Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Holding Xue Shaoyin in His Arms Shaoyin continued drinking as well. The flying snow outside the window reminded her of Shuobei. The bitter winters in Shuobei were long. Nearly half the year, the earth lay covered in ice and snow. Yet in that cold, barren land, she had never felt truly cold, because her beloved husband had always been by her side. When she was with Helan, she had known neither loneliness nor jealousy, neither heartache nor despair. She had not known sorrow, either—until one day, Helan suddenly fainted without warning and was diagnosed with an incurable illness. The marriage fate she and Helan had shared in this life had been far too short, so short that before she could even recover her senses, she had already been parted forever from the husband she loved. She had loved him too little. She had not loved him enough. Shaoyin regretted that she had once wasted so much time and effort on Xiao Heng. She should have given all the love in her life, and every first stir of her heart, to her husband, Muyan Helan. Her heart full of regret, she gradually sank into drunkenness as the alcohol’s effects grew stronger. Shaoyin had already been feeling somewhat unwell that day and had merely been forcing herself to stay alert. As a result, her tolerance was far worse than usual. After only one or two cups of wine, her weakened body could no longer bear the alcohol, and her mind grew increasingly heavy and muddled. A sharp clack broke through Xiao Heng’s chaotic thoughts. The wine cup in Xue Shaoyin’s hand had suddenly slipped and landed on the tabletop. Xiao Heng saw that Xue Shaoyin’s cheeks were flushed, as though she were already drunk. Her brows and eyes drooped, while the hand propping up her chin trembled unsteadily, like a willow branch that might be blown over by the wind at any moment. Xiao Heng hurried forward to support her. Seeing that Xue Shaoyin seemed deeply drunk and about to lose consciousness, he held tightly to her limp body while gazing at her flushed face and calling worriedly, “Ayin… Ayin…” As he called her, Xiao Heng suddenly remembered that this was the first time he had ever addressed her so directly. In the past, he had deliberately kept his distance from Xue Shaoyin. Whenever they met, he had never been willing to call her by her familiar name. Instead, he had always addressed her coldly as “Miss Xue.” “…Ayin…” After all these years, when he finally called out the name he had kept buried deep in his heart, his tongue lightly brushed against his teeth and lips, as though entangled with years of restraint and longing. Xue Shaoyin had not yet fallen fully asleep. At the sound of his voice, she slowly opened her eyes. Her pair of distant, hazy eyes fixed unblinkingly on his face. Drunken ripples shimmered within them, while a misty veil of moisture seemed to gather over her eyes like a thin fog across a lake. Xue Shaoyin slowly raised one hand and stroked his cheek. Her lashes trembled slightly. At the instant tears silently slid down her face, she choked out softly, “I missed you so much… I missed you so, so much.” With tears in her eyes, she asked him, “Why… why didn’t you come to see me?” “…I thought about it… many times…” Xiao Heng was not lying. During those five years, he had thought countless times about issuing an edict ordering Xue Shaoyin to return. Yet in her letters, she had always said that she was doing very well in Shuobei, and that she and her husband, Muyan Helan, were deeply in love. At the time, he had not known whether Xue Shaoyin’s words were true or false. If he had known sooner that she had merely been sulking with him and deceiving herself, he would certainly have issued the edict ordering her return long ago. He might even have gone to Shuobei himself to bring her back. Xue Shaoyin loved him. When she was sober, all sorts of scruples prevented her from showing even the slightest trace of affection. But when she was drunk, her true feelings overwhelmed her reason. She would reveal her love to him, tell him how deeply she missed him, and reproach him for not seeking her out or going to see her during those five years. Just as she had in the past, she both loved him intensely and grew resentful because of that love, harboring dissatisfaction and grievances against him. The aggrieved, resentful tears in Xue Shaoyin’s eyes seemed about to drown Xiao Heng’s heart. The sour ache of guilt surged from the depths of his heart to his throat and lips. In a hoarse voice, Xiao Heng apologized, “I’m sorry. It was all my fault…” But Xue Shaoyin did not want him to say he was sorry. She shook her head gently through her tears, stopping him from continuing to blame himself. Instead, she wrapped both arms tightly around his neck and leaned against him with utter dependence. Warm tears flowed down her cheeks and silently fell onto the front of his robes. Xiao Heng also reached out and pulled Xue Shaoyin tightly into his arms. Xue Shaoyin fell asleep drunk in his embrace, just as she had on that night here long ago. It was as though time had made a full circle and returned them to the past, allowing all the grievances and resentments between them to be wiped away with a single stroke. The difference was that he would no longer be separated from her by hatred and enmity. Now, he understood how to cherish her. It seemed that after getting drunk, Shaoyin had a dream. In it, she dreamed of her husband, Helan. In the dream, she wept as she asked her husband why he had not come to see her. Everyone in the world said that the dead possessed souls. They emerged at night and, in a fleeting moment, could cross thousands of miles. Every night since Helan’s death, she had waited for him to appear, yet she had never been able to see her husband. It seemed that Helan had resolved to make her let go. Even after death, he refused to come and see her. But she missed him. She missed him so, so much. In her dream, she stroked her husband’s cheek, heard him call her “Ayin,” and heard him apologize, saying that it had all been his fault. She did not want him to apologize. She knew this was only a dream and merely wanted to treasure this brief moment of reunion. She rested against him in loving attachment, hoping only that the dream would last a little longer—just a little longer. Even the sweetest dream must eventually end. Shaoyin had no idea how long she had slept. When she woke groggily from the dream, she found herself lying on the small couch in the private inner room of the private dining chamber. A dark blue cloak covered her body. It seemed to be… Xiao Heng’s cloak. Still dazed, Shaoyin lifted the cloak and sat up. At once, the figure guarding the room beyond the screen moved and quickly came around it toward her. Xiao Heng gazed at her with concern. His expression gentle, he asked how she was feeling and whether she wanted a bowl of hangover soup. For a moment, Shaoyin could not regain her senses. She wondered whether she had truly woken up, or whether she had merely fallen from the dream in which she had reunited with her deceased husband into another strange dream. It was an exceedingly strange dream, in which Xiao Heng showed concern for her and spoke to her with concern. Seeing Xue Shaoyin sitting motionless on the couch, her complexion seemingly poor as well, Xiao Heng worried that she might be unwell. He stepped forward and reached out to feel her forehead. However, the moment his hand touched Xue Shaoyin’s forehead, she recoiled in panic, as though she had received a tremendous fright. While Xiao Heng still stood stiffly beside the couch, Xue Shaoyin had already climbed down and retreated several steps away from him. Regardless of why Xiao Heng had made such a strange gesture, he was the Son of Heaven. Her reaction had truly been disrespectful and improper. After recoiling in panic, Shaoyin forced herself to calm down. Suppressing the bewilderment and confusion filling her heart, she lowered her head and apologized to Xiao Heng. Xiao Heng paused briefly, then lowered his hand with a smile and said, “It’s all right.” He continued asking how she felt and told her that he had ordered the restaurant to prepare hangover soup in advance, asking whether she would like to drink a bowl while it was still hot. She was not in a dream, yet reality seemed even more ethereal and bizarre than one. Shaoyin had assumed that Xiao Heng had ordered her to accompany him on his outing and brought her to this restaurant merely so that she could experience what it meant to be unable to control her own fate and sit on tenterhooks. She thought he intended to bring up the foolish things she had done at this restaurant in the past, using them to mock and humiliate her. Yet Xiao Heng had not used their past to mock or humiliate her. Instead, every word and action of his seemed to show concern for her. But… how could Xiao Heng possibly care about her? Shaoyin could not make sense of the confusion filling her mind, nor did she want to keep thinking about it. At that moment, all she wanted was to leave Xiao Heng—to get as far away as possible from the source of the chaos. She first thanked him formally for his concern, then respectfully asked to take her leave, saying that it was already late and that she wanted to return home. “I’ll take you back,” Xiao Heng said at once. But Xue Shaoyin politely refused. No matter how insistently he offered, she continued to plead that he allow her to take a carriage home on her own. After hearing Xue Shaoyin confess her feelings for him with her own lips that day, Xiao Heng’s heart was no longer inexplicably restless and uneasy. He had plenty of time to treat Xue Shaoyin well, and plenty of patience to wait for her to believe in the sincerity of his feelings. He could wait until the day when she was sober and unclouded by wine, and dared to confess that she still felt the same way about him as she had in the past. Thus, Xiao Heng acceded to Xue Shaoyin’s wishes and did not force her to let him take her home. However, he had his own carriage drive not far behind the Xue family’s carriage, silently escorting her all the way. Only after seeing Xue Shaoyin get out of the carriage and enter the residence, and after the Xue family’s gates closed once more, hiding her from view, did Xiao Heng lower one corner of the carriage curtain and order the carriage to return to the palace. After returning home, Shaoyin did not tell her brother and Sister-in-law about accompanying the emperor that day. The Xue family was now completely shrouded beneath Xiao Heng’s shadow. Though Older Brother still held an official post, it was merely an idle seventh-rank position at the administrative office. Even while holding that insignificant post, he was extremely cautious in his words and actions each day, afraid that one of his former political opponents might seize upon some weakness and submit an accusation to the imperial court. Mentioning the Son of Heaven to her brother and Sister-in-law would only leave them anxious and uneasy, consumed by worry and speculation. Shaoyin merely said that after burning incense and praying at Puan Temple, she had spent most of the day sightseeing around the capital and had not returned home until dusk. The coachman who had accompanied her did not recognize the current emperor. Though her maid Qianyun had served her for many years and knew Xiao Heng, she had always been loyal and obedient. After receiving Shaoyin’s instructions, she would keep her mouth shut and not speak carelessly of the matter outside. Shaoyin truly had many questions and much confusion regarding what had happened that day. If Xiao Heng had genuinely been concerned about her afterward, she could hardly help wondering whether someone had impersonated the current emperor. The only time Xiao Heng had ever shown her truly genuine concern was when he had saved her from drowning in their childhood. After learning that she was the niece of Empress Xue, Xiao Heng had always treated her with indifference. Shaoyin could not understand it at all. In the end, she could only attribute everything to the wine. Xiao Heng had also been drinking at the restaurant and seemed to have consumed quite a lot. Perhaps he had gotten drunk as well. Although he had not been so deeply intoxicated that he fell asleep as she had, perhaps he had still become muddle-headed and behaved abnormally. Shaoyin felt as though she had found the reason. At last, she felt somewhat reassured and no longer needed to dwell on the matter. Yet after only one night, a bewildering fog once more spread through her heart early the next morning. At daybreak, imperial eunuchs arrived at the residence bearing the Son of Heaven’s orders. They bestowed numerous gifts and favors upon County Princess Yongning, from silks and satins, jewelry, and ornaments, to rare tonics and precious medicinal herbs. There was practically everything one could ask for. The imperial gifts sent by the eunuchs nearly filled the Xue family’s main hall. Their splendor shone brilliantly, and the dazzling array left everyone speechless for a time. While the entire hall stood in silence, only the two children, Xue Zhan and Xue Yi, ran happily around the room. Unaware of the adults’ suspicions and astonishment, they touched one thing and then another, playing without end as though they were amusing themselves in a treasure vault. “Slow down! Be careful not to fall!” “Don’t touch everything with your hands! Be careful not to break anything!” After reminding the children a few times, Yan Huiniang said to Xue Shaoyin, “All of these were bestowed upon you by His Majesty. I’ll have the steward bring people over to move everything to your Yurong Court.” Shaoyin had not yet recovered from her shock and bewilderment. After a brief daze, she answered her Sister-in-law, “…There’s no need to send them to my residence. Just put them in the family storehouse.” As she spoke, Shaoyin glanced at Older Brother beside her. He, too, was staring at her blankly. Bewilderment and confusion showed on both their faces. In the past, when Shaoyin had been wholly consumed by her love for Xiao Heng and refused to free herself from her self-deception, Older Brother had long since seen through Xiao Heng’s cold indifference. He had urged her again and again to give up on Xiao Heng and find a man who genuinely liked her. Therefore, regarding the favors the Son of Heaven had suddenly bestowed that day, Older Brother could never believe they were a sign of Xiao Heng’s goodwill toward her. He would only suspect that there was some other reason. When they were alone, Older Brother voiced his conjecture. He said that Xiao Heng had done this because, as County Princess Yongning, Shaoyin had rendered meritorious service through the marriage alliance. Now that she had returned, the imperial family ought to grant her some reward, so Xiao Heng was merely putting on an appearance of generosity. He sneered quietly, “He has to put on an appearance. He treated Aunt and the Xue family far too coldly. There have long been complaints among the people…” If she had not encountered Xiao Heng at Puan Temple the previous day, Shaoyin would probably have reached the same conclusion as Older Brother. But because of what had happened the day before, confusion filled her heart, and she understood Xiao Heng even less than before. She could not very well tell Older Brother about all the bewilderment in her heart, lest she add to the burden of the man who already carried the weight of the Xue family. After a moment of silence, Shaoyin could only murmur in agreement, “…It must be so.” Yet as she spoke, her heart sank heavily. Though she did not understand what was happening, Shaoyin had an instinctive feeling that something unpleasant might soon occur.