Chapter 3

Chapter 3: He Seemed to… Regret It The first time Xiao Heng realized that he was not entirely without feelings for Xue Shaoyin was five years ago. At the time, he was in Hanzhou training troops when he suddenly received news that Xue Shaoyin was heading to Shuobei for a marriage alliance. That night, after learning of it, he stood in an empty courtyard until dawn, thinking about many things. He thought of his mother’s agonizing final moments after being poisoned. He thought of how he had humbled himself before Empress Xue for so many years. He thought of how he had endured and schemed, gradually gathering power into his own hands, and of the savage satisfaction he had felt when Empress Xue was deposed and the Xue family was disgraced. The events of the past flashed through his mind like the scenes of a lantern show. In the end, he remembered Xue Shaoyin’s eyes, red with tears, when he had personally crossed her name off the list of candidates in front of her. It was not the first time Xue Shaoyin’s eyes had reddened in front of him. Ever since they had known each other as children, Xiao Heng had often seen Xue Shaoyin crying with red-rimmed eyes. She would frequently weep angrily in front of him, throwing tantrums without reason while looking utterly heartbroken. That day, he had assumed Xue Shaoyin was once again going to cry because of him, just as she always did. He had thought she would cry and make a scene, tugging at him and pestering him until he put her name back on the list and removed the names of every other woman. She might even snatch the brush from his hand and brazenly do it herself in his stead. Yet Xue Shaoyin was unnaturally quiet. She merely looked at him with red-rimmed eyes. Crystalline tears clearly filled their depths, but somehow none of them fell. Not only did she fail to cry and make a fuss as usual, she did not say a single word to him. She simply gazed at him in silence, unusually still. The tears frozen in Xue Shaoyin’s eyes were like a thin sheet of ice, cutting off his view. He seemed unable to see clearly what lay in her gaze. For the first time in his life, he could not determine what she was thinking. After a moment of stunned bewilderment, he stopped dwelling on it. Xue Shaoyin had never been worth spending even a little thought on. Not long afterward, he reported Empress Xue’s many crimes to Imperial Father and uprooted, one by one, the deeply entrenched influence of the Xue family at court. No sooner had the court been purged than Xirong invaded Daqi. He personally went to Hanzhou, busying himself with state affairs from dawn to dusk. In all those hectic days, it seemed he never once thought of Xue Shaoyin—or of those wet, reddened, tranquil eyes of hers. That lasted until he heard that she had been granted the title of County Princess and would marry the Heir Prince of Shuobei in Lizhou as part of a marriage alliance. It was as though a sharp blade had suddenly pierced through the frozen layer of ice, sending endless icy water surging in. In that instant, Xiao Heng felt himself suffocating beyond his control. He stood in the cold wind for most of the night. At last, he mounted his horse with sword in hand and raced a thousand li to Lizhou. As he hurried toward Lizhou, Xiao Heng repeatedly told himself that he was going there to stop the marriage alliance only to prevent the Xue family from rising again. If Xue Shaoyin became the Great Khatun of Shuobei, she might use Shuobei’s power to restore the Xue family. She might even destroy the alliance and bring war upon Daqi. He had to eliminate that possibility. Xiao Heng thought this way throughout the journey and believed it without the slightest doubt. Until he arrived at the wedding ceremony and saw Xue Shaoyin with his own eyes, dressed in brilliant red wedding robes as she performed the bowing rites with the Heir Prince of Shuobei. He could no longer deceive himself. The jealousy and fury that surged through his heart threatened to drown him like a tide. As he struggled to regain his reason and break back to the surface, he was forced to face the truth: he did have feelings for Xue Shaoyin. But how could he possibly have romantic feelings for Xue Shaoyin? He was utterly horrified and could not accept the fact at all. In that wildly turbulent and conflicted state of mind, he said many harsh things to Xue Shaoyin. She returned his barbs in kind, sending every blade he had thrust at her straight back at him. That day, both he and Xue Shaoyin had likely looked terrifyingly vicious. Only the Heir Prince Helan of Shuobei remained gentle and composed throughout, choosing to continue the wedding ceremony with Xue Shaoyin. He was unwilling to face his feelings for Xue Shaoyin, believing that he could let them go. Thus, that day, he had left in fury without looking back. Yet for the five years that followed, he was never able to let go. He could not release those feelings. They were like a sharp blade of ice that would never melt, forever piercing his heart and causing him unbearable pain whenever he thought of Xue Shaoyin. He seemed to have… regretted it—regretted that on that day in Lizhou, he had not dragged Xue Shaoyin onto his horse, instead allowing her to marry Muyan Helan and journey to distant Shuobei. Every letter Xue Shaoyin wrote home during those five years reached his hands. On night after sleepless night, he looked at her familiar handwriting and read her repeated assurances that she was living well in Shuobei, that her husband loved her dearly, and that she… loved her husband, Muyan Helan, very much as well. Those five years were as silent and endless as a zither string tightening more and more around his throat. Just as that string seemed about to snap his heart in two, he finally received news of Muyan Helan’s death from illness. He also received Xue Shaoyin’s memorial requesting permission to return to Daqi. The string that had been drawn so tightly around his heart suddenly loosened. At last, he could be certain that everything written in those letters had merely been Xue Shaoyin deceiving herself. If Xue Shaoyin had truly loved Muyan Helan, how could she have refused even to put on a show of mourning in Shuobei after her husband’s death, hurrying instead to return to her homeland? Over those five years, Xue Shaoyin must have spent every day hoping that Muyan Helan would die sooner, so that she could leave sooner. Over those five years, she must also have regretted it deeply—regretted that on the day of the wedding in Lizhou, she had not chosen to speak kindly to him and leave with him. The things Xue Shaoyin had said at the wedding that day, like the contents of her letters home, had merely been her deceiving herself. She had only been throwing a tantrum at him. How could he not understand her? He knew that her love for him burned as fiercely as sunlight. In the past, whenever he came even slightly closer to her, it was as though her love might scorch him. He could only keep his distance. He could only remain cold. But five years had passed, after all. The old grievances had already been settled five years ago. Perhaps he could let those matters go now. If Xue Shaoyin returned and was still the same as before, perhaps he would no longer need to remain distant and cold toward her because of the barriers created by their old enmity. Perhaps he… could love her. He looked forward to her return. Every day, secret reports about her journey arrived in the capital. From the moment Xue Shaoyin left Shuobei, imperial secret guards had been ordered to escort her along the way, protecting her until she safely returned to his side. He had finally waited for Xue Shaoyin, yet when they were at last reunited, he heard her repeatedly say that she regretted ever having feelings for him. He heard her wish that he and Jiang Ningyan would remain together until their hair turned white. Naturally… those were not Xue Shaoyin’s true feelings. In the past, for Jiang Ningyan’s sake, Xue Shaoyin had thrown countless tantrums at him and been jealous more times than he could count. How could she genuinely think that way? Xue Shaoyin was speaking against her heart because she was now afraid of him, the Son of Heaven. The Xue family had long since lost its power. After carefully judging the circumstances, Xue Shaoyin could no longer act willfully and without restraint as she once had. She did not dare express her feelings to him again because she feared him and believed that he hated her deeply. At the wedding in Lizhou five years ago, he had indeed spoken far too coldly and ruthlessly. And his conduct today had probably only deepened Xue Shaoyin’s fear of him. In the Imperial Study that afternoon, Xue Shaoyin’s words about her “regret” had thrown his mind into chaos. Then she had mentioned the “nurturing kindness” of Mrs. Xue, and for a moment, he had been unable to control himself. After today, Xue Shaoyin would probably be even less willing to approach him. Since Xue Shaoyin did not dare approach him, he could only move closer to her himself, so that she would understand that he… did not actually hate her. Under the lamplight, Xiao Heng put away the letters. Now that she had returned, he no longer needed to endure the long, lonely nights by relying on her familiar handwriting during each sleepless night. Since Xue Shaoyin had come back, naturally, the relationship between them could return to the way it had been before. When Shaoyin had lived at home, she had resided in Yurong Court in the rear garden. Now that she had returned, she was still staying there. The furnishings and scenery within the court were no different from before. Her Sister-in-law, Yan Huiniang, told her that during the years she had been away, nothing in her room had been moved at all. It was as though she were still at home, and her Older Brother would often come there alone, sitting for a long while each time. Shaoyin felt a pang of emotion upon hearing this. She imagined that over the years, her Older Brother must have both hoped that she could return and believed that she never would. As for herself, on the day she had put on her wedding dress and left the capital, she had already prepared herself mentally to remain forever apart from her homeland and die alone in a foreign land. Yet even she had never expected that, in a political marriage alliance, she and her husband Helan would come to love each other sincerely. She had not expected Heaven to be both merciful and cruel, granting her and Helan such a short time to love and remain together. While Shaoyin was feeling downcast, her Sister-in-law gently asked her, “The weather is fairly nice today. Would you like to take a walk at Puan Temple?” Her Sister-in-law continued, “While you were away, your Older Brother and I often went there to worship Buddha and pray whenever we had the time, asking that you remain safe and well in Shuobei and that one day you might return home to be reunited with us. Since you’ve come back safely, we should go fulfill those prayers. Would you like to come with us?” Shaoyin nodded and agreed. She was grateful for the concern her Older Brother and Sister-in-law had shown for her all these years, and she also wanted to pray at Puan Temple for her late husband, Helan, and the child of theirs who had never come into the world. When her Sister-in-law saw her nod, she ordered the servants to prepare the carriages and horses. Her and her Older Brother’s two children were at the lively, playful age of four or five. Thinking that their mother and Aunt were going out to have fun, they begged to come along. Just as the whole family, apart from her Older Brother, who was working at the government office, was bustling about preparing to leave by carriage, the steward suddenly hurried over and reported that an imperial eunuch from the palace had arrived to deliver an oral decree from the Son of Heaven.