Chapter 2

Chapter 2: She Would Never Spare Him a Second Glance Until the Day She Died…… Shaoyin glanced at the water clock in the hall. It was already past the hour of the Snake, so she guessed that Xiao Heng had finished court and rose to take her leave of Jiang Ningyan. Jiang Ningyan rose as well and said gently, “I’ll accompany you to the Imperial Study. As it happens, at this time each day, I usually bring His Majesty a bowl of soup.” A maid from Zhaoyang Palace brought over the tremella soup that had been simmering in the small kitchen since early morning, still steaming hot. As Jiang Ningyan personally ladled it into a bowl, she said with a smile to Xue Shaoyin, “Tremella calms the spirit, while lotus seeds clear internal heat. His Majesty spends all day exhausting himself over state affairs. If he drinks some tremella-and-lotus-seed sweet soup at a fixed time every day, it will be quite beneficial for his health.” Shaoyin gave her a polite, restrained smile but said nothing. She merely remembered that when she had still been a girl, she had once personally made a bowl of tremella-and-lotus-seed sweet soup for Xiao Heng as well. Xiao Heng had not touched a single mouthful of it. For many years afterward, Shaoyin had believed that Xiao Heng disliked tremella and lotus seeds. In truth, he simply disliked her. Yet she had remained completely unaware, immersed in the beautiful illusion she had woven for herself. Day after day, she had believed that Xiao Heng held her in his heart. She thought that his apparent coldness toward her was merely to maintain the dignified and proper image of a Crown Prince, that he was only pretending—that in truth, he treated her just as she treated him. Because she had remained sunk in that illusion for so many years without waking, the moment she was forced to awaken, reality seemed all the more cold and cruel. It also made the years of her deep affection seem especially pitiful and ridiculous. When she had personally witnessed Xiao Heng erase her name from the list of candidates, she must have been devastated. Yet now, when Shaoyin thought back on it, her heart was utterly calm. She recalled the past as if it had all been a great dream. Not long after Xiao Heng removed her name from the list, she had no time to concern herself with her own romantic feelings. She had been forced to face the sudden reality that her Aunt had been deposed. Not long after her Aunt’s fall, Xirong invaded Daqi and ravaged its lands. As Crown Prince, Xiao Heng personally went to Hanzhou to train the troops, sharpen their weapons, and bolster their morale. A month after Xiao Heng went to the front lines, Shuobei, which had likewise suffered repeated attacks from Xirong, proposed a marriage alliance with Daqi so that the two nations could join forces to destroy Xirong. By then, Shaoyin’s heart had already died toward Xiao Heng. In order to plead for some measure of mercy for her Aunt, she privately sought an audience with the late emperor and took the initiative to request a marriage alliance and a distant marriage. In the end, that winter, the late emperor did not order her Aunt’s death. He merely decreed that she be confined for the rest of her life. Shaoyin, meanwhile, was conferred the title of County Princess and embarked upon her lonely journey to marry in a foreign land. Under the alliance between Daqi and Shuobei, Shuobei’s Heir Prince Helan would personally travel to Lizhou, on Daqi’s northern frontier, to receive his bride. She would marry Heir Prince Helan in Lizhou, then return with him to Shuobei as the Heir Princess of Shuobei, never to come back. Yet on the day of her wedding in Lizhou, she saw someone she should never have been able to see. Xiao Heng, who ought to have been in Hanzhou, had suddenly crossed a thousand li and appeared at her wedding to Heir Prince Helan. He had traveled so far specifically to stop her from marrying Heir Prince Helan. Because he believed that a woman like her was entirely unfit to represent Daqi in a marriage alliance with Shuobei. That day, Shaoyin heard Xiao Heng’s true opinion of her for the first time in her life. After he erased her name from the list, she had thought that Xiao Heng merely disliked or was annoyed by her. Yet at the wedding, she heard him say with her own ears that she was frivolous in her conduct and unworthy to be a wife. All the things she had once done out of love for Xiao Heng became, in front of her fiancé, a list of charges with which he disparaged her. If she could not complete her marriage alliance with Heir Prince Helan and was sent back to the capital, how could she plead with the Son of Heaven for mercy for her Aunt? How could she protect her family? She had already resented Xiao Heng for his cold indifference and inaction when her Aunt was deposed. Now, seeing him travel a thousand li merely to humiliate her at will and destroy her only chance to protect her Aunt and family, the resentment she held toward him reached its peak. That day, overwhelmed by anxiety and hatred, she spoke especially harshly, severing all ties with Xiao Heng completely. She said that her former admiration for him had merely been the foolish antics of an immature girl, and that she had long since awakened from it, realizing that there was not a single thing about him worthy of her love. She said that chasing after him so foolishly had been the most laughable and idiotic thing she had ever done in her life. If Heaven gave her the chance to live her life over again, she would never spare him a second glance until the day she died. That day, she desperately tried to distance herself from her past with Xiao Heng before Heir Prince Helan, defending her own reputation. She did everything she could to explain to Heir Prince Helan that she no longer held Xiao Heng in her heart, and that she would never again be as frivolous and improper as she had been in the past. From then on, she would be a gentle, virtuous, and composed wife, with only her husband, Muyan Helan, in her heart. Xiao Heng’s face that day was colder than the wind and snow of the northern frontier. Later, she put her bridal veil back in place and continued the marriage ceremony with Heir Prince Helan. She did not know when Xiao Heng had left that day. Yet afterward, even as she rejoiced at having completed the wedding, she could not help feeling frightened. Those words of hers must have thoroughly offended Xiao Heng. He certainly did not merely loathe her—he must have come to hate her deeply. Daqi’s realm would sooner or later fall into Xiao Heng’s hands. She had anxiously feared that after ascending the throne, Xiao Heng would exact revenge and settle accounts with her and her family. Fortunately, compared to personal grudges, Xiao Heng seemed to place greater importance on the alliance with Shuobei. After ascending the throne, Xiao Heng put the realm first. He did not violate the late emperor’s decree and take revenge on the Xue family because of her. But now Helan had died of illness, and she was no longer the Heir Princess of Shuobei. Having returned to Daqi, she was merely a chess piece that had lost its value. When facing Xiao Heng, she could no longer behave willfully in the slightest. All she could do was act with utmost caution, carefully preserving her Aunt and her family. When she arrived at the Imperial Study with Jiang Ningyan, Shaoyin dutifully bowed to the Son of Heaven behind the imperial desk. She bent her knees and lowered her body, her brows lowered and eyes downcast. She humbly recited, one sentence after another, the words of praise for His Majesty that she had prepared long ago, repeatedly thanking him for his boundless imperial grace. Considering how terribly her last meeting with Xiao Heng had ended, it was impossible that he did not still hold a grudge. Thus, even after offering her thanks, Shaoyin did not rise or lift her head. She continued to keep her eyes lowered as she confessed her guilt, saying that she deeply regretted her past actions and begged His Majesty’s forgiveness. The emperor of Daqi had not said a single word since she entered the Imperial Study to offer her thanks. Only after hearing this did he finally speak, his voice noble and cold. “…What do you regret so deeply?” Shaoyin lowered her eyes and said, “I regret my former self-righteousness, arrogance, discourtesy, and improper conduct. In the past, I behaved and spoke disrespectfully toward Your Majesty and Consort Shu on many occasions. I beg Your Majesty to show mercy and forgive me. From now on, I will mend my ways completely. Every day, I will pray sincerely for Your Majesty and Consort Shu, praying that Your Majesty and Consort Shu may enjoy long lives and lasting happiness, be blessed with an heir soon, and grow old together.” Jiang Ningyan stood quietly beside the imperial desk, but the handkerchief she held gradually tightened in her grasp. She could see only His Majesty’s stern, cold expression, yet she could not determine what he truly thought beneath that indifference—whether of Xue Shaoyin’s return or of the words Shaoyin had just spoken. Was Xue Shaoyin being sincere at this moment? Jiang Ningyan suddenly felt somewhat regretful. She regretted the strange impulse that had prompted her to offer Shaoyin that suggestion in Zhaoyang Palace. But it was already too late to stop her. As Jiang Ningyan was feeling the first stirrings of regret, Shaoyin had already respectfully begged His Majesty to allow her to enter Chongqing Palace and visit the Deposed Empress Xue. After making her respectful request, Shaoyin waited a long time without receiving Xiao Heng’s permission. Yet neither did he reject her outright. Shaoyin had been away from Daqi for five years. She missed her Aunt terribly and was deeply worried about her current condition. At that moment, she steeled herself and made another respectful plea, asking His Majesty to consider how her Aunt had raised him for so many years and permit the two of them, aunt and niece, to reunite and see each other. As Jiang Ningyan listened to Xue Shaoyin recount in detail the kindness the Deposed Empress Xue had shown in raising His Majesty, the more fearful she became. The world believed that His Majesty was cold and ungrateful toward his adoptive mother, Xue-shi. In truth, it was not coldness but hatred—the hatred born of a blood feud between mother and killer, a hatred that could never be reconciled. Sure enough, before long, Jiang Ningyan heard His Majesty snap coldly, “Enough!” His Majesty’s face was as cold as ice, and uncontrollable anger gathered between his brows. Jiang Ningyan remained silently at his side, unable to tell whether she felt joy or shame. That single furious rebuke from the Son of Heaven cut off every remaining plea on Shaoyin’s lips. She could not continue to anger the Son of Heaven and cause her family to suffer because of her. She could only lower her eyes, confess her guilt, and respectfully request permission to withdraw. As she lowered her gaze and backed out of the Imperial Study, Shaoyin caught sight of Jiang Ningyan personally lifting the bowl of tremella-and-lotus-seed sweet soup and gently urging Xiao Heng to drink it while it was hot. Yet perhaps because Shaoyin had put him in such a terrible mood, even the tenderness of the woman he loved could not soothe the anger in Xiao Heng’s heart. With a wave of his hand, he ordered Jiang Ningyan to leave as well. Shaoyin withdrew from the Imperial Study first and knew nothing of what happened afterward. She could only leave the palace, carrying with her boundless longing for and worry over her Aunt. When she returned home, her Sister-in-law, Yan Huiniang, had already brought the children to wait at the gate to welcome her. By dusk, Older Brother Xue Ming finished work and returned home. After five years apart, the entire family was finally able to gather around a reunion feast. There was no need to describe the countless emotions stirred in everyone during the meal. Afterward, Shaoyin went to her Older Brother’s study and spoke with him for a long time. This had once been their father’s study. When she and her Older Brother had been young and mischievous, they had once crashed into a shelf of their father’s antiques and knocked them to the floor. To avoid punishment, she had immediately moved into her Aunt’s palace and refused to come out, leaving her Older Brother to face their father’s fury alone. Recalling the events of her childhood, Shaoyin smiled and apologized to her Older Brother. He laughed and said that she had already apologized back then, adding that when she returned from the palace that time, she had brought him many delicious pastries. After the siblings laughed and reminisced about some amusing incidents from the past, they gradually fell silent. In the quiet atmosphere as they gazed at each other, there was the joy of finally being reunited, as well as a faint sorrow that could not be dispelled. Beneath the dim yellow lamplight, Xue Ming studied his younger sister’s face. His sigh was filled with undisguised guilt. “…Ayin, you’ve changed so much.” Shaoyin gently took one of her Older Brother’s hands and said with a faint smile, “Everyone grows up. How could I possibly remain unchanged?” In the past, whenever Xue Ming saw his younger sister throwing tantrums, he would feel helpless, yet he could not help curving his lips into a smile. Now, even though his younger sister was smiling before him, his heart ached terribly. The Xue family of today could no longer allow his younger sister to return to the way she had once been. They had long since lost the means to let her do as she pleased. If the Xue family had still possessed even the slightest bit of power, he would never have stood by and watched his younger sister obey the imperial decree and marry into a distant land. As her Older Brother, Xue Ming hated his own helplessness and was filled with guilt toward his younger sister. While that guilt weighed upon him until he could barely speak, he heard Shaoyin say, “When I entered the palace today to offer my thanks, I respectfully begged His Majesty to show mercy and allow me to visit my Aunt. But I was not granted permission.” Xue Ming shook his head. “Over these past few years, I don’t know how many times I submitted memorials begging for permission. I’ve never received it.” Xue Ming deeply hated the current emperor for his harshness and lack of benevolence. Unable to contain his resentment, he gritted his teeth and said in a low voice before his younger sister, “If we had known he was so cold-blooded and heartless, your Aunt should never have taken him in as her adopted son.” Shaoyin had no answer to that. Everyone believed that Empress Xue had been the one to take the initiative to adopt Third Prince Xiao Heng. Very few knew that she, Xue Shaoyin, had also played a part in bringing it about. When she was seven, she had once been playing in the palace and willfully refused to let the palace servants accompany her. She had then lost her footing and fallen into the water, nearly drowning. Fortunately, a boy happened to pass by and immediately leapt into the water to save her. That boy was the eight-year-old Xiao Heng. Although Xiao Heng had been the Third Prince at the time, his birth mother was merely an unloved Talented Lady, while his maternal relatives had committed a crime and been exiled to the borderlands. Compared to the other princes, his circumstances in the palace were worlds apart. Because Xiao Heng had saved her, she had been extremely grateful and wanted to repay him. Thus, she was always praising him before her Aunt, Empress Xue, saying how wonderful it would be if Xiao Heng were her son. She had only intended for her Aunt to take better care of Xiao Heng. But at the end of that year, Xiao Heng’s birth mother, Talented Lady Jiang, happened to die of illness. Since her Aunt had never had a child of her own, she adopted Xiao Heng as her son. During those years, although Xiao Heng and her Aunt were not as close as a true mother and son, they could still be said to have shared a harmonious relationship, with a mother’s compassion and a son’s filial devotion between them. Thus, when her Aunt was deposed and even faced the possibility of being sentenced to death, Xiao Heng’s complete indifference and coldly detached inaction had left Shaoyin deeply shocked. She felt that she must have been blind all those years to have fallen in love with such a cold and heartless man. She also deeply regretted all the times she had praised Xiao Heng before her Aunt. She regretted everything related to Xiao Heng. Suppressing the turmoil in her heart, Shaoyin said softly to her Older Brother, “Please don’t say such things again. Be careful… walls have ears.” Speaking ill of the Son of Heaven was a serious crime. How could the Xue family of today bear such a charge? Xue Ming had only let those words slip because his resentment had become too difficult to suppress. After receiving his younger sister’s reminder, he immediately agreed. At the same time, he felt even more pained for her. In the past, his younger sister had done whatever she pleased. She said whatever she wanted and did whatever she wanted. How could she ever have known how to write the word “caution”? It was the hardships of these years that had ground her down into what she was now. Thinking of the five years his younger sister had spent alone in Shuobei, Xue Ming felt as though a knife were cutting into his heart. He asked her, “How did you really live during those years in Shuobei? Did that Heir Prince Helan treat you well?” “I lived very well in Shuobei, and Helan treated me very well while he was alive.” As Shaoyin answered her Older Brother, she also felt somewhat puzzled. He seemed to know nothing at all about her life in Shuobei. Shaoyin comforted him, saying, “Didn’t I tell you in my letters all these years that I was doing well? You don’t need to worry about me.” But her Older Brother looked utterly astonished. “What letters? Your Sister-in-law and I haven’t received a single letter from you these past few years.” Ever since leaving for Shuobei, Shaoyin had written two letters home every year. One was addressed to the court. In it, she praised the emperor and expressed her loyalty, saying that she would do everything in her power to uphold the alliance between the two nations. The other was a personal letter to her family, assuring them of her safety. In every letter, she wrote that she was doing very well in Shuobei and asked her Older Brother and Sister-in-law not to worry about her. Yet now she heard her Older Brother say that he had never received any of them. In the past, Shaoyin had assumed that the reason her Older Brother and Sister-in-law never wrote back was because Daqi regulated officials’ correspondence, prohibiting its court officials from privately communicating with foreign peoples. That, she thought, was why her Older Brother had been unable to reply. But had her Older Brother and Sister-in-law truly not even received her letters during these five years? Shaoyin was stunned for a moment before understanding the answer. After being sent back to Daqi, her letters home—along with all the words in which she praised the emperor and pledged her loyalty—must have been cast aside by Xiao Heng, who resented her, and burned to ashes. Believing that this was the truth, Shaoyin sighed softly beneath the lamplight. She did not know that at this very hour of the night, every letter she had once written to her family lay quietly upon the imperial desk illuminated by lamplight. The young emperor of Daqi could not sleep. Once again, in the silent depths of night, he unfolded those letters from Shuobei. The paper, once snowy white, had long since yellowed. Over the past five years, through one sleepless night after another, he had read those letters—every word, every sentence—an unfathomable number of times.