenched his fingertips and spoke into the wind. “It seems even livelier here than it was before.” Shaoyin lowered her eyes slightly and replied softly, “Yes,” her expression respectful. Xiao Heng waited, but no further words came from Xue Shaoyin. After a moment of silence, he said, “When the New Year comes, it should be even more lively here. Especially during the Lantern Festival—the several streets around here will be hung with lanterns. From a distance, they look like a roaming dragon. It’s extremely lively.” Shaoyin lowered her voice and said, “Yes,” again, her tone still exceedingly deferential. The more Xiao Heng spoke, the emptier he felt inside, as though he had suddenly experienced the coldness he himself had shown her back then. In those days, whenever Xue Shaoyin chattered happily to him, he would either say nothing at all or give her a perfunctory one- or two-word reply—a cold “Mm.” The sharp arrow he had personally shot all those years ago had howled through the long passage of time before piercing his own heart.