Chapter 4

Chapter 4: I Have Only My Deceased Husband in My Heart Upon hearing this, Shaoyin’s heart trembled. She assumed that Xiao Heng had sent an imperial eunuch to deliver an oral decree because she had angered him in the Imperial Study yesterday, and that he intended to settle the old score from five years ago. When Shaoyin arrived at the main hall of her home, she listened respectfully to the imperial edict alongside her Sister-in-law and the others, while secretly praying in her heart. She hoped that whatever revenge or punishment Xiao Heng had in mind would be directed at her alone and would not implicate her Older Brother, Sister-in-law, or the rest of her family. Yet as she listened, the unease filling Shaoyin’s heart suddenly turned into shock and confusion. Xiao Heng was not intending to punish her severely. Instead, in the edict, he had granted her request to visit her Aunt. Shaoyin stood there in a daze. She was so astonished that she had not yet recovered when she heard the eunuch say, “County Princess Yongning, please set out for the palace at once.” Jiang Ningyan must have persuaded Xiao Heng somehow. Aside from that, Shaoyin could think of no other possibility. Perhaps this was the only chance she would have in her entire life to visit her Aunt. Shaoyin did not dare delay in the slightest. She hurriedly kowtowed to thank His Majesty for his grace, then followed the eunuch into the palace. The eunuch was named Jinde and served before the emperor. After escorting her to the remote Chongqing Palace, he stopped at the palace gate and bowed toward her. “His Majesty has permitted the County Princess to visit Mrs. Xue for half an hour. Please leave after that time, County Princess, and do not make this servant trouble you by having to urge you out.” Cherishing every moment of the visit, Shaoyin gathered up her skirts and nearly ran into Chongqing Palace. Chongqing Palace was situated in a remote location, and the palace itself was desolate. Withered yellow stalks of grass grew over the tiled eaves. The carved beams and painted rafters of the past had long since lost all their gilded splendor, while cobwebs and dust hung everywhere. The moment Shaoyin walked in and saw the state of the place, her eyes had already reddened. When she reached the main hall and saw her Aunt sitting before a mirror with gray at both temples, tears instantly spilled down her cheeks. “...Aunt!” Shaoyin called out as she hurried toward her, but the instant she saw her Aunt’s face clearly, she froze in shock and anguish. It was not merely that her appearance had withered. Her Aunt seemed to have completely lost her mind from the blow of being deposed and the torment of five years of confinement. In the past, her Aunt had been the empress of an entire nation—dignified and gracious before others, yet loving and gentle toward Shaoyin. But the middle-aged woman before her now giggled foolishly like a simpleminded child. Her Aunt seemed not to recognize her. After casting her a brief glance, she continued facing the mirror, smearing the “rouge” made from mud and ash onto her face. “...Aunt... Aunt... I’m Shaoyin. I’ve come back...” Overcome by overwhelming grief, Shaoyin staggered forward and fell to her knees before her Aunt. She leaned against her Aunt’s knees, wanting nothing more than to burst into tears. Shaoyin had lost her mother when she was young. From the time she could remember, her Aunt had often sent people to bring her into the palace to stay for a while. Her Aunt had doted on her in every possible way and never denied her anything. In Shaoyin’s heart, her Aunt was like half a mother to her. Back then, her Aunt had been deposed for “having lost her virtue.” Yet the late emperor had never told the world exactly what she had done to deserve that charge. He had merely seemed to hate her to the extreme. Not only had he deposed and imprisoned her, he had even once considered ordering the death of his own wife. Shaoyin was heartbroken for her Aunt. She wanted to bring her out of Chongqing Palace and back to the Xue family, where they could care for her and support her through the rest of her life. Yet there was nothing she could do. She had only half an hour to visit her today. She could not waste all of it on her tears. Forcing down the sorrow in her heart, Shaoyin took a handkerchief from her sleeve and gently wiped the grime from her Aunt’s face. Her Aunt seemed not to understand why she was doing this. She watched Shaoyin with curiosity, her gaze vacant and bewildered, utterly devoid of the authority and affection she had once possessed. In that short half hour, all Shaoyin could do was comb her Aunt’s hair, wash her face, and tidy her appearance. Even though Shaoyin treasured every moment, time still passed swiftly. Before she had been able to spend much time with her Aunt, she heard Jinde’s reminding voice from outside. “County Princess, half an hour has passed. Please come out.” Shaoyin could only suppress her reluctance and force a faint smile as she said to her Aunt, “Aunt, I have to go. I’ll find a way... to come and see you again.” Her Aunt, who had remained foolishly silent, blinked faintly. But she still did not say a word. Instead, she lowered her head and played with her fingers like a child. Suppressing the ache in her heart, Shaoyin draped her own cloak over her Aunt before leaving. It was so cold, yet there was not even a brazier burning in her Aunt’s quarters. Shaoyin could do nothing for her except make her a little warmer with this cloak. But her Aunt immediately reached out and tugged at it, as though she did not want it—or perhaps wanted to return the cloak meant to protect Shaoyin from the cold. Shaoyin was just about to coax her a few times when the eunuch outside began urging her more insistently. Left with no choice, Shaoyin forcibly tied the cloak around her Aunt. She had no time to say anything else. After taking one last look at her Aunt, she turned away hurriedly, holding back her tears. Shaoyin had managed to hold back her tears inside, but the moment she stepped through the gates of Chongqing Palace and saw the eunuchs close and lock them, the tears suspended in her eyes fell all at once. She silently wept as she followed the eunuch along the road out of the palace. She did not know how long she had been walking when she suddenly heard the eunuch drop to his knees and salute. “This servant pays respects to Your Majesty. Long live Your Majesty! Long, long live Your Majesty!” Shaoyin raised her head in alarm. Through her tear-blurred vision, she saw Xiao Heng standing not far in front of her, dressed in a dark vermilion imperial robe. She hurriedly held back her tears and bent her knees slightly, performing a proper salute to Xiao Heng. One could not lose one’s composure before the emperor. Shaoyin wanted to wipe her tears dry, but when she reached into her sleeve for her handkerchief, she remembered that she had left it with her Aunt. Having no other choice, she was just about to wipe the corners of her eyes with her hand when a pure white handkerchief patterned with clouds was silently extended before her. Shaoyin’s gaze fell upon the man’s slender fingers holding the handkerchief. Just as she stared in confusion, she suddenly remembered how much Xiao Heng had hated seeing her cry in the past. Every time he saw her in tears, he had grown extremely impatient. Xiao Heng must have been irritated by her tears now as well. That was why he had offered her the handkerchief, silently ordering her to wipe them away at once. Shaoyin hurriedly thanked him for his grace and accepted the handkerchief, wiping away her tears. She assumed that Xiao Heng had merely been passing by. Lowering her head, she moved to the side of the road, preparing to see him off. But Xiao Heng did not leave. After a brief silence, he suddenly said to her, “Come with Me.” Xiao Heng had deliberately waited there. When he saw Xue Shaoyin approaching, her head lowered as she wept, he could not help feeling irritated. He had often seen Xue Shaoyin cry in the past, and every time, he had been unable to suppress his annoyance. Back then, he had thought it was because he disliked Xue Shaoyin. But the past five years had made him understand that it was actually his feelings stirring up trouble in his heart, leaving him unable to find peace. Whenever he saw Xue Shaoyin crying in the past, the deepest part of his heart had always regretted making her cry. He had always wanted to pull her into his arms and comfort her properly. Yet the hatred and estrangement in his heart had prevented him from seeing his truest thoughts for so many years. Every time he saw Xue Shaoyin, all he felt was a restless agitation that left him unable to settle down. His deliberate coldness and distance toward Xue Shaoyin over the years had merely been his way of running away. Now he no longer wanted to flee. He wanted to face his feelings. He wanted to have her. Yet he found himself at a loss, not knowing... how he should draw close to Xue Shaoyin. He had only noticed that Shaoyin was dressed too lightly, without even a cloak, and was worried that she would catch cold and fall ill. Xiao Heng led Xue Shaoyin into the nearby Nuanxiang Studio. The small studio’s doors and windows shut out the winter chill, while imperial silver-bone charcoal burned warmly in the brazier on the floor. Before long, the room was filled with warmth. Yet Shaoyin did not feel warm in the slightest. She had no idea why Xiao Heng had brought her here, and her tense, anxious heart felt as though it were suspended in an icy cavern. Xiao Heng, meanwhile, gradually began to feel that the room was too warm. The heat wafted against his face, and when he found himself alone in the room with Shaoyin, he unexpectedly grew somewhat nervous. A faint sheen of sweat formed on his face. Over the countless nights of the past five years, Xiao Heng had dreamed of Xue Shaoyin. He dreamed of the way she had once been so innocent and carefree, always clinging to him. The more joyful and happy those dreams were, the lonelier and more desolate he felt upon waking. Now, the scene from his dreams seemed to have come true. Xue Shaoyin was not far from him. Yet this was unlike his dreams, unlike the past. The Xue Shaoyin of the past had always had endless things to say to him. Like a golden oriole perched on a spring branch, she had chirped and warbled without pause. She was nothing like the silent woman she was now. The Xue Shaoyin of the past had always loved wearing bright, beautiful clothes, as radiant as the lovely light of spring. She was nothing like the woman before him now, whose entire attire was so pure and pale that it stung Xiao Heng’s eyes like snow. “...Why are you dressed so plainly?” Xiao Heng suddenly asked. Shaoyin had assumed that Xiao Heng intended to lecture her. She never expected him to ask her this. After a slight pause, she hurriedly replied, “I’m observing chastity for my deceased husband.” Xiao Heng naturally did not believe this explanation, but he still could not suppress the trace of agitation that rose in his heart. His tone unconsciously turned more solemn. “...Why should a woman of Daqi observe chastity for a barbarian of Shuobei? Now that you’ve returned to Daqi, you should forget everything and everyone connected to Shuobei. Forget it all completely.” Only after saying this did Xiao Heng realize that his tone had been somewhat harsh. If he wanted Shaoyin to grow close to him as she had in the past, he could not make her afraid of him. Xiao Heng forcibly suppressed the agitation in his heart. After a moment of silence, he softened his tone and said, “Forget everything that happened in Shuobei. I will no longer concern Myself with anything that happened in the past.” Through those words, he hinted that he would not hold her accountable for what had happened in Lizhou, and that she had no need to fear him because of it. After a brief pause, Xiao Heng continued, “How could a barbarian of Shuobei compare to a man of Daqi? You’re still so young. You should remarry as soon as possible.” When Shaoyin heard this, cold sweat immediately broke out across her back in fear. She thought Xiao Heng intended to arbitrarily arrange a marriage for her as a means of taking revenge. She hurriedly said, “There is only my deceased husband in my heart. Until the day I die, I will never marry another man.” Xiao Heng had already given her hint after hint, yet Xue Shaoyin seemed unable to understand him and was still lying to him against her true feelings. The agitation he had been suppressing surged up again, churning his heart into even greater turmoil. Xiao Heng could not help raising his voice. “Tell Me what you truly feel! Stop lying to Me!” Seeing that Xiao Heng seemed to have grown angry again, Shaoyin could only kowtow deeply to him as she spoke with utmost sincerity. “I would never dare lie to Your Majesty. Everything I have said is the truth. When I first married into Shuobei, I was indeed only entering into a marriage alliance for Daqi. Although I regarded the Heir Prince Helan as my husband, I had no feelings for him in my heart.” “But people’s hearts can change. During the years of my marriage to the Heir Prince Helan, I gradually came to love my husband sincerely, and my husband’s feelings for me were just as deep. Although my relationship with the Heir Prince Helan was cut short, and we were husband and wife in love for only five years, in my heart, he was the only one I will ever have in this life. I am willing to observe chastity for him for the rest of my life and will never marry another.” To cast off the accusation of deceiving the emperor, Shaoyin pressed her forehead to the floor tiles and swore every word. “Heaven above, I, Xue Shaoyin, swear that everything I have said today is the absolute truth. If I have even the slightest intention of deceiving Your Majesty, may Heaven strike me with thunder and lightning. May I die a terrible death.”